Time to start my diary ...

Checking in for Day 31.

Dear Diary - this is a bit of a ramble, but I was thinking about my gambling when I woke up this morning and it occurred to me that whenever a gambling thought enters my head, I always visualise it as a single session of gambling. Which is probably why it's more appealing because if I think of gambling as ongoing and permanent, it becomes a terrifying thought. My voice always says just once more rather than the much more likely start gambling now and keep gambling until you've blown everything - money, family and home.

It's scary to even think of the the damage that I could have done if I'd just gambled these last 31 days.

I'm not sure if this is good or bad for my recovery - but I did find it useful to watch a video upload from a youtube gambler. In the past few months, I've been watching some of his videos and streams - which as far as I can see show the losses as much as the wins. So it does give a truthful picture of gambling, which is quite a sad and lonely activity. But he recently uploaded a video which detailed a month by month breakdown of his gambling expenditure in Profit and Loss Gambling Log for 2017. The spreadsheet included all daily losses shown in red and all wins in shown in black. It was shocking to see the consistent losses over the year, occasionally countered by the odd win.

By the end of the year, he was down by a significant amount. But seeing his gambling purely as numbers inputted into a dull looking Excel spreadsheet, all very dispassionate without the usual glitz, glamour and dreams usually associated to casino gambling, it provided a very clear message. Gambling is for losers. Losing is inevitable over time.

I think this is what got me to think about how destructive it would be if I was to gamble long-term, how there'd only be one outcome and that's a loss that just gets bigger and bigger over time.

So next time my gambling voice pipes up, I'm going to correct it when it tries to convince me it's just going to be a one-off session.

Day 32.

All is good and my urges seem weak - but I'm worried that because time has passed since my last gamble, thoughts about gambling no longer seem as repulsive. How easily I forgive the habit - it's shocking. If I think how long I've held grudges over trivial things, how come gambling gets off the hook so easily? Makes no sense.

But this is a pattern for me - and for many others I'm sure - but I'll be extra cautious these next few days (or decades, probably)

It's shocking how easily I forget the sickening feeling a gambling loss gave me. And they were all loses ultimately.

I've joined the 2018 challenge, so I'm determined not to stumble again.

This evening has been tough.

When an urge hits, gambling splits me right down the middle - half of me is I hate gambling, get out of my life now!! ... and no prizes for guessing what the other 50 per cent says.

I'm logging in again, to force a pause from giving in to the temptation, I'm trying remember why I don't gamble. Trying to be objective.

The scenario goes like this: A gambling urge hits. The voice says it will be controlled. I know it won't be. I know I don't need gambling in my life. But I think I want it in my life.

I acknowledge it's self-destructive nonsense. But a part of me just doesn't care. I know I can lose. It's not a win win win scenario in my head. I confirm to myself I'm an addict. But that's okay with me. And I'm ready to despise myself that little bit more if I gamble.

And that's the gambling addict talking. It could be any other drug and the story would be the same.

I was good today. A busy day. I did plenty of work, I saw some amazing Renaissance sculptures at the Victoria & Albert museum, I went for a romantic meal and had plenty of quality time with loved ones. I also walked 3 miles through London and saw maybe 4 casinos ... and maybe that's what's triggered something today.

But I don't get why I want to keep pressing detonate on myself.

I'll tell myself that this struggle is part of the cure. It will be ongoing and tough. These thoughts and urges will continue to attack me. How unreasonable of me to expect that because I say no to an addiction, the addiction will die. How fantastic it would be if every drug, alcohol and gambling addict could just say okay I've had enough now, then that would be the end of it.

Thanks Diary for always being here when I need you.

No gambling done. A fresh day but need to keep resisting the urges - take everything one moment at a time. Always visit here when the urges hit.

I so badly want this out of my system.

Dear Diary

Day 36. I don't have much to say to myself today about my gambling except that I still feel in a bit of a spin trying to get my head around the whole thing.

I think I'm getting the value of money back. I'm not sure I'd have the guts to gamble big money again. It scares me rather than excites me.

Day 38.

I've just read a poem in the recovery diary about addiction. With addiction personified as an external force and it's got me thinking.

This is how I usually see my addiction: a voice that's somehow separate to me. All very Adam and Eve-ish with Satan disguised in the tree seducing me to bite the apple.

But this isn't how it is. I am my addiction.

It's not the gambling companies, it's not my financial ups and downs, or my life situation or struggles. These might play a part in influencing my thoughts, but the bottom line is the voice is just me making a selfish choice to get a good gambling hit.

I think that's what's makes this a confusing battle. I'm fighting myself. And then when I get beaten by gambling, I shift a lot of the blame from myself and see the addiction as something separate from me.

I don't know where this is going, but is gambling as simple as - do I want accept the risks of gambling, yes or no? If it's no, then just don't gamble. If it's yes, gamble.

When I think back to my last relapse, I was being selfish - I knew that I was going to do what I wanted to do. It didn't sneak up on me unaware. I knew that there was a money risk, I knew that I'd be throwing away my gamble free days, I knew that I'd be letting people down and be stepping back on to a destructive path - but I didn't care 'enough'. I mustn't have cared because I did it. I made that choice and was happy to accept the consequences.

Then on the come-down, I then re-frame my gambling as some clever external trickster that's fooled me again.

But it was just me, being selfish.

In case anyone reads this, I don't mean to sound insensitive - I speak only for myself here, I'm just trying to get a better understanding of my gambling habit.

The struggle I feel staying gamble free is becasue I mustn't have made up my mind to reject gambling. The potential risks must still seem worth it.

