Today is Day one.
I've gambled for 12 years since my gran died. I don't remember my life before slot machines. What was I like? What were my interests? What the hell did I do with my money?
Gambling was my escape and at times, an enjoyable escape. I'd get excited about playing online and I cherished that rush; wondering if I would win or lose. It's a bubble I never wanted to leave. My life seemed dull in comparison and I didn't want to face myself. I still don't want to face myself but I need to do this. I'm exhausted. Gambling has resulted in financial loss but the toll it's taken on me...I don't want that anymore.
Yesterday in the early hours of the morning I made my final online deposit. It was more than I could afford but I didn't care. "You'll get by if you don't win...but imagine if you do!" And I did win. The most I've ever won. I stared at the numbers on the screen and contemplated withdrawing, till I decided playing the odds and then withdrawing. I lost everything. And when I did, that sick feeling appeared in the pit of my stomacj. Those weren't just numbers. That was my money.
And even when I did withdraw, did it make a difference? Nope. The money went back on gambling, on the excitement of chasing the next win which could appear at any moment. I get greedy when I gamble, I'm like a totally different person.
How did I get here? I studied hard for my degrees, I had drive and ambition. Now I feel lazy and greedy. I'm so greedy when I gamble. I guess I take that from my dad. He mentally and physically abused me up until I was 13. He cared about money, he loved money and keeping up with the Jones' although he never gambled. I feel like I love money too, I chase money and no amount is ever enough. What the hell am I doing?
I don't feel like I'm enough. I never have. I go to the gym, I train hard and to the outside world I appear pretty chilled and on top of things. But I'm sad. I lack confidence, lack the ability to believe people could ever like me for who I am. And yet, I have a great boyfriend who likes me for me.
I installed Gamstop yesterday. I can't believe I did it. Part of me is relieved, part of me is sad and part of me is anxious. I've taken away my bubble and at times I loved that bubble. Nothing got me as excited as gambling did and even sitting here just now, I miss that feeling.
I got up and got so much done this morning, more than I would have had I been online gambling. I have a phone appointment at 12 to start telephone sessions to help me and I'm nervous. How did I end up here?
I would spend money I needed for food gambling, money for my bills. Thankfully this year I took ahold of my finances and have payment plans in place. But even though now I pay my bills and buy food before I gambled, I spent all of my excess money gambling. Why don't I care more about myself? Why do I place no value on money? Why don't I grow up and realise I have to take responsibility and it's no-one's job to bail me out? I'm in my thirties!
I'm not sure if anyone will read this, but I could do with some support. I feel very alone. I know this won't be easy and I'm not sure what to expect but I'll keep this diary, if for nothing else than a place to dump all my thoughts.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it already.
Welcome to the GamCare Forum and for sharing your post.
I am sorry to hear that you have gone through a tough time , you are never alone . There is plenty of support available to you and you have made a really positive step today by posting your story. Things will and do get better each day gambling free.
Please feel free to contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Netline to explore the additional support available to you. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if you would like to talk to one of the GamCare HelpLine advisers.
Take care and keep posting
Kirk
Forum Admin
Hi cookiedough84
I wish you the best of luck on your journey of recovery. Please don't feel alone. It is a forum such as this that illustrates just how not alone you really are. Many people are suffering and attempting recovery from decades of gambling addiction. And it is an addiction. Most of us understand there is no logical reason to gamble as most of us lose in the long run, especially those of us that can't cope with a loss and constantly chase those losses making matters even worse.
You're not even alone in terms of the abuse you suffered as a child as I am in that club and I know of several other Gamcare members also in that boat. For me, I'm not sure if my childhood experiences have had any influence on my gambling patterns but it's possible.
For now I would recommend using the time you would be gambling on constructive other pursuits be it reading, walking, the gym, cooking...whatever it is it will assist in avoiding those urges that will try to trip you up.
It can be done but it's an addiction we are trying to fix so it isn't easy. I'm up to 80 odd days now and it's so nice to be able to sleep at night once more and not constantly be under stress. Good luck, I'm sure you'll get there!
Couldn’t help but read your post and sympathise with everything that you say. Well done on installing Gamstop. I had installed it at the start of lockdown for the year .. and then a few months later I moved it to 5 years after a relapse in a bookies. Every time I mess up I always have to make another change to put something else in place to help me. I’ve recently posted to the forum about another blip recently. Now I’ve completely surrendered to it and the only change I have to offer now is hanging over my finances to mum who will from now on drip me what I need for my bills and stuff. GamCare is a very helpful place for people like us and you are not alone.
