Time to start my diary ...

Hi Muststop - thanks for the JW quote - and with that line, my John Wayne is either a fake or he's testing me to see if I'm a man or boy when it comes to having the guts to stop gambling.

The urge to gamble is back big-time. But I'm resisting. It's going to be a day by day challenge until it fades again.

I'm trying to enjoy the fight rather than see it as a difficult and painful struggle. If I'm more light-hearted about it, it somehow doesn't seeem as powerful an addiction and I can be more dismissive of it. Similar to that interview technique where you picture all the panel as shrunken little people with silly squeaky voices, so suddenly they don't seem anywhere near as scary or imposing. My John Wain (I've decided he's an imposter for the moment) will now have a little, squeaky cowboy voice, almost like a nagging whiney friend that won't leave you alone but you've stopped listening to.

Bright and early at 9.10am this Saturday morning my phone rang with an unknown number from Aberdeen - I got my hopes up thinking it might be work related, but it was from a casino rep offering me some ridiculous 'free' bonus that no doubt would have had a 40,0000x wagering clause in it.

I didn't feel angry or offended that they'd want to start my Saturday morning with a gambling call - but instead it acted as a hard reminder that it was me, and only me, that opened the shark cage on this one. And sharks being sharks are only doing what they do best, so I can't blame them for that. Admittedly, it made for a bit of an unsavoury start to the first festive Christmas weekend - but it did have a good symbolic value to it - a bit like a visit from the Ghost of Gambling Past. I'll take it as a reminder of the fool I've been, letting me know that if I don't succeed in changing my ways, my Christmas will be ruined.

This is a site that I wasn't excluded from. Now need to exclude, again.

I'm here because it's gone midnight on Saturday night and I'm still registered to the casino site that phoned me this morning. I've been staring at the deposit screen for about 5 minutes with my card details inputted, then moving between to the live casino to see if I'd win or lose on an imaginary bet, then back to deposit screen. John Wain says stick £150 on the table and make £600 in two easy moves. Christmas is coming and you need that money.

I don't expect or deserve any help at the moment because I know the score here. I know what the answer is - just don't bet. Don't be a loser. Don't be weak. Or do it - and shut up whinging about it.

I spoke to Mrs Equinox today - told her the casino had phoned - and we talked about addiction. She puts all addiction in very simple terms - addiction is a weakness, nobody is forcing you, there's always a choice. What I'm feeling now is just the agitation any addict feels when the urge grabs them. This is where many end up just giving in to the feeling to shut it up. But she's dead right - it's simple. This is my choice, there's no gun at my head, I'm in no pain, this is no life or death situation ... it's just a longing for something. A quick thrill. To even the score. To get some money back. But it's not really the money, it's worse - I think it's just the cheap thrill - I don't need the money now. If I win it now, nothing really changes now. What's the rush to place money on a roulette table in the dead of night. It can't be the money.

I've got to make a choice - if I gamble I did it for a few simple and disgusting reasons - I wanted to gamble, I just wanted the buzz, wanted the free cash, wanted to blame it on some mysterious self destructive streak I think I might just have got and plain can't do anything about.

Worse of all is if I lose - then there's my cue to start b******g and whining about it, wishing someone had just stopped me.

That someone is me - I stop myself. Me. What's so complicated about that? I'll spell it out and make it simple - self-exclude and do something else you dimwit.

I’m not so sure I wholly agree with Mrs E...We do indeed have a choice but to simplify it down to a weakness is maybe a step too far in my mind. I’m still coming to terms with the contradiction between an addict’s often massive ego (thinking we can make something from nothing, beat a machine) & the inherent poor self esteem that comes with it (mostly because I’m still harbouring the delusion that I am God’s gift to womankind)...Simplifying it down to that level reinforces our feelings of uselessness, encourages self flagellation. I think addiction is more a lacking!

When I 1st stopped my crazy, my focus was so intense on chasing my day count that I didn’t really realise it had left a hole (@ least I wasn’t digging it any deeper though) & it’s only been since I’ve tried to climb out that I’ve lost my rose tinted glasses. I don’t think anyone will ever be able to truly persuade me that my childhood caused my addiction but I’m coming to terms with it having a hand in priming me for it.

