To do it properly

Hi Paul,

I am pleased you have started your diary again, ( where's your old one lol, you could learn a lot from it now) but understand the new slate and start.

Your post on your new members thread was very honest I am pleased you explained yourself a bit to others.

Listen I honestly don't know what is worse you being on your own in this, (therefore you are not financially affecting anyone else) or emotionally, so in a way that's good, but you don't have the support off any family, which we do need ,

None of it is good Paul, and it is up to us ourselves to arrest this horrible addiction.

I know you are really trying, but I sensed reading this post that your whole heart and soul is not quite yet into it, it's like you feel,you have to do this, Paul it won't work unless you really want to do this, there is a big difference with have to and want to.

I have just read a post from day@times thread, his words ring very true to me.

It must be hard having all this weight on your own shoulders,

Maybe it's time to release all this built up stress, there must be someone you can talk to, outside of here,

Just a thought Paul, and remember there is GA, and counselling,

This addiction won't go away sadly, but we can live along side with it, by doing everyone we can to stay in recovery.

Keep posting and keep venting, you are not on your own.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Suzanne, phew you are perceptive, yes I am a bit hesitant is wanting 'gamcare forum' to help me go forward and solve the issue. Is that because i am still emotionally raught after last weeks losses or i feel i will fail on here like i have many times before. I want to succeed this time and I have to succeed or as you said 'no pot to P**s in'. I have tried counselling and it helped but i still drifted back, right now i can't drift back, i have no on-line casino accounts (over the years closed about 30), on my way home self-excluded from the last potential bookies (about 15 self-exclusions now), and the casino excluded me yesterday for a year in the whole of its uk network. So it will be very tough to find a way back, when i left the bookies tonight, it was a sort of finality set it, felt quite frightening really. I have no one to expand on the gambling life, i tried my son twice, he was so disappointed the second time round, it was like he did not know his dad. My partner gave me an ultimatum 'gamble again' and I 'm gone from your life. it has not affected her as we are independent from a financial view, but i need her now, for the small times we are together are good. So no-one to turn too, have too do this on my own and with gamcare, going to be tough, but I made the choice to gamble and so i must suffer to put it right. Fish fingers for tea ? (see a bit of humour) i actually love ff's too,

Evening Paul,

Lol, fish fingers for tea:) we had sausage and onion gravy with baked beans and new potatoes, quite a concoction lol, but very tasty:) and cheap. HDs

Pleased to see you do have a smile there somewhere lol, as much as this addiction is horrible, we still need to smile, (and we do smile more the longer we are in recovery) why, because we are starving it and actually winning for once.

A friend on here once said to me take what you want from the forum and disregard what you don't want, I took his advice, but I do take every post I read on board, I either absorb the knowledge or blank it, mostly I absorb it, because it has been an essential tool for my recovery up to date.

Put you first now, be kind to yourself, and with taking one day at a time, you can do this, and smile, you are winning now 🙂

Suzanne xxx

hi, i dig sausage and mash too, i listen to all your words, you are a wise lady, thanks - gonna catch some tv now, been for my new power walk regime, i'll catch u tomorrow, thanks again

Morning diary, i guess i can't be alone in that when opening your eyes in the mornings and days and then further mornings after major gambling losses, utter depression waves over you when you re-alise what you have done and lost. I know i removed this awful feeling before my returning to gambling. This time that cannot happen, as all the barriers are in place, so how long before i feel happy and then complete again (will that be ever) ? Sad post, but that is the truth of how i feel today,

Morning Paul,

Just keep thinking I cannot gamble because I cannot stop, think if you actually won, you know it would all go back in, and more because of the chasing, and then think, how much you haves saved every morning because you have now chosen recovery, it will get easier, you will feel a hell of a lot better and you will feel happier, you have to give this a 100% chance, small steps, you

will get there.

Have a good gambling free day.

Suzanne xxx

Another day done at work, what shall i do now ? The old me would have headed off for the FOTB's on the way home. Now i cannot do that ................. but i am unfulfilled after work, lonely, depressed at what i have lost over 8 years, for me financial security is important, i have tossed that away. Feel stupid, down, alone, bored and scared of the future. This might sound depressing but it's where i am, i have tossed my future away, lots of self pity, sorry, but that is how i feel. ................ Plus point i can't gamble and lose more.

