What defines us is how well we rise after falling

I am already struggling today.

Some people get the 12 week residential treatment but I won't get that due to work and home commitments.

I am feeling quite strained as I know I need to cut out the world for longer then a few minutes a day or an hour or so a week at GA.

It's not a concern of a gambling relapse. Mentally I need this breathing space.  A great example was leaving the house before 6am yesterday morning, home at gone 6.30 at night, can't hide away and have a sleep and don't feel as though I even have an option.

I need to be provided me TIME and put myself first. 

I'm not happy ATM. Some days are better than others but it's suffocating.

Home life, although my partner will read this can be suffocating. 

I don't feel I have a say in many matters and I need to like it or lump it generally.

I feel trapped and something has to change.

I started my journey about the same time as you.  And going through your diary I see a lot of similarities!

I too would win a large amount of money and then end up giving it all back plus a large amount on top only to go on and increase my debt.  When you get to that point of losing all the money and then putting more in - this was when I was at my lowest and all sorts of negative ideas and thoughts would enter my head.

I’m finding when I have urges I try to visualize myself at those moments in time, how bad I felt, googling suicide methods which would be easiest only to come to a realization that would be a terrible thing to do to my family (who at that point had no idea about my gambling).

But this visualization quickly wakes me up and I think - do I really want to go back to feeling like that no matter if I win or lose, I’ll eventually gamble it all away again.  

The other similarity I have with you is with my wife.  She is seeing it as all black and white, feels we’ve set our life plans back 5 years until my loan is paid off.  She’s incredibly angry that we will have to make sacrifices as I’m paying out money every month on a loan that is for nothing in her eyes.  She wants that money to go towards a larger mortgage to help us move to a larger home for our growing family.  She brings up everything she is paying out for, and the fact she’s just changed jobs to add to our joint income to afford a better life.  It’s during these times I feel at my worst and the temptation to go back to gambling is at its highest, I’ve not succumbed so far.

By and large she’s great, but if we end up in a money discussion it quickly comes back to my massive mistake in becoming a gambling addict.

Let’s stay strong, and keep going, life is long (despite what people say) and we’ve got the time to make ourselves and our lives better

@lukeyboy122 - I appreciate the reply, thankyou.

It is hard. Never once have I not realised the damage gambling could do. The financial impact is one thing, but the effects on mental health is so great, that you feel incredibly trapped and it's a cycle that hadn't ended for me for over 14 years.

I have been accountable, made immense sacrifices - living in a single room paying more on rent for that tiny space than some pay on a mortgage monthly.

I have reached 46 days gambling free now. That wasn't easy and each day I see as a great achievement.

I love my partner, but I can't help but feel both of our personal issues are not helping each other. 

I am doing everything in my power to make amends and work on this illness - ask a drug addict to stop after a massive relapse and not touch the drug for 46 days. Almost an unattainable goal. That's what this has felt like for me.

I feel I am having to fight this without the empathy to go with it. I have little headspace, so I have tried to make my own and put myself first because I need to. It's imperative I do this in these early stages. I have to be 'selfish' as people may put it. Funny that, putting myself first is not fair, yet others can put themselves first almost all of the time and that is ok.

I find myself working long hours and I don't know if it is that I am being made to feel guilty, or I have such low self esteem that I feel guilty whenever I put myself first, I am just not happy ATM and not sure what to do.

I know that a lot of triggers come from uneducated and non-empathetic comments. An argument would start and I would be reminded how my gambling has caused a lot of issues. At least I am working on this problem.

I was gambling for many years before meeting my partner. I was already struggling so deeply with this illness that I had hit a road block and hadn't entered into a relationship for around 7 years before meeting my current partner around 2 years ago.

 I don't need to be told how damaging it is. 

But when I haven't gambled for 46 days, maybe I am thinking rational. Maybe I am in a good place. Maybe I am not the problem..

I am not sure where the above has come from really, it was in my mind and I think it's important to note down. I do love my partner, but I know things aren't sustainable, it shouldn't be like this.

