Time to start my diary ...

Thanks Mustop123 - I appreciate for your support and goodwill ... and it does look like I'm finally getting round to achieving the 50 day mark after stumbling the first time round.

I might even raise a glass myself and celebrate all the money I haven't lost and the guilty headaches I didn't get.

There's so much support here from so many helpful people - but I think you'll always be placed in my mind as one of the key guru figures in my recovery.

Still gamble free. But still need to keep on my guard.

One thing I need to watch out for: I don't have that healthy repulsion towards gambling, so I need to make sure I don't start becoming too forgiving towards it.

I'm still reading diaries and the story is always the same: gambling = all round misery. That's really all I need to remember.

Morning Equinox

I so wish I could somehow "infect" you with some of the utter hatred I have towards all things gambling. It makes not wanting gamble again a lot easier.

It's almost like you can see the unhappiness and despair that gambling causes so many people but still forgive it because you see it as slightly charming, like an irresponsible uncle who does bad things but you can't help forgiving him because of his charisma. Stop forgiving it, it is not charm and charisma, its evil.

Well done on 49 days though. Looking forward to my very large glass of wine tomorrow night!

Muststop123

Well done Muststop 123, keep up the good work

Wilsy

Congratulations Equinox. Fifty days since you last gambled which is good progress.

I get the impression from other diaries that our lives will get better as we distance ourselves from the last bet. Our courage, self esteem and confidence will increase and it will become easier to say no to the addiction.

It can still rear it's ugly head though, when it wants to. I guess we will always have to be aware of the pitfalls, keeping our wits about us and remaining alert to our vulnerability.

Let's keep going forward and do our best. Take csre ...stephen

Hi Equinox, congrats on the half century 🙂

& thanks for the drop in! I’m doing much better (THANK YOU) & will get round to a diary update in the next few days.

The hatred is quickly forgotten when an urge strikes anyway so it’s really not the be all & end all & whilst I understand that without it you may feel slightly numb to the damage gambling caused @ least you’re not being lulled into a false sense of security!

Well I'm at day 50!

Thank you Musstop123, Wilsy, Stephen and ODAAT. One thing I can say for sure is that I'm certain that without this site and you good people, I'd still be burdened with regrets, shame and secrecy and still on day 1 or 2. Caught in a distasterous gambling cycle.

I'm only at the 50 day mark, so I don't want to turn this into an Oscar winning speech, but I'd be nice if I could offer myself some bit of wisdom for my 50 day mark. But I can't think of anything other than .... don't gamble, you were a j**k when you gambled, do it and you'll badly regret it'.

On the plus side, I did buy a nice bottle of port yesterday, so I'm going to treat myself to a generous glass tonight.

Well done Equinox, my friend, I know it has not always been an easy 50 days but you are here now and have a great base to work from. I seriously think every additional day we put between ourselves and gambling helps us more on all fronts - mentally and financially.

Am I also noticing a slightly more simple thought process emerging for you? Don't gamble because it makes me feel like ****?

Anyway, enjoy your port and I will raise my glass to you tonight - just realised I don't need to go into the office tomorrow so may even have a couple!

Again, well done, and here is to the next 50.

Muststop123

Thanks Muststop123 - I wish I had the power to do one of those Star Trek things where I could magically materialise a big glass of port to your table as a way of saying thanks. It's nearly 10 o'clock and I've just filled my glass full. I thought I'd type this before taking my first sip. Cheers Muststop123. Here's to the next 50! [..digital clink of our glasses..].

Hi Equinox

I sat down with a large glass of wine last night at a similar time as you and my son walked in and said you can't drink on your own that's the start of problem drinking (he meant as a joke) so he went and got a can of cider and sat down in front of the television with me and before we knew it the hour long television programme had finished and we had missed the whole thing. We just spent the whole hour talking about this and that, his college stuff, where we were going on holiday, what we were doing at the weekend etc.

He is off to university in Sept this year and I will miss our little chats so thank you for creating the opportunity for me to spend a bit more time with him. Just imagine what we would be missing if we were still hiding inside some virtual casino night affer night?

51 days now!

That really is very very beautiful.

If there was ever a guiding light to a better pathway - that post is it for me.

Thanks Muststop123.

Odd as it may sound, sometimes I feel unworthy to be on this site. I want to comment on other diaries but, like today, it feels really hypocritical to boost other threads with the you can do it! comments when I feel like I’m struggling to do it myself.

Still gamble free but struggling. Struggling in what I consider a low-level way because I’d rather not see myself as a fully blow gambling addict.

I was in London on Thursday and managed to stay free of a casino.

I’m back in London today and struggling. I’ve got £200 cash in my wallet.

This is how the predictable voice goes: c’mon, stick one hundred on Blackjack and double, then double again and then walk. Head home +£300. Not life changing, but nice.

It helps being here, in my diary, because I can see how utterly pathetic and meaningless that desire is. I’m still pulled towards gambling but I can see how tragic it is.

It’s one of those days. I’m being privately selfish and destructive.

But I’m determined to head home soon and keep my 54 days intact.

I think I'm saved - Such a simple solution, I texted Mrs Equinox - and told her when I'll be home and planned an evening together. I've got to get the train back in 15 minutes for it to happen.

The gambling devil makes good work for idle hands.

It’s about parrying the blows Equinox & that’s what you just did my friend 🙂

Everyone is worthy of being here whether our gambling demons agree or not is another matter & if you’re not feeling a “you can do it” how about an “I feel your pain”...Knowing I wasn’t the only crazy fool throwing my life away on the machines certainly helped me sit up & recognise there was another way!

Oh guardian angel ODAAT. I'm on the train but you have no idea how happy I am to read your post. Thank you. It's weird to think that I'll only ever type my gratitude to you in this high tech oddball world - but thank you. My dimwit self is grounded again and lives to fight another day.

Thank you - and I really really mean that.