I found it much easier to humanise too & I can categorically confirm I’ve gone the odd round or two with Mr Gamble, a particularly odorous creature with nasty teeth & halitosiss (so much so, his Joe Pasquale voice is the least of his unsavoury traits)...He might well be a figment of my imagination but I spent nigh on 30 years doting on a fairytale version of the same & so I’m entitled to treat him with the distain he deserves.

He’ll keep bouncing back strong whilst you’ve got doors open but remember, he ain’t the real McCoy & he’s packing a Pea shooter not a sharp shooter so you do have a choice...I hope you made the right one tonight E!

ODAAT wrote:

I can categorically confirm I’ve gone the odd round or two with Mr Gamble, a particularly odorous creature with nasty teeth & halitosiss (so much so, his Joe Pasquale voice is the least of his unsavoury traits)..

Makes me very grateful I've got a John Wayne, with a lovely slow cowboy drawl and dude attitude.

Thanks ODAAT for leaving the post - I'm happy that I woke up Sunday morning still gf. Now I've got some distance from that night (just over a day!) - I can see it with much more perspective. First off, I'm so so so very happy I didn't gamble. I read your reply on Sunday morning and I was so glad I'm stil on Team GF. Yesterday, the urges were minimal and Big John didn't bother me with any persuasion techniques. I'm hoping this was one of my big hum-dinger of a tests to overcome my habit. From now on, I'm hoping it'll be easier.

I think I painted Mrs Equinox's addiction insights in a very blunt way because that's how I was feeling (in a sort of panic!). She said that addiction, especially in the early stages, is down to choice. It's whether a person's attachment to satisfying the addiction is stronger than their attachment to anything else. And it takes a 'strength' when an addict says no to the overwhelming urge to attach again to their addiction because if they do it creates a whole new series of problems (mainly mood related). But if they can say no once, live through it and the anxieties it brings, then their behaviour over time gradually can change because they see that they can survive through not feeding the addiction and continually confirming their behaviour. That's why I used the term 'weakness' because on Saturday night I was struggling to find the the strength to have a life without whatever my gambling attachment was giving me.

But seeing it as 'attachments' and 'non-attachments' - at my stage of things - helped to clarify things. I didn't want my attachment to that John Wayne gambler in my head to be stronger than the very real and loving attachment I have with my family.

I think I understand what you say too about childhood events leading to gambling behaviour/addictions. Last year I did 3 months CBT which highlighted the possibility that my addictive/OCD-ish type behaviour was due to PTSD as a teen. But I didn't see my addictions as being too bad because, for the most part, I've been able to avoid any that I see as creating real problems for me. If I got a bad one, I'd try to replace it with another one - which would be a more productive one). I remember replacing a very bad habit once with reading Shakespeare. I had to read at least 2 plays a day, and as there's only 37 I was done in just over 2 weeks. This is years ago now, but the repetition of re-reading and opening up the worlds of Shakespeare gave me a 'high' that was every bit as wonderful as the bad habit I'd kicked. When I think back to all the wonderful good addicitons I've had (there's about 4 I can think of) which have brought me positive real life gains, I really do wonder why I chose to sucker myself with roulette.

Thanks again ODAAT - I appreciate your support and insights - I was such a boost to read your post on Sunday. And the image of my big bad John Wayne packing a pea shooter is just perfect. He'll hate that.

Take care

Equinox

Good post, when you realise that gambling is more than just losing money, it turns you into a bitter person, an a*****e, a c**P parent, a person who gripes about nonsence because of thier own selfish actions. I also wonder why I thought I could beat roulette with silly systems the ball has landed there so much if I lump on in this section surely its my big payday, no one has ever beaten roulette but in my head I can see patterns. Ive seen folks in betting shops writing down numbers on a notepad, or folks who can call the numbers as they are so used to the graphical glitches, keep away and enjoy life.

I failed, I'm back to day 0.

Sorry Muststop, ODAAT and all the others that have tried to keep me on track. I'm back to day zero - but I'm not going to weep about it because I'm happy to be back to day 0.

I gambled £100 on roulette tonight and lost it all. But my gamble was at a 'land' casino in London. Not an online site.

I was in London today, totally unexpectedally, and after the meet up was over, I had a couple of hours to burn before I got the train home. At the end of the night, I made a widthdrawal of £500, Then I took a trip to a Gros'v Casino to try my luck. I lost £100 in one spin. But, in my pocket, there was still the other 400 pounds I'd withdrawn from one of those pricey atms that I thought would help even the score. But it didn't happen. I was genuinely bored by gambling - seeing the silly ball spin around, the silly people in bow ties spinning the silly ball, and lots of other silly people (myself included, with their silly hopes to make a quick fortune) so I walked right out of the casino. I just wanted to get the train home.

