Hi All
I though I would start a diary on here, maybe to help me track what I do or to put how am feeling down with regards to my gambling. Not a 100% sure which to be honest but though I need to do something, I have lost who I actually am over the years to this illness. I have been gambling since a young age as many of us have on here, 18 when I started and now I am 34. Over the years I have destroyed numerous relationships with friends, family and partners. It all started for me when I went to a casino with a friend and we played roulette, I won as most do the first time! I was back for more over the months and thought I could solve all my problems and my families at the time by hitting the big win to look after us all. Anyway the story went pretty much like most, I started to lose and lose and lose, each time trying to recoup losses over the years, borrowing off people, losing a months wages in a few hours, taking out loans (from credit cards, bank loans, payday loans to what ever I could get my hands on) to always try and recoup my previous loss And pay people back and have some spare money. Writing this now is making me think how stupid I sound and why could I just not stop and see the sense that each day I gambled I got further and further in the hole. I sold numerous things over the years to gamble, manipulated people for money (it makes me sick thinking about some of the things I have actually done). I have taken off my family borrowed of peter to pay Paul, you name it I have more then likely to it. It’s quite a sickening feeling. Anyway their was a period were I got thing under control for a few years, I felt great through this time and had money in my pockets, I built bridges with people and it was really good.
I did and have slipped back to my old ways< horse, footballs coupons, ect, I have been with my current partner for 4 years, and it was after a few years of being with her I went back to my old ways, the last 2 years have been bad, racked up thousands of debut spend are house deposit money, We both earn good money and we should be comfterble, instead every month we are scrapping about because of me. She found about earlier this year and I come clean but not fully to the extent how deep I was in and how much I had racked up, she helped out as people have done for me over the years and I let her down again recently. I come fully clean at this point and I do appreciate all she has done for me. I hate the way I find it easy to manipulate people for money. Gambling completely changed the nice person I was from a child to me teens and hurting my loved ones makes me thing they would be better off without me, I am no longer that person I was in my early days, I either need to get a grip and get back on track otherwise it will chew me up and spit me out and I don’t see the point if it is to carry on. I should have money in my pocket each month and we should have saving we both earn good money, I would love to see saving or even 100 quid in my account for a change the day after payday instead of it all gone at the bookies…I don’t even live a normal life with friends at the min as I prefer to waist my money gambling instead of catching the lads for a few drinks or taking my partner for a nice meal or my family, it would be much cheaper also. I have rabbited on her. But my aim is to stay clean. My partner has been strong this week and has not allowed me any money therefore I have not gambled, I have exhausted all avenues of lending money at the minute so I have not been able to get any to gamble. I do feel better, although it would be nice to no I could have money in my pocket! I have a counseling session booked this week, I hope I can get my life back on track and keep this illness at bay- surely then I will know whom I Am!
Hi C Anthony - congratualtions on starting your diary. I noticed that you'd posted twice, but the first post had no content in it, so I deleted it to save any confusion for other users when responding.
Warm regards
GamCare Forum Admin.
Another day in ! Some thoughts I had are why is it I can remember my big wins but I can never remember now big losses! I am guessing it probably because their is so many losses due comapered to the wins! I am sick of the way gambeling is shoved in our faces ! From advertisments on every sports games to bookies on every corner almost its not on!
i need to stay strong an in my head!
Hi and welcome.
Your story rings a lot of bells with me. How did this happen? How did I become someone that could lie and manipulate so easy? How could I be so stupid?
I've asked myself those questions over and over and I still don't know the answers. I'm on day 32 so still very early days, but for the first time ever since I started gambling I really feel confident about stopping for good.
So what has changed this time round to make me feel so confident? I think the first thing is I really really do want to stop this time. I don't want to be able to deposit responsibly anymore, I don't want to just get things back under control so that I can carry on a few months down the line. I want to stop now forever.
I've also accepted the money is gone. Do I wish it wasn't? Of course. But a quick fix from a lucky spin (which was probably never going to happen anyway) isn't the way to get it back anymore. Unfortunately the only way it's coming back is by going out to work everyday and earning it.
I've also stopped asking myself the how's, the why's. Slots were my downfall and they are designed to hook people. They are designed so that people come back to them time and time again. It happened to me because well, why shouldn't it? Gambling doesn't discriminate, rich, poor, academic, unemployed, upper class, working class, it makes no difference, once you're hooked you're hooked and that's it, there's no getting back over that line that was crossed.
As I say, I'm only 32 days in but already my life has improved dramatically. Having money again being the obvious one. But it's so much more too. I'm not sneaking around anymore (my other half is in the dark about it) I don't constantly feel sick or guilty or ashamed anymore. I'm sleeping properly for the first time in what seems like forever. I'm finding the time to do all the things that have been neglected for so long. I don't feel like the world is closing in around me anymore. Most importantly I'm starting to feel happy again. I can honestly say the only regret I have about making the decision to quit gambling forever is that I didn't make the decision earlier.
I wish you well on your journey. My advice to you is to keep posting. Take the time whenever you want to gamble to read other diaries. Each story different, all beginning the same, we are compulsive gamblers. There's a wealth of support here and without doubt this site has changed my life for the better.
Take care
Jess
Thanks for you post Jess, it really makes sense. As you say it does no discriminate an can happen to anyone.Well done by the way for going 32 days without gambeling. As you say i aim to nuckle down and put the past losses in the past and now only way to have trun money is an honest days wage!
So agree with Jess's comments. Am only on day 9, but before starting this diary was desperate to know how to stop at all.
Agree with you, C. Anthony, re gambling ads. It annoys me that they are able to so blatantly advertise on TV. I get constant e-mails too.
I wish you every success in your journey.
Mimicath
Thanks mimicath
I feel positive today! Busy day in work , followed by a few hours at the gym and then a visit to family. Found it a pretty easy day , I dont think every day will be like this but again good to know that today is another day I beat this disease. Really productive day for me an feeling good in myself for a change .
Had realky huge urges today! I had 45quud in my pocket and was so tempted to stop on the way home from work to do a footy bet I battled with it and made sure I put my foot down drivin straight past betting shops till I got the gym . I stopped after the gym to fill my car up doing the right thing instead of trying to win my petrol money so I would have more money to use for other things cause the reality is I would of lost it and had no petrol on top of losing. ANOTHER DAY BET FREE, phew !, good luck tonothers in the battle against this disease
Good on you for resisting the demon urges C Anthony...May today be the hardest challenge you have to face because you know now for certain that you can beat it.
This is a slip, admittedly a long & hard one but you did it before so you know you can do it again! It may have been hard, but today, you had money in your pocket again 🙂
I too echo Jess's words & the most significant thing for me was so very simple, I actually felt the warmth of the sun on my face one day. Now I know we haven't had many days in the past 3 decades but I'm pretty sure, that this has been happening to normal people throughout.
Stay strong, keep fighting the urges, keep clocking up the days - ODAAT
Thanks ODAAT . Been to counciling tonight, I found it more useful then what I expected. We set some goals which I am keen to stick to. Another day bet free . THE BIG TEST WILL be PAY DAY BUT AM READY FOR IT!
Love it...Bring it on 🙂
So glad the counselling was positive & you're listening to the experts! With their help & the support of everyone here, this next pay day should be a wonderful day where you will realise you are strong enough to beat this addiction once & for all - ODAAT
Thats my plan an I hope I can stick to it. I guess because of the gambeling I have no respect for money or the vale of items but since I have not been gambeling its opening my eyes. Why shoulld I give these places my hard earned money
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