Hi, I am the mum of a son who has been gambling on online betting websites for the last two years and has racked up a considerable amount of debt. This is the third time he has done this now and has come to us again for help as he is in a massive hole that he can't get out of.
After the initial shock, horror and real disappointment we have told him we will help him financially to pay the debts off as long as he promises to get professional help this time and on the understanding that he pays us back monthly till he has paid it all back.
I didn't realise, as I am not a gambler, that it really is an illness that won't go away on its own. He looks terrible and we are worried for his mental health. I know people on these forums say "tough love" is all that works, but I fear that for my son this is not the answer.
He has already been in contact with someone at GamCare and has self excluded himself from all betting websites, which I hope is a positive start. How else can we as parents help him from doing this again? I did have full access to his bank account which I checked regularly but he had opened another account. Are we doing the right thing by helping him again financially. Really worried he might do it again, if not now, in a few months, six months, two years.
Any advice would be greatly received.
Dear Annie92,
Welcome to the Forum. Many of our Forum Users will understand the feelings of shock and disappointment that you felt in discovering your son has relapsed again. It’s a difficult time for all and your son is likely to be feeling remorseful and disappointed in himself too. I am sorry to hear your worries over his Mental Health, his mental well being is going to be an important part of his recovery and we would recommend that he makes an appointment to see his GP to get any extra support he needs.
You are right that his gambling problem is unlikely to go away on its own. It is certainly encouraging to hear he has been in contact with one of our Advisers and I would hope that as part of the support that has been offered to him, that he has looked into some 1 to 1 treatment support too.
In regards to his financial situation, as a loving mum I understand you are in a difficult position. You want to be able to support your son and make things better for him, but at the same time it is important that he takes responsibility for his gambling too. But it would be difficult to advise you on what the best course of action is in regard to finances without knowing more. In this respect I would recommend that you call one of our Advisers on either our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or our NetLine. The support we provide is not only for those with a gambling problem but also for partners and family members. We do understand how difficult things must be for you and we’d like to be able to offer you support as you support your son.
Kind regards
Forum Admin
Dear Annie92,
While I would be a novice in offering advice, as I have myself struggled as a gambler for many years with relapses more than I can remember, as a parent I can only say that I will always be there for my child no matter what.
As I tell my daughter and have repeated this several times and I believe that we share a great relationship...
....."Whatever happens in your life, do not be afraid to come to me for help or tell me if you are in some serious trouble or done something really bad.......I may react instinctively and get really upset.... but be assured that more than anyone in the world I will be there for you and have the issue resolved , no matter how much or how long it takes" .. I am grateful that she has trusted me from a very young age.
Annie92, the road ahead will be long and tough, and you both must know that, and your son must know that even more, your commitment to him should always stay strong.
There are horror stories with youngsters and gambling, and unfortunately regulatory bodies do not take this addiction and the ramifications on the direct or indirect victims seriously.
Am sure the likes of Denise Coates are raising a glass of champagne which you have paid for.
Please do not give up and stay strong, when you see bad days ahead.
Thank you for your kind and wise words @pica. It's hard being a parent and knowing if you are doing the right thing. I am like you and can't turn my back on him and want to help him all I can, but can't afford for him to do it to us again.
I agree wholeheartedly with you when you mention about regulatory bodies. They are a complete and utter disgrace. People should not be able to gamble with credit cards. I for one would ban all online betting websites ! They are ruining so many lives. I am convinced my son would not be in the mess he is in now if he had to walk in to a bookies and hand over real cash!
Here's to a rough and nervy road ahead.
Hi.. I am a compulsive gambler. I have been for most of my adult life. I had bailouts many years ago and it did me no good what so ever. It was a short term fix for a long term problem. Sorry to say but I am a tough love proponent. I know (in my headspace) that if I chose to gamble my money away (which sometimes I still do) I cannot go to any family member and ask for money, cos I know that the answer will be no!. My mum actually said to me once that "If I gamble until i am hungry and homeless, then i would be sad, but it would have been your choice" Having said all of that I don't know what it is like to be in your shoes and i guess you have to go with your gut instinct about what you feel might help your son in the long term.
A few other random thoughts to think about...
1. you say that "he has excluded from all betting sites".. what does that mean?... there are hundreds of gambling sites, with new ones opening on a daily basis. If you mean he has registered with Gamstop and exclude himself for 5 years, then that is a very positive step. Gamstop creates a blanket exclusion.. individual self-exclusions are meaningless in my opinion because there is always another gambling site.