C
Thanks Cal and Mythdunk for your kind words. I've been reading threads in the forum (I read yours earlier Cal, I hope you are doing OK) and I'm beginning to realise I'm not alone. It just feels very lonely.
My telephone assessment went better than I expected it to. I was really nervous and scared I would be judged but the woman I spoke to was really understanding. It was hard, and it's the first time I've been brutally honest about a lot of things. I'll be getting someone to have Zoom sessions with and further help if I need it (starting to realise there's grief and a lot of things I haven't dealt with).
I went and got some shopping in. Walked past a few arcades and imagined how it would feel to escape, maybe win. I didn't give in. I kept on walking. I'm not sure if that's a success, I don't really class it as one. My gambling was mainly online and in a couple of arcades I used to frequent I haven't visited since the start of the year. I don't know, I guess today has felt a little boring, like something is missing. It's strange.
Part of the problem is nothing gave me the excitement or rush gambling did. I had my favourite slots and I genuinely got excited about playing. Even when I think about things I could do - read a book, do some baking or whatever - nothing seems appealing. I want that feeling again and it feels like nothing has the potential to compare, to give me the level of excitement I crave. I miss my bubble, I'd be lying if I said I didn't. If it hadn't been for Gamstop, I'm pretty sure I would have ended up giving in today. That's really sad, isn't it? Why do I have no self control?
Thanks Cal and Mythdunk for your kind words. I've been reading threads in the forum (I read yours earlier Cal, I hope you are doing OK) and I'm beginning to realise I'm not alone. It just feels very lonely.
My telephone assessment went better than I expected it to. I was really nervous and scared I would be judged but the woman I spoke to was really understanding. It was hard, and it's the first time I've been brutally honest about a lot of things. I'll be getting someone to have Zoom sessions with and further help if I need it (starting to realise there's grief and a lot of things I haven't dealt with).
I went and got some shopping in. Walked past a few arcades and imagined how it would feel to escape, maybe win. I didn't give in. I kept on walking. I'm not sure if that's a success, I don't really class it as one. My gambling was mainly online and in a couple of arcades I used to frequent I haven't visited since the start of the year. I don't know, I guess today has felt a little boring, like something is missing. It's strange.
Part of the problem is nothing gave me the excitement or rush gambling did. I had my favourite slots and I genuinely got excited about playing. Even when I think about things I could do - read a book, do some baking or whatever - nothing seems appealing. I want that feeling again and it feels like nothing has the potential to compare, to give me the level of excitement I crave. I miss my bubble, I'd be lying if I said I didn't. If it hadn't been for Gamstop, I'm pretty sure I would have ended up giving in today. That's really sad, isn't it? Why do I have no self control?
Hey cookie, I can relate to how you feel so much. I’m the exact same, online slots was “fun and exciting” for me, despite it usually being mindlessly tapping the spin button over and over. It was a bubble. I used to enjoy coming home from doing things to get cosy on the sofa and play for hours... I understand how nothing at all compares to that.
I’m only 7 days gamble free but I can’t believe it’s been a week already. There’s been a few times i’ve craved it and wanted to give in, and probably would have if it weren’t for GamStop.
I come on here whenever I get an urge or think about gambling at all, and focus on my finances and how worth it it will be to see a healthy bank balance and have some control over my life.
We can do it! Good luck x
Thanks Cal and Mythdunk for your kind words. I've been reading threads in the forum (I read yours earlier Cal, I hope you are doing OK) and I'm beginning to realise I'm not alone. It just feels very lonely.
My telephone assessment went better than I expected it to. I was really nervous and scared I would be judged but the woman I spoke to was really understanding. It was hard, and it's the first time I've been brutally honest about a lot of things. I'll be getting someone to have Zoom sessions with and further help if I need it (starting to realise there's grief and a lot of things I haven't dealt with).
I went and got some shopping in. Walked past a few arcades and imagined how it would feel to escape, maybe win. I didn't give in. I kept on walking. I'm not sure if that's a success, I don't really class it as one. My gambling was mainly online and in a couple of arcades I used to frequent I haven't visited since the start of the year. I don't know, I guess today has felt a little boring, like something is missing. It's strange.
Part of the problem is nothing gave me the excitement or rush gambling did. I had my favourite slots and I genuinely got excited about playing. Even when I think about things I could do - read a book, do some baking or whatever - nothing seems appealing. I want that feeling again and it feels like nothing has the potential to compare, to give me the level of excitement I crave. I miss my bubble, I'd be lying if I said I didn't. If it hadn't been for Gamstop, I'm pretty sure I would have ended up giving in today. That's really sad, isn't it? Why do I have no self control?