All in all I am doing what I need to do. My last bet was in July, it's now September. That sounds pretty good to me and whenever I do get those feelings - (typically anxiety, a sense of loss etc) I just take a step back and do something productive instead, like writing in this journal.

47 Days gamble free today.

I woke up a  little lighter this morning although I do have that 'long road ahead' feeling inside.

Isn't it strange that I have paid all of my bills, completed all of my responsibilities, managed to not gamble, attended all of the support groups without fail and have a little money in my bank left over since I was paid a few weeks ago, yet I still feel  disappointed.

There is definitely a void left behind and on some days I am so busy it's easier to forget the void is there, but on other days I have an itch that needs to be scratched and I don't always know how best to do it.

Having a puppy has helped me massively with the stopping of the gambling. I have on many an occasion these past 7 weeks taken him for a walk or played some games. Even waking up early and the puppy's head be resting against me makes me feel as if I am loved and needed. 

Maybe that's what I needed. I know loneliness can bring the thoughts that lead to triggers that lead to the action of a gambling transaction.

Also being honest with my partner. Fortunately I haven't had to lie the past 47 days. I have done what I said I would do and have given everything I have to battle this illness.

Dont get me wrong, my partner brings me immense joy as well and the house is filled with love. I love nothing more than holding her in my arms. I know I don't do this enough at times, I also feel the same the other way.

We just have up days and down days. We both could do with more consistency.

I know something is different this time with how I deal with gambling urges as I always take into consideration how I am feeling, why I feel that way, what can I do that would be productive to manage that feeling in that moment.

All things I wouldn't have done previously. It's helped me greatly doing this.

By the time I have gone through this, I find myself in the kitchen making a tea or stroking the puppy. It helps me in that moment when previously it would have been a bet being placed.

Have a nice weekend all.

Day 49 completed. The big 50 tomorrow.

50 days gamble free today

Hi JP1988,

Well done!  This is a great achievement - Keep going

Best wishes,

Ryan

Forum Admin

Check in - 57 days gamble free

I have reached 60 days gamble free now. Officially 2 months come end of day tomorrow.

I am 63 days gamble free today. This would have been a dream a couple of months ago but to be honest I feel really quite down today.

I feel completely overwhelmed and just want to hide away.

I feel the same way I would had I relapsed. It's scary thinking about that. I feel the same way I would that would trigger me to relapse.

Most days are better than they were when gambling but I am just dissatisfied and feel quite trapped in life.

Il read back at this tomorrow likely feeling differently, but for now this is how I feel.

I am 70 days gamble free now. When a day was so difficult, reaching 10 weeks is a major milestone.

75 days gamble free today. Still keeping as focused and driven as day 1.

The title of this thread is exactly right.  There is a Chinese saying along the lines of "Fall down 8 times get up 9."

Naturally, with this painful and damaging addiction we don't want to keep falling over but we have to keep getting up again and improving our response each time.

I have, after much soul-searching and effort, found a way that works for me.

1. Use Gamstop to stop all online gambling - I selected the "5 year' self-exclusion option.

2. My debit card (incidentally, the only card I have and the only means I can get cash) only allows me to draw out a max of £10 of cash a day. All mainstream banks will set up this option. Also, to ensure I don't sneakily change the limit (possible in a moment of weakness), I've requested that a note be put on file that I cannot change this limit unless I make a submission in writing.  (Which I'm never likely to do.)

Therefore, given Gamstop rejects all gambling transactions (inc. bookies etc) I have covered, I believe, all bases.  I can still buy stuff with my debit card for all non-gambling purchases.

This has, and I always say this tentatively, worked for me so far.

Tentatively because I'm always on the look-out for further blockers, realising that, for me anyway, restricting ready money is the only way I can stop gambling.

I hope this helps others.

89 days gambling free reached today. It's my anniversary and it's nice not to be anxious leading up to what should be a nice day/evening.

I am feeling clear in my mind and feel so in control. But still very cautious.

All the best everyone

Really enjoying this thread, and hope you achieve whatever your goals are.

You’ve done so much already, and I hope you’ve smashed through the 100 day mark. I’m just finishing Day 6, I dream of following in your footsteps.