Where do I as a parent of a gambler go now?.........

No S.A thank you for your opinions.  They really do help. May reconsider this option then!   As I have said I can’t get my head around why people can keep doing it if they keep losing vast amounts of money but I’m not a gambler 

Ya got me thinking... a myriad of reasons I'd imagine. For me some of the reasons I might gamble again are...

1. I lose touch with the pain and the misery of a big loss and the consequent emotional fallout. This is why some people continue to attend GA meetings for years, so they can keep in touch with there own recovery through the pain of others. maybe that's how the forums help to.

2. I still have the capacity to convince myself that things will be different next time, despite all the evidence to the contrary. Wins stay in your mind, losses get forgotten.

3. If am depressed, bored or lonely, gambling can seem like a good way to pick up my mood or fill the void. Also if am hyper happy, gambling can seem like a way to celebrate.

4. Everything about gambling is designed to be addictive. I gamble on machines and the constant dopamine hits and the anticipation of the next win (even though i might actually be losing) makes it very hard for me to walk away.

SA thanks for that.

In a nutshell that says it.

If it is a personal mission to get a grip on these reasons one has half the battle won.

Points 1, 2 and 3 are my reasons for going back.

Let us never forget.

well indeed Pica... this is good therapy for me to... gets me to think about the reasons that i keep going back...

Here is another one that comes to mind...

I want to fix the problems caused by my gambling. Its like gambling is the only addiction where further gambling can seem like the solution as well as the problem, that is when we see the problem purely in terms of "money". For example if I gamble away my overdraft, my addict head will still say, all you need is one lucky spin and you can win it all back again.... A viscous cycle that am sure that many of us are familiar with whatever we gamble on.

Thanks @pica and @S.A I really do appreciate your feedback .     I think boredom was one of the main reasons initially that started my son to start gambling .  Plus it’s so easy these days to sit in your front room and place bets with no actual real money being handed over.  

I suggest a joint account is a great idea - or even let her deal with all finance - give him cash to live with!

the truth is that he will lose her if he doesn’t stop! 

i am now 61 days gf, but I am thinking completely different as someone who doesn’t gamble, rather than a gambler who is trying to stop!

get the book it tries to unwind the addiction!

matt692

Hi @matt692 I’ve ordered the book and he said he will read it ?. 
I am so pleased for you you are doing amazing and I like the way you are now thinking .

i thought the joint account was a good idea.   I have heard it has worked for some because as you say he will lose her if he does it to her !!  I’ve told him this and he said he doesn’t want that to happen .  So I am just praying that this time Ruth the help of councillors and us and his girlfriend we can beat this horrible addiction !

once again thank you for your thoughts . It’s lovely to hear from people just like my son and to hear how you are feeling 

If he wants a joint account, suggest he has one with you (alongside full financial control and transparency starting with credit reports from all three agencies. Use Credit Karma,Clearscore and Experian through MSE's Credit club as that gives you ongoing access to everything from everyone). Financially linking a girlfriend of just six months leaves her open to the lying and manipulation all gamblers are masters at.

Don't clear his debt. Everyone on the f&f boards will have a horror story showing it doesn't work (Mr L went on to double the original debt after being fully bailed by me and my parents). Resolving the debt is your son's problem. If he's capable of finding the time and the funds to gamble he's capable of contacting debt advice organisations for advice on the mess he's in. Linking action and consequence is the best and kindest thing you can do long term.

Don't trust him. Don't believe a word he says without verifying things independently for yourself. Protect your own interests. There's a wealth of advice (starting with regular and ongoing attendance at GA) available to him if and when he's ready but he has to want to take it up.

I'd have to agree with Lethe.

"Financially linking a girlfriend of just six months leaves her open to the lying and manipulation all gamblers are masters at."

I think a joint account is a terrible, terrible idea, and it's completely unfair on a partner of 6 months to give them this burden. Joint account holders are also jointly liable for any debts of that account.

Don't bail him out but ask him to give you access to his account - but also credit check him regularly to make sure he is not accessing funds /  credit via another route.

Also, being precise Gamstop isn't an app, its an online registration. I tend to think anyone that doesn't use this (and for 5 years) isn't really serious about their addiction. Check he is registered.

What else is he doing ? I'd expect him to be going to gamblers anonymous. If not why not ?

It doesn't work for everyone but it certainly doesn't work if he doesn't try it properly.

What's he doing to combat boredom ? While this is a common reason many of us gamblers give for our behaviour, its seldom the under lying cause.

I know I have discussed this again with him and told him he needs to keep accounts separately.  I have had access to his bank account for the last two years but like people on here are saying he would telling me lies about where his money was being spent.  If he made a transaction to another bank account, he would put like "holiday" . So I thought he was paying off a holiday.    I think I would learn now what he was up to if he did this again.  He has registered with gamstop and I have checked that he did actually do it.  He is starting councilling this week.  At least he is a lot more positive this time and I am not expecting miracles but small steps at least. 

When I think back now, there is no way he should have been overdrawn as much as he was when living at home with us and no outgoing whatsoever and a full time job.   It just didn't make sense.  I now know and will not be as trusting in the future.  He said he is going to speak to us every day as to how he is feeling.  

I like the earlier referance...

"...lying and manipulation all gamblers are masters at......."

Not only is it done to others, more successfully we do it to ourselves!

Thank You..... the part to accepting our realities.

Hello Annie 92

I have considerable experience of this and the crucial advice i can give is that you do not bail out (unless there is a legal agreement in place and you are taking control ownership of property for example)

IM SERIOUS HERE>>>>DEADLY SERIOUS!!

Good money after bad with a newly recovering? gambler is dangerous...very dangerous and you need your eyes more than wide open

This is no game about a silly flutter. This addiction is deadly and it will destroy families for breakfast. It will leave guilt, grudges and he will always feel obliged which may send him over the edge....Its destroyed my family relationship in many senses although we plod on thinking we are all ok with it

OTHERWISE YOU DONT BAIL OUT as your role is loving moral support to try and understand this drug addiction.

YOU PROTECT YOURSELF and then you can be of help if you wish to.

What he will thank you for is LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING. the money will become dirty and it wont ultimately help him until he is on a sandwich allowance with control of his life forced on him until his mind heals.

I hope you understand what I am getting  it because financially helping a gambler is like playing with fire.......well its like gambling!!!....you do so at your own risk but the whole relationship is at stake.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Thank you @joydivider.   I appreciate your wise words.   

What happens if he does something terrible to himself though because we have not helped him .  We would never forgive ourselves and then the money would seem insignificant.  I understand what you are saying but he has promised to get help which he has and we have full access to his credit ratings score and bank account now , which I am checking day by day.He said he will talk to us every day and tell us how he is feeling.   He told me he doesn't get an urge to bet on a day to day basis, but its when he does he starts trying to win back what he has lost. 

I feel with my son love and understanding will definitely help him more than leaving him out to dry.   

Another reason why I didn't want him to go debt companies is that he will never be able to get a mortgage etc in the future for when he finally sorts himself out. 

Hi... I can appreciate where you come from to an extent. Am sure that my mum would have wanted me to have a mortgage but she took the opposite view in that, I chose to do what i did and if i was to learn I needed to be accountable for my actions. As it turned out I didn't learn and history did repeat itself.

Proceed with caution that's all I would suggest. At some point you will pull back from close supervision of your son's finances and what happens then? But anyway it sounds like your son is on a positive path at the moment and lets hope it continues that way. I guess sometimes the regulars on this forum feel quite strongly about things, cos of all the pain and chaos we have caused to ourselves and others and we don't want others to follow a similar path.