Who am I?

Morning ' Who am I ' . Lovely sunny day . Hope you are happy and well .

I know you have had up and down days over the last 4 weeks , the gambling addiction takes away our confidence and self respect leaving us with the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder . We can learn from the past but best not to dwell on it . We can look forward to the future with hope , focussing on the positives in our life .

Thank you so much for your good advice and encouraging words . Your support has been a massive help in my first month of recovery ...... stephen

Quote: t's just sometimes the initial getting ready and stepping out the house thats hard

Just read this WAI and I feel your pain...I imagine somewhere on this site is something very similar from my hand & if not, there should be! It is a type of depression albeit one that we can function with & I almost lost my husband to it. I convince myself I am exhausted & having gone through a long period where I genuinely wasn't able to sleep (course of anti-depressants provided by my GP, that didn't help the sleep any but really levelled me out), it's pretty easy to just roll back over. I have a choice, I can choose the guilt & sadness that staying in bed/breaking plans causes or I can get up & do something tired, I go to work tired all the time so why not do the fun stuff in that state!

Everything that you have concluded about your reasons for gambling would be in the 'stereotyping a gambler' handbook should one exist. There is light @ the end of the tunnel...Keep fighting - ODAAT

Morning ' Who am I ' . Wishing you peace and happiness today and always .

Congratulations on 30 days gamble free , a good foundation for your recovery .

Your contribution to the forum has been wonderful , good advice and encouragement helping me on my journey .

I have my 2nd ' one to one ' counselling session today which I am looking forward to .

Take care ....... stephen

Hi All,

I just want to say I am sorry. Sorry for letting you down. Sorry for not being able to support you. Sorry for not being strong enough.

I got to 30 days on Friday 16th June and have relapse massively since. All mine and my partners savings gone.

The way I feel about myself right now is beyond words. I told him I think he needs to leave me. He said he would never do that; he loves me and we are forever.

I love him so I feel the most selfless thing I could do would be to walk away and yet I can't. Therefore, I cannot gamble anymore.

I hope that today this is the end of the beginning in my recovery journey.

Hi WAI sorry to hear of your rocky times, please be reassured no one will judge you but just want to help you. Give yourselve time to recover from this relapse and do everything you can to prevent another one then you'll be at peace with yourself because you'll know your on it 100%. Take all the support and help and move on, best wishes and take care S:)

Thanks Sharon, your words mean so much. Truly. You are doing amazing and I am so pleased for you. I have been reading your diaries still and I wanted to offer my support, but I felt like a fraud.

I felt like I was just making a breakthrough last time, before I relapsed. So hopefully I can work on my issues again.

I what to start take control of my life again.

I feel all over the place at the moment, but I know time will be my healer.

Thanks for your kind words but honestly I spend most of my time feeling low, ashamed and like a total fail trying to disconnect myself from my loses.Also it took me a long time to realise my gambling isn't really about money. Any support is appreciated and I am sending positive thoughts your way, although you find it hard now be kind to yourself S:)

Sharon your words are so true. I know how much I have gambled and it makes me sick. I too realise it isn't actually about the money the problem lies much deeper.

I don't know if others are the same, but I feel like I have a really warped view of money. I struggle knowing how to spend it 'properly', I hardly ever spend money on myself; generally I am so careful, but I guess you have to be when your a gambler wanted to keep up the facade that everything is okay. I shop for bagains, offers, reduced items, go in charity shops and then at others times I just spend everything, every last penny gambling; where is the sense in that?

I too cannot get over my losses and the debt I have now put us in. It's 3 weeks till payday and already knowing that its been for nothing is a horrible feeling.

I suppose though on the positive it hasn't all been for nothing. Through this addiction, in our recovery we can learn lots of things about ourselves, begin to adress our problems and become stronger people because of the journeys we have gone through.

Today I have told my cousin, she was very understanding; offered to lend me money, I declined. I will get us out of this mess if it kills me..