I might have said this before but if the risk was: I gamble = I die. I can guarantee I wouldn't gamble. So it all comes down to a very simple equation of whether or not I gamble

Gambling + potential outcome = I gamble if I accept consequences.

I'm going in circles here. But the bottom line is I need to take all responsibility for my choices when it comes to my selfish gambling habit.

Ugres are low to non-existent today.

It feels like I think about gambling a lot because I visit the gamecare site each day, but it's beginning to seem like quite a while since I was caught in the mad frenzy of gambling, which was late October when I started the diary. When I think back, I think did I really do all that sneaky and stupid stuff on my iPhone day after day??

I'm beginning to get some distance now between me and what I did and I know I never want to be caught like that again by gambling.

These past few weeks I've tried to develop a more healthy compulsion - I've started working my way through the History of Art. It was something I knew back from my college days, but I've only ever dipped back in there every now and again. But it's now taken on it's fully compulsive form - like it usually does with me. I've planned my next month's reading in advance, I've got a daily schedule detailing what I've got to read, and I make a pile of notes.

Although it's developing a 'burden' element because I make up all sorts of rules and demands where I have to stick to my plan, like those people who feel they have to exercise each day, it's a thousand thousand times more enjoyable than gambling. And I get a buzz still when some bit of understanding clicks in my head.

The other day I treated myself to a visit to see some Michelangelo casts at the V&A - they were breath-taking, genuinely. You're hit with the 'seriously, how could a normal bloke do that?. And I imagined myself next to the artist having a quick chat, where he'd talk about his life and I'd talk about mine. He'd tell how he's struggling to chisel his way to classical perfection and I'd then tell him how I'm desperately struggling with not logging on to a online betting site from my iPhone while I'm in the bath. I'd hope he'd whack me over the head with his chisel and knock some sense into me.

With gambling, I'm hoping I just chose the wrong thing to do. I got suckered because it was new and exciting and provided easy money, but it was dumb of me. I know I develop deep habits, I know I get hooked so easily - but I should have been wise enough to spot the danger and not take that first step into casinoland.

I think as long as I've got other things to focus on, then I should be safer for me.

I've read quite a few posts where boredom seems to be a trigger - so I'm going to keep busy when I'm alone or during my bloke-ish downtime moments.

I've been a bit lazy with exercise since Christmas - so I'll also do a bit more of that. I've put about 5 pounds on which is so hard to lose compared to the same amount on a roulette table. On takes a second and the other takes a 140 mile jog.

Morning Equinox. Glad to see your keeping off the gambling. Devoting your time and energies to more worthwhile pursuits has got to be a step in the right direction. Great you are thinking about your fitness, enjoying social interactions and revisiting the cultural pursuits you have a passion for.

A leopard can't change it's spots and neither can the addiction. It may well appear to go along with our 'new life.' However it will occasionally get bored and decide it wants to gamble. That is when we have to draw on all our strength, courage and common decency, and say NO.

Do we have devils on our shoulder telling us to gamble, or is it all in our mind ? I asked my angels this question but their answer has not been forthcoming ! Gambling urges remind me of demanding children persistently nattering for something they desire. With children and gambling urges, they can maybe be distracted by engaging in something else. We, like the unruly child need to be treated in a firm, compassionate way and shown the difference between what is right and what is wrong. It is worthwhile remembering, at the end of the day, that we do have the final say.

Congratulations will be in order come saturday, you will be 40 days into your recovery. Quite a significant number.

Take care...stephen

Abstainer wrote:

It is worthwhile remembering, at the end of the day, that we do have the final say.

Thanks Stephen.

And you're dead right - we always have the final say. It's probably quite an obvious thing, but it's so easy to forget. I feel that these are the words I should carry around in my wallet.

Clocking in for day 43.

I've been in 'man' pain for the last 3 days. Stomach hurts like hell and not sure why. Although today it seems to be getting slightly better. But it's amazing how a bit of physical pain can remove all my gambling thoughts completely.

Day 44.

As anticipated, the next few months could be a struggle for me, financially. I need to watch myself and make sure I don't try to see gambling as any sort of money solution. I doubt I will, but I just need to have it down in writing here as a big fat reminder for myself.

I'm feeling strong but a little wary. I did catch myself yesterday thinking about a gambling session from a couple of months ago when I'd won a big chunk of money. If an urge hits, I just have to keep reminding myself that all my winnings and a wodge of my savings was ulitmately lost - and so will any money I ever place on a bet.

I did some calculations the other day - going through my earnings, expenses and savings - and unfortunately I'd lost more money than I initially thought. But I've got to be okay with that. Just don't lose any more.

Keep going ! We are the worst accountants and the best accountants at the same time ! We know exactly how much available we have when money is coming in and out. However we only think about the short term and not the overall expenditure !

I have to be really careful when juggling figures around. I have frequently in the past decided that my finances needed just a little contribution from the bookies! "Not a lot", I would think to myself. "Maybe just enough to pay this, or that" or whatever else came to mind. In fairness I would sometimes win the amount I had pictured in my mind but by than I couldn't stop. I suppose I was just being greedy, naive and very foolish. Take care my friends...stephen

Thanks Vulture and Stephen.

As the days clock by without a gamble, I'm beginning to feel less in its hold. But because there was some unexpected bills at the start of the year, it got my mind thinking about the days when gambling seemed to pay. All trickery and lies.

Hi Equinox

Glad to hear you are staying strong, not been on here much as really busy at work at the moment.

It's ok to know how much you lost financially in the past but don't focus on it. That was the Equinox of the past, not the new Equinox who does not gamble so don't give yourself too hard a time. You can't change the past.

By my calculations it is 50 days next Tuesday. It may be a schoolnight but I will raise a large glass of something to you then.

Muststop123