Time to start my diary ...

“Winners are not those who never fail...They’re the ones that never quit!”

It may hurt but you can’t change it & for what it’s worth, recovery isn’t about how many days you’ve been clean! It may feel like blah blah blah to you but this is your place to write & be honest so keep saying. Actions will speak for themselves & you may not always feel this strong so get what you feel down now, good, bad & ugly so that if you need to glance back down the line it’s there in black & white.

I’m not @ my normal place of work 2moz else I’d chaperone you in Town...Remember these thoughts & stay safe - ODAAT

Just dropping into say Dear Diary I’m still gf. The London casinos were as about as appealing as drinking a bucket of sick, so I was safe from temptation. Monday will be another test, but I’m sure I’ll feel the same. Still feel gutted about my relapse. Thank you for all those who have supported me.

Monday is over and I've headed back from London nice and early, dodging the casinos.

Still not proud of what I did and still have a hard time trusting myself - but my gf days are now beginning to clock up again - I think it's about 6!

One little positive in the big disappointment is that I've not gambled online for a little longer and I'm not feeling much of an urge to do so.

I did get a replacement for one of my credit cards today (I destroyed them all about a month ago) - but I asked Mrs Equinox if she could remove the digits on the back before handing it to me.

I hope there's a time when I can totally trust myself. Only time will tell, I suppose.

Good to hear from you, keep chipping away mate. You can still get a nice run up to the new year.

Thanks sjwsjw, I appreciate the boost - I'm determined to chip away at the days and make up for the loss. And yes, I don't want the new year and Christmas blighted by any dumb gambling moves. Even though I still feel angry at myself for relapsing, I also need to focus on the days I haven't gambled in the last month rather than the few that I have.

ODAAT wrote:

I’m not @ my normal place of work 2moz else I’d chaperone you in Town...Remember these thoughts & stay safe - ODAAT

Thanks ODAAT - luckily, I survived the dangers of the city without a chaperone and have arrived home safe and none the poorer.

I did get big John W whispering see, you can handle this. Yes, you're a gambler - but you're not a compulsive gambler.

But I don't want to be a gambler, so my cowboy brain is wasting its time trying to convince me.

Still have a long, long way to go before I trust a word I say though.

Equinox wrote:

But I don't want to be a gambler, so my cowboy brain is wasting its time trying to convince me.

To quote the real JW again, rather than your fake one, "A man's got to have a code, a creed to live by" - our code is we do not want to be gamblers.

Your blip was a minor insignificance which showed you can walk away and did not even enjoy the experience. Keeping away from the day to day opportunity to gamble online is more important.

Keep to the code!!

Muststop123

Muststop123 wrote:

To quote the real JW again, rather than your fake one, "A man's got to have a code, a creed to live by"

Thanks Muststop123 - it's a no contest really.

Real JW: A man's gotta have a code, a creed to live by

My JW: Go on! Have a quick spin! You might get lucky! What you waitin' for - it's fun fun fun!!!!

I'm beginning to think the voice in my head is more The Krankies than John Wayne.

Dear Diary - still feeling a bit emotional about my relapse. I'm worried that I've got a self destruct button and gambling provides the perfect one. I spoke to Mrs Equinox about my gambling last night and told her I think I've got it under control. Which I think is true. Sometimes I think I don't value what I do in life. A lot of the time I feel I shouldn't have what I've got. I come from very humble beginnings and a lot of the time I feel as if I don't deserve what I've achieved. Like I'm a fake. And that's where maybe gambling found a happy home in me. Somehow I'm linking gambling to Monopoly - I advance to Mayfair but landing on the hotel strips me of all my cash and puts me back where I think I belong.

Need to get a grip, I think. Be a bit more John Wayne.

I'm not feeling any urges to gamble - but I'm not going to give myself a pat on the back till I get to 28 days.

I got an email from a casino today - it was an advent calendar offering 'gifts' in the form of gambling incentives. I clicked on the link, mainly out of curiosity. I looked at a dull offer for a free fiver for about a second then closed the tab. Shouldn't have clicked the link though.