On the way out I started thinking of my 'virtual' online buddies such as Muststop and ODAAT - and the horrible thought that I'd let them down. That did hurt more than the gambling. Yes, I've blown 100 quid but I left with 400 pounds, unspent. That's a win to me. I never would have been able to do that before joining this site and starting this diary. I'm back to day 1 - and sorry for that - but I'm happy that I know I can walk away from a roulette table. That's a first for me.

I've blown my 28 days gf - but I've gained in the knowledge that I can walk out of a casino because it's boring and it doesn't live up to whatever dreamy fiction I expected it to be.

In this loss, there's a massive gain for me - and it's thanks to this site - the magic of gambling has been kicked to the sideline. I was worried about the land casinos, I knew it would be a big issue for me - but that's over now. I know it's easy to say with only a few hours between this post and my last gamble - but, for what it's worth, I think this is a turning point. I always loved the thrill of a real casino, but that's gone now. There's no real pull with online sites now, and slots and bookies have never been my thing - so this could be it for me.

I was going to hide this failure, but I want it to be honest.

Yes, dear diary I f-ckd up, but I'm glad I did. I lost 100 quid but I didn't lose 500.

Edit: I've just woken up and read the post. I don't feel that terrible feeling about gambling - because I still feel as if it's out of my system. There's no inner conflict. The visit to the casino felt like the Saturday Night Fever film that was never made - where Tony Manero heads to the disco as an older man, expecting a good dance, but takes a look around and thinks no my disco days are over, I just want to go home.

I should change my username to the happy dimwit because that's how I feel today.

And sorry sorry sorry Muststop - I failed our Xmas challenge. You are an inspiration to me and I've let the both of us down. But there's hope for me, I genuinely feel that.

I've just read my post and I sound like a drug addict that's just had a hit. I expect no one to belive a word I've said, but I still think I've made a turning point.

The Dimwit.

Poor choice but your choice & good on you for not only walking out but for owning it! I would always recommend closing the door, starting with self exclusion

http://www.nationalcasinoforum.co.uk/playingsafe/sense-information/

but I would also suggest you look @ limiting your funds. £500 is a lot of available cash for people like us!

I can completely see why you are proud that you came to your senses so quickly & also that in the cold light of day you may think that we read it like you have had a ‘hit’...It doesn’t matter what other people think, what matters is that you learn from it. What I will say is our recovery emotions don’t last so this bitter hatred you feel now needs to be channelled.

I’m glad you clarified the ‘weakness’ as it had me a tad concerned but Shakespeare (gasp)? Mills & Boon may have been a marginally less educational option with slightly more longevity 😉 I get exactly what you are saying about the ‘high’ though. I’m reading The Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate who has a CD addiction & whilst I could never have fathomed such a sentence a short while ago, I get now that the buzz can come from anywhere. I wish I knew a bit more about moving forwards but sounds like you’re in safe hands with Mrs E 🙂

Are you still a Dimwit if you learn from your mistakes?

Arrggg, I've had this nagging worry ever since you mentioned London and real life casinos.

First of all, don't put any additional worries/pressures in place because of what you think anyone else on here might think. We want you to give up gambling and will give you any support we can but ultimately this is your fight and you will take the benefits or pain of whatever actions you take. I must admit I was looking forward to raising a particularly large glass of wine in toast to your 50 days GF at Christmas so if you want any guilt I am putting that one out there. Just saying.

Big plus point was your ability to walk away after losing £100 with £400 still in your pocket. Not sure I could do that if I ever gambled again.

Right, here are the harsh bits, take from it what you want but I only say it because I care about your recovery. I could just say, "there there don't worry about it, its ok" but not sure how helpful that is really.

Bit annoyed you have given a casino another £100 but that is probably a drop in ocean for them so minor point.

£500 in cash??!! A complusive gambler, surrounded by casinos in London, on his own! I know you like to test yourself but..???

You seem remarkably relaxed about this and for me whether you are right to be relaxed comes down to why you really stopped. Was it because you had a sudden guilt trip and are now telling yourself you were bored with the idea to excuse yourself? Or were you honestly, deep down not tempted to carry on gambling and get your £100 back? If it is the latter then I applaud you and think the £100 was a pretty good investment because I am not sure there are many of us on this site who could achieve that. If you have got real life casinos out of your head then that is another demon sorted which is a positive.

