Time to start my diary ...

I'm not posting as much these days - It's still hard for me to write anything I genuinely believe or feel as if I've not said before. I'm wary of being positive but don't want to be negative. I'm still detrmined to crack this and I've not gambled since my last stint - which is about 2 weeks ago.

These recent relapses have packed a powerful punch - really taken the wind out of me. But yesterday I began to feel a bit kinder towards myself - I began to think that I've gambled about 4 times in the last 6 months or so. Not good, but so much better than it could have been. I'm not letting myself off the hook here, I'm just trying to see things objectively. Remembering that I couldn't go a single day without gambling, so realising that by now - if I'd kept up my old habits - I'd be totally ruined. This means I'm in a much better place compared to where my old self would have put me.

Still a lot to do to kick this habit though.

I've also been on 2 more city trips with overnight stays and time on my hands and didn't go near a casino. Not that I'm seeing that as anything worth congratulating myself about - but what I've come to see is my gambling shows itself in shorts bursts of totally destructive behaviour, rather than extended play. Last time I visited a casino, it was all over in minutes.

I'm imagining watching the cctv footage of me at the casino - it'd seem like a sad and laughable sight. It's like a joke without a punchline: a man walks into a casino, puts his money on a table, watches the ball go round three times and then leaves looking miserable and cursing himself.

Blink & you’ve missed it right 🙁

My tape goes...Girl (well, you know what I mean) walks into a machine shop, stands @ machine momentarily, runs (& I’m not even joking...I could clear those 8 steps like an Olympian) to the counter, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, like it’s stuck on loop, leaves looking miserable cursing herself!

Congrats on your 2 weeks & good to see you are starting to accept that flogging yourself doesn’t change anything whilst still owning your actions 🙂

Thanks ODAAT - I'm feeling much better about my relapse. I did flog myself over this one - but, predictably, now that a bit of time has passed the self-loating has died down a little.

It still shocks me to think that my relapses over the last couple of months would have been equal to just over half a week of gambling, from Monday to Thursday. It's a sobering thought when I look at my gambling addiciton in those terms and makes me so grateful that I'm here trying sort this out. And I'm lucky to have kind people like you to help me keep things in perspective.

I'm still fighting and have managed to steer clear of gambling.

I've had no urges to repeat the last disasterous relapse. What's new with me is what seems like a deeper feeling that I'm sick of losing money and I'm sick of trying to chase the money which always leads to a loss. Not an angry feeling, just exhausted by the looping behaviour of hoping, betting, losing, and regretting.

But I know I'm still a million miles away from being free.

Day by day I'm feeling stronger. I know that gambling is bad for me and that's just what I need to keep reminding myself. Work has taken me to a few cities, and times like these I always have a bit time on my hands, but there wasn't any temptation to find a casino and gamble.

I really want to be done with this.

Well done, my friend, I know your time on your own for work in cities has been a risky time. Glad to hear there was no temptation this time.

You are right, gambling is extremely bad for you - it takes your money, makes you feel terrible and gives nothing back in return. Makes you wonder why we did it but that is in the past and you have full control of the future.

Keep up the good work.

Thank you Muststop123. As ever, a guiding light and a rock of support.

'it takes your money, makes you feel terrible and gives nothing back in return. Makes you wonder why we did it ...' would be the perfect in-ear dialogue implant that starts to loop in my head everytime I accidentally get within 500 metres of a casino. A bit like when a car beeps a warning when you reverse too close to another car.

I think I've got my online gambling under control. It's always going to be early days for me, but I don't feel any pull towards it. That's partly because I've self-excluded from so many sites that are probably owned by the same operators I daren't put money in because I know I'd never (in a fairy tale world) be able get my winnings out because the database system would suddenly discovers I'm on a self-exclusion list.

I think I've had four or five opportunities since my relapse to go to a casino. But instead of feeling any excitement in my belly, I just get a dull sensation in my stomach and a voice that says in a face-palm-y way 'no!'. Yesterday was one of those days. I was in Russell Square and I know there's a casino nearby but instead I happily went for a sandwich and coffee. I much prefer the gamble free life and I'm determined to keep it that way.

Still working at clocking up some time between my last gamble and now. But I still don't trust myself one little inch.

Not that I've had any big gambling urges, so I'm happy with that.

I feel at my most vulnerable whenever I'm alone in city with a bit of time on my hands. But I've managed it about 6 times since my last relapse - hardly an earth shattering achievement, but at least I'm on the right track and I'm finding ways readjust my attitude towards casinos.