Dear Diary

Back into double figures again with 10 days on the clock.

Things are very busy and I'm grateful for that. Although, as I write this, I'm sipping a M & S Christmas spicy tea and eating a slice of toast. Sometimes simple is better. I love the build up to Christmas.

Not gambling is like having a rotten tooth pulled - after it's gone, there's a real sense of calm and gratefulness. I'm going to enjoy that feeling. Gambling urges have done a runner on me. So far so good.

I

Day 11 and gambling thoughts are as good as gone. But I know this feeling can be temporary, so I'll keep vigilant and watch my behaviour. This time round I do feel more sure that I can quit - before my last relapse I hadn't catagorized land casinos in the same grubby light as the online ones. They held a romantic attraction for me. But now they're one and the same.

Money is a bit tight at the moment and I flinch at the idea of wasting a single penny of it by gambling.

Since my relapse I'm finding it hard to like or trust myself. There was a self-loathing that kicked into action after a gambling spree - but this one seems much more deeply routed. But I'm sure it's a temporary self-indulgent feeling. This process will have lots of phases. I'm hoping that I've cracked the main addiciton, but it's now left me with having to reconcile the tragic selfish gambler me with the critical me.

Dear diary - day 12. And no temptations or urges.

Not sure where John Wayne has gone.

This is day 13. All quiet on the Western Front. No uncomortable urges to gamble or moments when I came close to even thinking about joining an online casino.

I've just finished watching the BBC Drugsland documentaries. It's uncomfortable for me to watch programmes about addiction.

I nearly sold something on Ebay today for £150 - but I ended up losing the sale because I didn't want to haggle myself down by another £15 after reducing already by £30. It was more a principle type of thing - the 15 wouldn't have made much difference either way. But it got me thinking how my approach to money is all skew-whiff. I was happy to gamble and lose chunks of money, but when it comes to £15 on Ebay, I go all Gordon Gekko.

Signing in for day 14.

Everything still good as far as managing the urges. But need to mention that I did dip into a Youtube gambling stream for a few minutes. I should knock this on the head.

And for the record, I emailed the Ebay buyer and apologised for being such a Scrooge and offered him the price he wanted. I've wasted too much money to suddenly be all bah-humbug with my cash at Christmas. He sent a lovely email back and it felt good to have done a little 'good deed'.

I've just checked my cashflows and things are okay short term - but my financial future still looks a bit scary, so I need to make sure I never see gambling as a solution.

Day 15. Everything still good.

Yesterday, I gave some time to thinking about how I'd use every spare minute to gamble. One perfect opportunity was when I was exercising - which usually takes just over an hour, 5 or 6 times a week. It used to seem impossible for me to exercise without my phone in my pocket, logged into a casino, while I had the weights in my hand.

This was one of the hardest gambling moments for me to break. I've pretty much done the same exercise routine since I was 17 - which is many many moons ago - and I'd always pretty much found it achingly dull, but something I just need to do. But gambling, while exercising, gave every session such a new and powerful buzz - Instead of dreading a workout, I'd be buzzing with anticipation, suddenly eager to do my keep-fit.

Yesterday, when I did my routine, my phone still with me - the idea of gambling seemed light-years away. An act of madness. I could picture the 'addict me' tapping away between sets and it was a sorry sight. This seemed like a good sign to me - I won't assume I'm free of gambling, but my rosy specs have definitely fallen off.

I ended up listening to, for the first time, The Velvet Underground's most hated album - Squeeze. I'm still a big VU fan - and most people, myself included, don't catagorise Squeeze as a real VU album ... but I thought I'd give it a go. It was superb - lifted my spirit - and I was hit with one of those 'thank god I listened to that before I died' moments. That's when it really hit home: there are so many other things to do in life - even little insignificant things like this - rather than watch some casino dolly or bowtie hunk spin a roulette ball and take all my cash from me. Doug Yule, bless him, has no idea how happy he made an ex-gambler yesterday.

Taking it a day at a time - and I'm sure I won't be gambling today.

Hello Equniox really liked your post on Michael's board. Lets keep that attitude and use it to enjoy as many days as we can GF!