Hey cookie, I can relate to how you feel so much. I’m the exact same, online slots was “fun and exciting” for me, despite it usually being mindlessly tapping the spin button over and over. It was a bubble. I used to enjoy coming home from doing things to get cosy on the sofa and play for hours... I understand how nothing at all compares to that.
I’m only 7 days gamble free but I can’t believe it’s been a week already. There’s been a few times i’ve craved it and wanted to give in, and probably would have if it weren’t for GamStop.
I come on here whenever I get an urge or think about gambling at all, and focus on my finances and how worth it it will be to see a healthy bank balance and have some control over my life.
We can do it! Good luck x
Thanks D and well done on 7 days gamble free. I can completely relate to everything you've said and the thought of getting to day 7 seems so far away just now. Today has felt long. When I gambled online (like you I was just tapping a button over and over for hours on end) I had no concept of time, or anything else for that matter. But I'm sitting with £100.00 in my savings account and £90.00 in my purse. If it hasn't been for Gamstop I would have used that money. I know I would have.
It will be nice to see our bank balances look healthier! I'm a bit scared of payday coming up to be honest. I've thought about transferring money I want to use to gamble to my savings to see how much I can actually save when I don't gamble, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea?
Thanks for reaching out. This forum has helped me so much already. Take Care x
If you can afford to move the money into a savings, try it! or even if you just move it into a different account that you can access if you need to. It might be a good reality check of how much money lost too. I’m yet to look into how much i’ve lost over the years, i don’t think i want to know!
I’m the same about payday - most of my gambling was done within those few days. The rest of the month i didn’t have the money to gamble most of the time! With GamStop in place i don’t know where i’d start even if I wanted to, i only ever gambled online and know I would never go out to bookies or arcades so i’m feeling pretty safe in that regard.
Keep us updated, i’d be interested in following a recovery diary if you start one
d x
If you can afford to move the money into a savings, try it! or even if you just move it into a different account that you can access if you need to. It might be a good reality check of how much money lost too. I’m yet to look into how much i’ve lost over the years, i don’t think i want to know!
I’m the same about payday - most of my gambling was done within those few days. The rest of the month i didn’t have the money to gamble most of the time! With GamStop in place i don’t know where i’d start even if I wanted to, i only ever gambled online and know I would never go out to bookies or arcades so i’m feeling pretty safe in that regard.
Keep us updated, i’d be interested in following a recovery diary if you start one
d x
Thanks D. You're doing so well and I'm glad you're feeling okay. Yep this is gonna be my diary, I hope it helps me x
Nice to meet you in chat This evening ,
hope to see you soon be nice to walk this journey with you ?
Nice to meet you in chat This evening ,
hope to see you soon be nice to walk this journey with you ?
Thanks Vinnie. Nice to meet you in chat too and thank you, I appreciate the support. Happy to walk this journey with you all. I'm really starting to feel less alone. I know it's gonna be hard.
Good luck with the move. I've got a gym session tomorrow so that'll keep me occupied. I realised post chat that in the gym I blank everything out and focus so it is possible...
I will be after you for some advice ??, I’ll be chewing your ear off about gym now ??♀️ .
you’ve got a focus now with a comp and getting your head straight why training hard, to place I can’t wait to hear all about it ?
I noted your comments about how trying to use your time more constructively by reading or baking isn't really doing it for you at the moment, certainly in comparison to gambling. That's again perfectly normal. It's important to be aware of what is going on in the brain. While we are all getting excessive hits of the feel good/reward chemical dopamine in our brains from gambling, if the addiction becomes too strong then we find we don't receive 'normal' levels of dopamine to reward us for the other things in life we seek pleasure from.
Using me as an example, I noted that things I should take great pleasure from such as seeing my grandchild or having a nice weekend break somewhere did not create as much joy or excitement is it should have. I now know this was because my brain had been trained only to create excessive dopamine for gambling. I got no reward chemicals or very little for other pleasurable activities. The normal other activities were just dull and not as colorfully vivid as they should have been. This is also why for alcoholics or drug users that their whole lives become about the drug its associated hits with nothing or no one else mattering.
I often see on the forum people desperately and genuinely asking why they keep doing this to themselves. The technical answer is as above. Their dopamine hits naturally created by our brains are solely concentrating on rewarding us for the gambling behavior. So to be blunt, for a while yet, you will feel down about not gambling and you will try other activities that seem very bland in comparison. But as long as you understand there is a logical biological explanation for this and stick with it, actually the longer the gap between your gambling and now, the more you start to enjoy the other stuff and start to notice that you think about gambling less and less.