2. Debts... overdrafts, credit cards, bank loans, are not a major problem to deal with unless your son requires a good credit rating for his employment. I phoned my creditors, I told them that I had gambling problems, they were sympathetic, they see this all the time. They do freeze the accounts, but they stop interest and then they transfer the accounts to a specialist support department... and then affordable payments are worked out. With me I didn't have to pay anything towards some of my debts for months cos i was not in a position to do so BUT it was in agreement with the creditor. My point is debts can be sorted often with just one phone call. Your son can open a basic bank account with a bank where he doesn't have debts. Priority bills ie rent, council tax, fines etc are the ones to concentrate on.... national debtline etc can give clear guidance on these
3. mental health... chances are that your son hasn't got any self-esteem anymore, doctors tend to do a refferal to see a psychologist and/or for counselling and you end up having 12 sessions of cognitive behaviour therapy which may or may not be of some help. There is of course gamblers annoymous and online support like places like this. But the bottom line is that any sort of recovery comes from within. Anything that your son does to get him feeling good about himself will help with not gambling. Sport and exercise helps many or other hobbies. I love to run which does help me not to gamble. gets the happy hormones going without emptying the bank account. There is no magic cure unfortunately. Its a compulsion of the mind. You cannot fix your son. Encourage but don't condemn. Enjoy your life, let him see what life is like without gambling.
I hope something here helps
All the best
I would follow SA's advice through, with reading up on the blogs and comments on GamCare,
It surely opens up ones mind to what is happening in the real world.
Appreciate SA's comments to you as well, it does allow myself introspection and keeps me aware that stepping into and out of that addiction circle happens in a fraction of a moment.
Bless wishes all.
Thank you SA. Your advice was very helpful to me. As I have said I'm not a gambler so to listen to other people who have an addiction will help me to try and understand and to give the correct advice and guidance.
He has also used the Gamstop app which as you mentioned is a big positive !
Hi
I am also a cg and my mum bailed me out on a few occasions. Unfortunately by doing this it means his credit score stays great and can access more credit once they are paid so it’s not always a good thing to do. In my opinion, I would advise not to bail him out and pay off his debts as it is likely in the future it will happen again. Only when we are facing the real consequences will we make the necessary changes.
If you are going to pay off the debts, it may be worth giving each one a call and asking if they will accept a settlement offer so you can reduce the amount that has to be paid. This will impact his credit score somewhat but if the aim is so he doesn’t have the pressure of the debt hanging over him, this may be a good option.
Thank you for your advice @lonelysoul. I will definitely consider this as an option.
There is a saying : -
"To be saved once is salvation, but to be saved over and over is damnation..."
He has got into the pattern of expecting you to bail him out each time, so there is no incentive to stop.
The cycle needs to be broken. All the above advise is good. He needs to take it.
Wish you well.
Hi Annie
I am a compulsive gambler whose parent bailed me out from reasonable sized holes - it didn’t help me as in a few weeks / months / years back gambling. That wasn’t my parents fault it was mine as I didn’t want to stop or even thought I had a problem just unlucky! If your son is serious about stopping I would buy him Allen Carr’s book easy way to stop gambling, this unwinds the addiction in the brain and helped me get my head in gear as to why the compulsion was happening and how to get out of it. If he doesn’t want to stop he won’t and by paying his debts it is simply refuelling the ability to gamble - ie new bank account / o/d credit cards etc .....
good luck it is helping me!!
matt692
Thanks for your advice @matt692. I will get the book you mentioned ?.
He says he really does want to stop and has contacted this website for help which he didn’t do last time he did it . He’s also now got himself a lovely girlfriend who he has been seeing for six months and is scared if he doesn’t stop he will lose her too. He has mentioned getting a joint account with her to deter him also.
have you stopped gambling now ?
Hi Annie92,
Play with another thought. Today you and your son harbour the strongest feeling to stop. It may be important to hold that feeling and associate with the pain, remorse and consequences specially your son for the next 60-70 days as this quantum is normally associated with habit formation, further get help and work with the triggers.
He must know that he has a full life ahead of him and there are so many stories on websites and YouTube which you can watch and discuss together, it will allow him to hate what could actually happen if he continues.
I do believe that you can do it, after 33 years myself and possibly my compulsive nature, I can actually see myself checking 365 days and the years that will follow.
Faith and belief have moved mountains for 1000s of years..... Faith and Belief in ourselves.
The road will be tough today but will get easier, and you will feel good. Stay strong and stay in the winning game.
All the best.
....ouch!.... sorry I don't mean to put a dampner on things, but getting a joint account is not a great idea in my opinion. Its like what would happen if 5 months down the road, your son gets the itch to gamble, acts on that itch and then finds himself chassing his losses to cover up the fact that he's gambled. The temptation to use the joint account will be powerful and then if it all goes wrong the girlfriend would then also be liable. There are so many stories on this website of partners waking up one morning to find that the joint account has been drained of funds. Am not saying that this would happen and I apologise if my thoughts upset you but be aware of the possibility
On a positive, "registering with gamstop" is a positive step... a solid practical barrier.
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