I feel like I'm done with losing money and I'm done being the fool who gets suckered time after time. Long may that feeling last.

I've just done a quick check of my day count and I'm now on 45 days gamble free.

I don't know what my average relapse time is, but it's round about this mark. But 'm not feeling any urges - sometimes there might be a fleeting thought but that's a totally different ball game.

But I'm honestly giving it my best shot.

I unexpectedly watched a Louis Theroux programme the other night about Gambling in Las Vegas and it helped hammer home the pointlessness of gambling addiction. That was after seeing a programme he did about caring for people with dementia, which made gambling seem all that more selfish and wasteful.

I'm so glad I've lost that deep feeling of self-loathing that a 'recent' gambling session brings. And I think it's the absence of that sickly feeling that will help to keep me away from gambling.

After reading a helpful post in a recovery diary, it prompted me to register with GAMStop. I did the full 5 years and it feels good.

I admit that online gambling gave me a lot of highs - but I also remember it gave me ten times as many lows. When I think back to the hold online gambling had on me - every moment of every day all I was thinking about was finding time to gamble - I'm happy to never have that in my life again.

I'm still vulnerable to relapse but knowing that the doorway to online gambling is firmly shut feels like a huge relief to me.

I don't know how I missed the whole GAMStop thing, but so glad to have the big guns on my side in my struggle to rid gambling from my life.

I did entertain a gambling thought a couple of days ago - but it was brief and I didn't come close to even acting on it. But I've got to keep vigilant of these moments. My printer is running low on inks and a replacement set costs me over £400. So this is when I started thinking about reducing the costs by 'doubling and doubling my cash on roulette' ... but I soon moved on from that dumb business strategy. I think it was more of a fleeting 'auto' thought rather than me genuinely considering options.

In all honesty, I do think I'm on the road to cracking the habit this time round. It's all subjective - but there does seem to be a bit of a sea-change going on with me and gambling.

Although I've let myself down enough times in the past, so I don't take much comfort from any confidence I feel about kicking the habit.

Another week without gambling and very happy with the way things are going.

I'm sure the compulsions are still bubbling under the surface but I've got to accept that this might not change. It's an odd and unusual feeling knowing that I really don't trust myself no matter how much I want to. I'd love this to change but I'm not sure I should expect it to. Is it once a gambler always a gambler?

From what I've read from others this is how it'll be.

Well over 50 days now mate, going great guns : )

Amazing work there Equinox! You are running a good month ahead of me, hopefully that continues to stay the same, for both of us.

That could be me writing some of your comments above. The Gamstop feeling of relief once done (I did the max 5 years as well) and a step change going on in how I now feel about gambling.

Keep up the good work!

Hi Equinox

You doing ok?

I'm in hiding buddy, pathetically licking my wounds.

I relapsed about 2 weeks ago.

I was with a group of people in London, had a little too much to drink, the night lasted till the early hours and I had about 2 hours to wait before I could catch the first morning train back home. They live in outer London offered a place for me to stay but it seemed less of a faff to wait for the train and just head home as it takes less than an hour. In the few hours remaining, we went to a casino to shelter for a couple of hours to sit by the bar. They didn't know I had a problem and I happily didn't say anything. Then I gambled - not a damaging amount - but I gambled.

The rest is all so predictable - stupidly angry with myself as if I had nothing to do with it.

The elephant in the room is I need to join SENSE. Since joining Gamstop, I've been so happy knowing that gambling can't enter my life when I'm at home. I just need to do the same for land casinos - but there was always that idea in my head that I can use the casinos like I was supposed to use them two weeks ago - as some kind of convenient waiting room before my first train home or a place to go for a quiet drink in the early hours and do some computer work when I'm working away from home.

The only consolation I can get from this is I didn't go on a spending bender on the tables. The last relapses at a casino have always ended with an abrupt loss and no desire for me to chase the loss. The opposite was true when gambling at home. I think playing with 'real' money does make a big difference for me - seeing paper money shoved into a hole on a table is a lot more real for me, whereas my Paypal account was just numbers I'd juggle. But gambling is gambling and I'm a proven addict.

Thanks for asking Muststop123. You are a good man with such a strength of character and I feel like a selfish child that keeps stealing from his mum's purse then doing a weepy every time I'm caught.

Because we started here about the same time, I hold such respect and admiration for you and your unbroken record of gamble free days.