I noted your comments about how trying to use your time more constructively by reading or baking isn't really doing it for you at the moment, certainly in comparison to gambling. That's again perfectly normal. It's important to be aware of what is going on in the brain. While we are all getting excessive hits of the feel good/reward chemical dopamine in our brains from gambling, if the addiction becomes too strong then we find we don't receive 'normal' levels of dopamine to reward us for the other things in life we seek pleasure from.
Using me as an example, I noted that things I should take great pleasure from such as seeing my grandchild or having a nice weekend break somewhere did not create as much joy or excitement is it should have. I now know this was because my brain had been trained only to create excessive dopamine for gambling. I got no reward chemicals or very little for other pleasurable activities. The normal other activities were just dull and not as colorfully vivid as they should have been. This is also why for alcoholics or drug users that their whole lives become about the drug its associated hits with nothing or no one else mattering.
I often see on the forum people desperately and genuinely asking why they keep doing this to themselves. The technical answer is as above. Their dopamine hits naturally created by our brains are solely concentrating on rewarding us for the gambling behavior. So to be blunt, for a while yet, you will feel down about not gambling and you will try other activities that seem very bland in comparison. But as long as you understand there is a logical biological explanation for this and stick with it, actually the longer the gap between your gambling and now, the more you start to enjoy the other stuff and start to notice that you think about gambling less and less.
Thanks Mythdunk. How are you? Hope you're doing OK.
That actually makes a lot of sense. I've been driving myself crazy because there are things in life I'm passionate about and do enjoy - my powerlifting for one - and I was starting to wonder why I've never found they gave me the desired effect gambling did. I was awake most of last night wondering if I had any genuine interests and it left me feeling a bit disheartened. But what you've said makes a lot of sense and it's not that I don't enjoy, love or care about my powerlifting, but I'm not currently able to react in this way because I've been gambling so much and gotten my kick from that. 12 years is a long time. I guess I'm just really hard on myself and that's something I struggle with. Thank you for sharing hat because it genuinely has really helped me. I appreciate it.
Today is day two.
I've been awake since 6.30am. I had a bit of a restless night. Although I got through day one it wasn't easy and gambling crossed my mind more than once. It does feel like a loss, but not the sick pit in you stomach type of loss you feel when you lose all your money. The day seemed pretty bland in comparison to gambling days, I didn't get that excited feeling I crave over anything. I started to wonder if I'll ever feel that feeling again...
I joined the chat last night, some really decent people and I like interacting on the forum too. I worry I might post here in my diary too much, but I guess that doesn't matter if stops me gambling and provides a positive distraction. I feel safe here, like people get it.
This morning I sat with my budget planner (yes I have a budget planner, the irony!) and paid my bills today, ticked them off and organised what I have left until payday. I write all my expenses in my planner, minus my gambling expenses. I often wonder if I had written them down, if I would have sorted myself out sooner. Probably not. I didn't want to see them in black and white. I didn't want to admit to how much I'd spent even though I knew. Over the years I've questioned the price of pretty much everything, but I never cared about how much I gambled. I wouldn't spend £20.00 on a pair of shoes but I'd then go and blow £100.00 or more on slots. It doesn't make sense.
Gamstop is great. Okay, I admit I don't entirely agree with that because there's a little unhappy devil on my shoulder who wants to gamble and can't. Today I'm going to the gym this afternoon and I realised I do blank everything out when I'm there. But I've gotten to the end of so many powerlifting sessions (I train four times a week) and out of nowhere gambling has just popped into my head. I've gotten excited. I've used gambling as a reward for good sessions, and for bad. I've looked for excuses to gamble. I remember at times I've gotten angry inside if friends cancelled plans or something happened which gave me the opportunity to gamble. Of course this only applied if I lost. But it's not their fault, it's mine. I have to start taking responsibility for my own actions and choices. No-one forced me to hit spin after spin after spin, I just didn't want to stop until now.
Looking over this year with regards to my budget, I paid all my bills and had food on the table before I gambled. But I also paid my gym membership, my coach for my training plan before I gambled. Everything excess pretty much went on gambling. I'd cancel plans with friends, I'd make excuses, I'd lie. I wanted the best of both worlds and I can't have that. I guess the one thing I took from reflecting on my budget was I put my powerlifting first. I cared enough about that to put it before gambling and I guess that's not a bad thing. It's not going to be easy, but I really want to get to that point with everything.
When I think back to the time I was gamble free, I don't understand. How did gambling never enter my head? How did I cope? How did I survive? Was I happier?
I hope everyone has a good day. I'm just looking to get through the next hour and take it from there. Thanks for the support!
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