Time to walk a happier path

Hi time..

Welcome...anw well done on starting your recovery diary...you will have ups and downs like we all do...this is the best place for support and advise....keep posting...take a day at a time xx

george xx

Hi George,

Thanks alot for taking the time to post in my diary, it's truelly appreciated.

I found myself tempted to have another attempt at winning back losses last night as I had a cheque clear yesterday and have a small amount of funds available to do so. I'm glad to say that I managed to get through the night without signing up to yet another site (I've already self excluded from 7) and although the temptation is still very much there I have been coming to GamCare and reading more of other peoples stories everytime the thought crosses my mind instead of giving in to the craving.

I was feeling pretty low last night as I'd spoken to my girlfriend on the phone and so much wanted to tell her about my latest losses and that I'd joined this site but I just couldn't find the courage to do so. She's been helping me out with paying a couple of bills and I just felt it would be slapping her in the face to tell her that whilst she's doing so I'm squandering what little cash I have. I hate the fact that I've gotten to a point yet again where I feel I have to hide things from those I love.

Anyway, I've decided today to make a list of possitives to refer to whenever I feel the urge to gamble...

My list of possitives

Although I've lost more than I can afford in real terms and my life would feel alot less stressful if i hadn't lost alot of money, I currently have no debt.

I have supportive family and friends who will listen if and when I decide to fully open up.

I have a wonderful girlfriend who despite knowing about my past problems with gambling, drugs and deprerssion has decided to stand by me

Having found this forum I now have somewhere that I come to when things don't feel so good, no need to bottle up the emotions anymore.

I can finally admit that I want my life and my smile back.

Hi TTS

Your so welcome...i'm glad you are coming back and posting... can honestly say i wished i could wave a magic wand to help everyone on this site...:)

deep down i can be here to support you and others and myself to get through this.. you will find the right time to tell your girlfriend..take a day as it comes...i know it took me 4 years to tell my best friend..i wished i did it earlier...

i'm 8 weeks gamble free i havn't excluded myself from anything...but i havn't mananged to get into town due to having an accident lol...but alot of my damaged was online bingo/slots..as from yet i havn't closed accounts down...i think i shall do them tonight..i just wanted to see if i could go without...in my head if i put gamblock on i will find other means to go on them...and would go places to have a fix...my willpower at the moment must be good..hope this makes sense.

george xx

Hi TTs,

"Time to walk a happier path".. absolutely.. am with you on that one! 🙂

I find that bit by bit and by just taking each day as it comes.. I am becoming a stronger person in recovery.. and happier.

All the best to you and your on-going recovery.. S.A 🙂

Hi TTS

I wish you all the best in your recovery. You appear to have had enough of this rollercoaster and now decided to get off once and for all. Make sure you keep the positive "Have no debt" a positive. If I were you I would install Gamblock so you cannot access any site. Excluding from all sitea apart from one is of no use either. Why are you leaving the door open? Shut it as soon as you can.

Please take care and keep posting.

Steve E

Well, this feels strange.

I started this diary almost 6 years ago (admittedly I didn't seem to keep it up). It is really a bit of a swirl of emotions reading back my first post and to some extent re-feeling the mix of all of the sadness and yet optimism. What a heady reminder of all of the happiness that gambling took from my life.

So, why am I back?

Well, for a positive start... I did stop gambling!! From that initial post (the day after a big loss) I managed 5 years and 10 months free of online betting, and save for the VERY occasional lottery ticket or scratchcard all gambling whatsoever.

I found myself a part time job in a new career that I have kept sinse (started nearly 5 years ago) and am looking forward to progressing further in and have on the whole kept my mental health in check and lead a normal life of highs, a few lows and a whole lot of normality inbetween. Whilst the relationship with my girlfriend at the time ended a while back (not long after I first posted in fact) I have had other relationships that have not had the blight of gambling in the background and am currently in one that brings me a lot of joy.

However...

I found myself, I would like to say 'from out of nowhere' (but that ain't the truth), signing up and depositing into an online site about a month ago. My reasons for doing so are a bit jumbled. It was partly out of boredom, partly because I'd had a cr** day, partly because I fancied the challenge of seeing if I could win a couple of quid, partly because I felt tired, partly because I felt I had control and mostly because I had completely disregarded the coping strategies that I'd put in place over the previous years that had almost become hidden and second nature.

I made a small deposit and sat there watching digital cards being dealt and animated balls spinning on animated wheels as I placed little 10p - 1 bets. After I'd made a tenner, I cashed out. Smug me, I had exercised 'control', won and actually cashed out.

I didn't log back in the next day and let the funds return to my bank account with my 'life changing' 10 on top.

A couple of weeks later, when I had a quiet night, I did the same thing. If I put in a tenner I'm only ever going to lose my previous win, there can't be any harm really...can there? After all I am able to control this now!... Click, click, deal, deal, hold, whirl, odd, even... Oh look, I've kept my bets small and made another 20 on top of my tenner! I'll cash that out and that's my lot!!

Okay, so I made a little bit of pocket money last night and cashed out, I could maybe reverse that withdrawl and see if I can add to it, if I lose more than a fiver I'll stop and cash out again. It's just fun afterall and I am in control now and betting with winnings only. Click, click, higher, lower, deal, deal, black, red.... Oh b*m, I've lost a fiver....Well maybe just a fiver more.... Well okay, I'll win that tenner back if I continue... Um, well alright it was all winnings anyway, might as well see if I can boost this last tenner up. Well alright, that all disapeared rather quickly. I'll log out now, I'm not depositing anymore, I remember just why these places literally suck!

