Day 1
Someone once said ''what's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do''.
If that's success, then over the past four years I have been a failure.
I'm 29, laden with £35,000.00 debt, no social life, no savings, and no control over my life.
Four years ago I saw someone place a bet for the first time (FOTB) and from that point on I was hooked. The next three years I pretty much bet every day (FOTB, football, casino), small sums, and give or take I broke even. The last year however it changed; I changed. The sums were larger, the losses greater, the excitement and fun dwindled.
I no longer recognise myself, or want to be this person.
My wife knew I had a small amount of debt a year ago, and I managed to give it all up for two months. My daughter now has no savings and hardly ever seem me - I'm too transfixed on my laptop, phone or in front of the TV.
All the things I used to enjoy - my health, staying in shape, saving up, buying nice clothes, going out with friends, spending time with my family, watching football - I now either don't do, or in the case of watching football, I still do (religiously - sometimes three games on the go at once) but do not watch it for the enjoyment - I'm completely zoned out.
I have gone from having plenty of savings and being very thrifty, to placing huge sums of money on bets, being maxed out of overdrafts and credit cards, defaulting on plently of high street and payday loans. I am now on a Debt Management Plan, and will be lucky to be out of debt in the next ten years.
Depite all that how ever, today I feel amusingly optimistic. I signed up to the GamCare website on Wednesday, and attended a councilling session (assessment last night). I am determined that I have placed my last bet, and I have a doctors appointment on Monday to discuss my mood, depression and suicidal thoughts.
I know I want to battle this. I know I want to be clean - I just don't know yet how to do it. I won't be debt free overnight, but if I stop losing money I can start paying it off. If I stop placing bets I'll have more time to spend with my family. If I'm not sat on the couch watching football I will be going out, playing football, exercising.
This one moment right here, right now (without wishing to be sensationalising my life!) could be the beginning of everything.
The itch is unbearable, even this early on. However, my wife is desperate to take my daughter on her first holiday abroad next year. So that is the immediate target, the goal to look towards. I've already made excuses why we couldn't go this year or the year previous. I can't afford to have the same excuses next year.
I have to succeed.
Welcome to your new life Elwood,
These first few days are so difficult as you try & figure out what to do with your time...Come on here instead of the gambling sites & read, read, read! Take the advice that the professionals give you & take strength from people on here already walking the path you have now chosen for yourself!
You can do this - ODAAT
Hi Elwood,
Firstly well done for doing something about your problem, it's the first big step.
How much does your wife know about your addiction and situation?
The debt is something we are all used to, just in varying levels but it feels great when you start chipping away at it!
good luck and keep posting!
Both - thank you for your comments.
Fighter_1. The week before our wedding in July (the only positive from this year) I told her I have debts of roughly £20,000.00 The increase, (as dramatic as it is) wasn't me lying, I just struggled to work the total out correctly. It was probably at around £30,000.00 truth be told when I told her so I have added an extra £5,000.00 since July.
She knows I am on a management plan, but the hardest bit is I gave up gambling last year for two months and she doesn't realise I started up again.
My debts are not soley down to gambling, but I think I'm splitting hairs on that one. I do plan to tell her that I started gambling again, but I want to have actually done something about it (stop, doctors, councilling, reducing debt).
Hi Elwood I think it was Bob Dylan who said that quote at the top of your post and it's very true!
Recovery is a gift, as things stand you are free, free from being a slave to the machine, if you embrace recovery everything will change for the better. The debt, the low moods are all as a consequence of gambling which i'm sure you know so remember that when the urges come so that you can fight forward!
Put as many barriers in place to not gambling, read more, work more, go for a run, anything to take your mind off it? hand over finances, share your problem with people (i know that's hard) self exclude, focus on the holiday for your daughter and i'm sure in time you can overcome this.
Don't worry about the past or the debt that's gone (I know easier said than done) but if you don't gamble its only going to decrease and by letting go you can begin to move forward.
Your health, staying in shape, good diet, treats will all come in good time as your mood increases with not gambling. Take it one day at a time as that's the only day we can control and the only day that matters.
It won't be easy but if we put as much effort into recovery and life as we did gambling then it's amazing what can be achieved. Wish you all the best! sorry for rambling on lol
I was in a very similar situation and still am really, where I wanted to prove I was doing something positive.
In the end the guilt and worrying was a counter productive and I ended up going back to gambling. Sooner you tell her the full extent the better but completely understand where you are coming from.
Day two.
A hard day. The urges itch, badly. I've found my phone in my hand for no reason on numerous occasions. I imagine this is just force of habit - reach, bet, lose, repeat. However, so far, I've managed to stop at step one.
I've had my mum and her husband up this weekend, which is rare but has proven to be a good distraction. Tougher challenges are ahead - when I'm all alone, nothing else to do.
The pleasant suprise of the day has been how focused I've been. Spending time with the family has been both intense and great - they've had my full attention, I've not felt anxious or distracted.
A clear issue however was when the wife tested my buttons, and I felt angry and annoyed. I instantly wanted to bet. We were out and I almost walked straight into a bookies. Good news - I didn't succumb, bad news - being P*ssed off is a trigger.
however, two days clean. Onwards and upwards
Day 3
There is little to be said about today.
Its become clear to me that this struggle is bigger than what I first thought. I spent time looking in the mirror with a noose around my neck. I ended up just falling asleep with it.
Still, third day, no bet.
NO! That is not the way to fix this 🙁
Do NOT let these gambling Demons take another parent from a child. Get rid of the rope - Please!
It's a terrible situation that you are in but you got yourself there & you can get yourself out of it! The urges will subside! Speak to your family, I can guarantee they would rather want you with faults than not have you @ all.
Please Elwood, come here, phone Gamcare, go to your GP...Whatever it takes because you can do it - ODAAT
Elwood
Please do what Odaat has said, whatever it takes.
Stay safe for you and your family
Suzanne xx
Hi elwood! echo the advice above...there is always hope and these feelings will get better and more manageable the longer you abstain from the gambling!
In the meantime take advantage of the netline, the forum, the chatroom and talk things through with someone!
Also the samaritans are a very helpful place to call if you continue to feel low...
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