As many others have said, this was never going to be an easy road. Get back in the saddle and stop testing yourself!

Muststop123

.

Dear ODAAT and Muststop - it's hard to say just how touched I was by your posts. They made me weep.

As for yesterday, I didn't feel any of the feelings I'd experienced previously when gambling. The best word I could use to describe the whole thing was just 'silly'. I know what that intense sense of urgency feels like when you have an addiction or a compulsion to do something - but I just didn't have it anymore standing at the roulette table. That's why I left. With my hand on my heart, I can say there was no struggle in walking out the casino or wanting to chase a loss, or plan a future visit.

I'm hugely disappointed in myself but I feel so humbled by your support, and today has been an emotional day. But no emotions about the gambling - there's no feeling there for it except how silly or foolish the whole thing was.

But I feel as if I need to get the 28 days back before I can believe a word I say, but I'm hoping both demons have been downed - the big online demon and the little land casino demon. I never had such a worry about land casinos as I did online because I've found it hard to bet anywhere near as much or for me to be at the table for as long I did online.

But ODAAT and Muststop, if only you could know how immensley grateful I am for your words. I lost £100 last night, but the sense of joy for humankind I feel by your support is worth ten thousand times that. . If the god of the universe dips into this thread, or Santa reads my posts, I hope they put you at the top of the list and make all your Christmas wishes come true.

Get back at it mate. I just hope from what i read that you don't see the slip as you being able to gamble in a controlled manner. Just stay safe and stay away. Get back at it and get a good few days GF back before the new year rolls around.

All the best =)

Hi sjwsjw - thanks - and I know this sounds crazy because I've just done the opposite but I want gambling totally out of my life. I'm back in London on Thursday and Monday, and I swear to god I'll chain myself to my home if I end up making another trip to the casino.

The only thing that gives me any kind of hope is that I felt the magic had gone last night. I felt like a loser and a fool. There's was a moment in the casino when I asked myself do I really want to do this - and the answer was a clear and calm no. It felt like a definite choice, without struggle.

The same for smoking - I had a phase of just 1 year where I smoked like a chimney - but I stopped 14 years ago, and the feeling was the same. The desire goes. It seems like there's a moment when something switches off and hopefully never turns back on. I know I'll have to be careful forever, but I hope this is the same 'cigarette' moment.

For my diary, I'm going to list some reminders.

Good stuff and bad stuff:

I walked out a casino with money to spend. No urge to chase a bet. Yes you did, but what were you doing there in the first place with cash in your hand? You gambled. All your words and promises were empty and meaningless. Again.

I want gambling out of my life. Yeah, you keep saying that but you're not doing it. Read the above.

This has been a really cheap month (28 days), with just £100 lost. The monthly bill would be so much worse if I'd not found this site and tried to do something about it. If I made a graph of my spending, this month would seem like a great success compared to others. That's true - but £100 is still a lot of money and is this going to be the start of more gambling and that curve on the graph that you're so proud starts to rocket upwards in 2018.

I failed, but I'll start again. Good. But don't be such a dimwit in the future.

Hi Equinox

Would rather you had not gambled but having read your last couple of posts I do understand your position that this may actually be ok because you have realised that real life casinos aren't some glitzy wonderful place that are going to mkae you feel good. They are just like online, a place largely full of sad and despairing people despite what external view they might try and project.

Keep at it and prove yourself by staying away tomorrow and Monday.

Muststop123

Hi Muststop123 (I'm never sure whether I should include numbers - but I suddently thought it might be rude not to).

I'm still gutted by my gamble - and it all feels like I'm just going blah blah blah whinge blah whenever I say anything about it. My actions are the only thing that'll prove I'm done with gambling. Blah blah. I feel polluted by what I did, but if it's the last of my die hard urges then I'm good with it and should be grateful.

Just want to log this feeling in my diary.

I feel so bad about losing my 28 days. The loss of those days feels similar to how I'd feel when I'd lost money during my frenzy gambling days. A sickly stomach churning regret. But I'm hoping that this might mean that being gamble free is like a new currency for me. I don't care about the £100, but the loss of my 28 days stings like hell.

London tomorrow. I think I should be safe.