A week later... Alright, just one more small deposit, it's late and I'm tired and a bit 'meh' I won't stay on for long and if I lose then I'll log out. Oooh, I'm winning, I'm winning...Oh bloody hell, they've done me again! THAT IS NOT FAIR!!! Quick another deposit, double it up that way you stand more chance of winning back the loss.... Eh? Hang on, where did all that go?!!! How very dare they!! One more 'bigger' deposit that'll do the trick....I DON'T BELIEVE IT!! They are doing this on purpose!!!... Right, I'll show them!!! I'll do a huge deposit and win everything back in one hand/spin .... 'Your card issuer has declined the deposit'...

Okay, breath, pheew, stop, think....What am I doing?!!!!! How much have I.......

It turns out that I had quickly blown 183. This was nowhere near what I had in my account but my bank stopped the transactions based on suspected fraud as so many deposits had been made in quick succession. They essentially provided me with an intervention that possibly saved the rest of my money (I have no way of knowing if I would have stopped myself, but I suspect not).

The next day I felt angry, angry with myself for breaking all of my own rules, not my stupid 'safe gambling' rules but my NO gambling rules. I had proved what I already knew and cost myself a not entirely small chunk of change to teach myself a lesson I already knew! What an idiot!!

This was 3 days ago. I have had zero compulsion to go back to the site other than to self-exclude, which I did yesterday. When the online chat assistant asked me why I was leaving I had nothing else i could think of saying other "I am a compulsive gambler".

I am pretty sure that I have learned my lesson and that when bordom, tiredness or anything else strikes I'll deal with it in the same way I have for years now (sit with it until I understand it, distract myself and let it pass). I'm not feeling any urges to gamble and don't feel angry any more (it happened).

However, I did come back here and have posted on a couple of other peoples threads, trying to give advice as it is a form of positive re-enforcement for me as well.

I thought I'd see if my old diary was here and low & behold.

Reading this has really hit home as to how deeply gambling made me lose myself the first time around. I am NEVER letting that happen again.

I am a compulsive gambler and went 5 years without a bet.

But today i am on day 3.

Hi time to stop

Thank you for sharing your experience

You have showed me that yet again I can never underestimate this gambling addiction

Thank you for that

I wish you strength and positivity as you carry on living your gamble free life

Best wishes

Suzanne x

Hi! Well I think that stands as a lesson to us all fighting this horrible disease. It's always going to be there. Lurking waiting to catch us out i have felt so positive in the last few weeks but I am trying to mentally prepare myself for those days or times when I'm vulnerable and those thoughts of . . I'll just do a tenner and that's that. Yeh right. I was thinking this morning of all the things I can buy with ten pounds. There's a lot you can do with ten pounds and yet you can lose it in seconds playing on line slots. Which is my big nasty evil destruction of choice. I take great inspiration from reading your posts and although it was a lot of money looks like it could have been a lot worse. Hopefully a slap in the face to wake you back up to the concept that you are still vulnerable to this illness. I'm just at the start of my journey but i am determined to change my life. Hope you're ok and thank you x

Thanks for reading and inputting into my diary Suzanne and Liz, I'm really glad that there's something in all of this that is useful to others.

Well, I'm now 4 days past the wake-up call and can still happily say I have had zero urge to gamble or any thoughts that may lead me that way. Whilst I do think I shouldn't find it hard to get back to the positive thought patterns I had for such a long period up until a month ago I'm certainly not going to rest on my laurels and become complacent or kid myself that no harm was done whatsoever.

I've had a good think about what it was that ultimately drove me back to 'flirt' with a lifestyle that I had thought I'd moved on from.

I think it's a combination of a couple of things;

Failing to use the tools I have been employing to deal with everyday ( pretty normal) stresses, especially stresses revolving around interactions with others

A moment of arrogance and complacency that lead me lie to myself that I had mastered complete control of everything I involve myself in.

There was possibly also a dose of daring myself to take risk and feel either invincible or (more likely) crash and burn and use that as an excuse to beat myself up.

It all sounds pretty lame now that I think I've gotten to the crux.

I have certainly re-awoken to myself and remembered (and embraced) that I AM NOT in control of everything, only that which I have direct influence over (i.e. my choices and reactions) and that gambling is not, and never can be something that I can choose or react to in a way that I can control. Although not addicted anymore (a positive!) in certain scenario's I AM a compulsive gambler and always will be.

There can be no 'just a tenner to see...' situations. I am just not capable of potentially turning that into another open eyed stroll into nightmare-land.

So, I’m feeling in control of my choices and reactions and positively re-enforced to keep that up.

I’ve zero urge to gamble, in fact quite the opposite. I have instead worked out a feasible and not to depriving plan to replace the 'missing funds' from my savings by cutting back on one or two things over the next 3 to 4 weeks - and actually feel motivated and not the least bit unhappy to do so. It feels symbolically important for me to do this and I’d like to take a sense of achievement out of everything.

Day 4, all is calm and centred and long may it stay that way.

Hi mate, not sure if your still actively using the site. Hope all is well if your reading this.