Morning Diary, how are you to-day Paul, would be the opening sentence of a counsellor, as this diary is now my counsellor, my answer is swaying mindset, between confidence in having no debt and owing no-one any money (which I know if you are on here is a pretty good place to be) and sheer blind panic in looking forward to retirement and having no funds in place to fund it. People will say i am in a good place with no debt, but i feel desperate due to the large volume's of funds i have lost. Self-pity again I guess so. Don't misunderstand me, my gambling life is over unless I am prepared to travel 20 miles to a FOTB machine, even I will not do this. It's the fear of lack of financial security that is messing with my head, before this issue was resolved by winning at gambling to fund weekly cash needs, now I need to take from 'hole in wall' to fund those everyday requirements. Its quite frightening to take one's spare bank accounts/spare funds and divide by monthly needs, to see how many weeks one could survive without a job. Not just sobering but frightening, I know a lot of people on here have nothing, you must all be scared of going forward. Gambling what a joke, what a waste, all mini-casinos in the bookies should be shut for our childrens future. Gambling is the new 'nicotine' of the western world. Take note Mr.Cameron please

Hey thanks Paul,

You are doing fine my friend, don't worry to much about the future, honestly taking one day at a time NOW, will make the future sort itself out.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Morning diary, how are you to-day Paul, there are some positive signs - I walked to work a fair distance - we had a little laugh at work bout nothing really and I joined in. So i haven't died completely. But ....................... don't get me wrong i'm not thinking or contemplating gambling .................. its the depression from the losses of the last few years that are playing on my mind .................. mind blowing amounts ....................... can't comprehend how i went from a really good saver for 32 years to blow that amount in eight years. For me it was about getting my money back (chasing my losses) - its not going to come back ever, that i know. I have now after 8 years of chasing have to accept that, and that is so tough to take. I earnt those funds from hard graft over 30 years, nobody has ever given me a bean, i have worked all my life since i was 16, and i have wasted all those savings. - THAT ARE THE THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD TO-DAY - ABSOLUTELY GUTTED.

Evening Paul,

Am really pleased to see you are slowly but surely changing your mindset, you know you will never when back what you have lost financially, but Paul, you can win your sanity back for nothing my friend, just by YES to recovery.

Enjoy your weekend and I guess you will have a much better weekend this weekend than you have had for a long time, you may not feel that tonight , but you will,

Suzanne xxx

Hey, Nice to meet you and hope it is going well. There is only one thing in your way. And that is you. The hard part is done. Admitting. So let it lie and the demons slide. This is our (Mine and your time!) Not the bookie's. They are just there to take your money Sir. And they will not hesitate. Whose side are we on?

It's like a drug, there's no question. But when you are clean and you will be! You will feel so so good. So carry on as you are. Keep the blocks in place (They are a must!) And do not refrain from posting here. This was my sanctum, my spirit and my get out. Lot's of wonderful people here will guide you through the good, the bad, and... yes. So head strong! Come on... Another great day tomorrow. Long road ahead and the benefits wont be seen straight away, but think 6 months from now (That is round the corner!)

JP.xx

Hi diary, thanks to 'i wished' and 'jungle pete' for their posts and support. I don't post at week-end's - i have a life where gambling is not discussed or mentioned, i suppose you could say my week-end was good very good, but at the back of my mind is the un-told damage i have done to my future financial well - being. While i am typing this a thought sprang into my mind - 'does gambling only become a very serious issue when you gamble more than you can afford to' ? Is anybody on this site who considers gambling a problem for them, .................... yet it hasn't ruined their current or future financial well-being. Example individual lost £K2 gambling but has £K50 stashed away in bank accounts with no housing mortgage or rent to meet?. Or to be here do you have to be in a desperate position?.

Hi Paul, thank you so much for dropping by 🙂

In answer to your question, I don't know but I was broken financially (even though I probably could have borrowed more money) & mentally when I came here! You bought yourself up from nothing & for some reason with whatever you had saved you still turned to gambling...Money did not make you happy when you had it! You may never be rich but you can still live a fulfilled life!

You keep fighting & I'll bring on year 2 - ODAAT