Sharon your honesty in the way you feel is great. I wonder how people do get over losses, do you really just need to draw a line in the sand and forget about it?? Often people say you can forgive, but you cant forget. I hope one day when I've made things right I will be able to forgive myself, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget? Take care and sending a big hug across to you x

Hi WAI,

Stay strong " every cloud has a silver lining ". I'm sure this time you'll come back stronger . Big hug Sars

Wise words Sars and congrats on 37 days, brilliant!! WAI I have to be honest with myself as I spend so long papering over the cracks, as for the losses all I can do is not gamble which would make things worse. Take care S:)

Welcome home WAI , missed you and your contributions to the diaries .

We all have an idea how wretched you must be feeling because we've all been in similar places , it's dark and lonely . Nobody here will judge or condemn you , we just want you to get better .

Your in loving relationship , you want to stop gambling , you have insight and understanding , you have hope .

Maybe ask yourself if their was something you could have done differently to prevent the relapse !

Take care WAI , wishing you success in your recovery and happier times ahead ....... stephen. x

Thanks Sars 🙂 I feel stronger and more determined this time, well done day 38 today! And Sharon the papering over the cracks we know so well, gambing is so horrible and is worse than drugs, you are right the only way to make things better is not to gamble. I wish I had been stronger last time, but thank you Stephen I do know how it started and I definately need to address my triggers when they start in order to prevent a relapse. One thing we are hoping to do is hand over financial control to my mum, its just going to take a little while waiting til pay day to see the state of our banks, work out what we have for the month or don't have and sorting out how its going to work with handing over cards and applying for cash cards.

I am so exhasuted mentally, but I need to quickly get ready for work and face the day. It is so tiring pretending everything is okay, but I am glad to be back here and I want to support others and I thank you all for you support.

Much love everyone x

Today is my day 1. I was all over the place the other day when I came back on here.

Now I'm back for good. I will make this right for my partner. I love him and I want to make the rest of our life the best it can be. I know I need some help, some counselling, but I am scared I work in the community and I am good at my job, but I am scared it could affect my future job prospects. Also I have worked in places where they want to see your medical records, ofcourse this is 'optional' but if you say no then this would raise questions like what have you got to hide..?

This is the first time I have been able to cry in ages and I'm glad I feel like I just spend all my life pretending I'm okay.

My mum is going to tell my dad about my gambling and I know its the right thing and its not fair on her keeping my problem to herself, but it is really upsetting me (he knew about my gambling before and I know it affected him, I just feel like I'm never going to have the relationships I want with my family. I just feel like such a f**k up. If I didn't have this problem my life would be amazing. But then I know it wouldn't be coz I would still be lonely and still have to deal with my issues).

I don't know how I can go to work and just get on with everything when I feel such a mess inside.

I feel under so much pressure at the moment due to the situation I've put us in, I wish I could start my life again, but I guess all I can do is start my life now. Be thankful I have my partner, we are both healthy and happy together and we can start making everyday count.

It's so stupid. The things I love the most are spending time with him, family and friends (but the last two can be hard due to distance in between and a phone call doesn't always cut it for me). I also love walking and going to the beach, reading and taking photos of the places we go and making memories.

So why do I spend ridiculous amounts of time and money wasting my life away instead of dealing with my problems and making plans to see people/ go places?? Totally screwed up.

I can't do it anymore. Today I will not gamble.

We've been to the shops tonight 'on a budget, obviously :)' and are having a healthy tea tonight and we've had a little walk. I am looking forward to watching a movie together and functioning like regular couples do.

Today I choose life. I am making the choice to put my partner and family first.

Hi WAI you sound super determined and on this 100% I know you csn do it! Not easy though but with support and encouragement you'Lloyd get there. Take care and here's to a a GF future S:) x

Thanks Sharon 🙂 As usual means alot. I had a lovely night we've not finished watching the movie and I'm getting tired; looking forward to getting into a more regular sleep pattern, and at least it's something to look forward to finish watching for tomorrow night.

I read a quote today that said something like 'from yesterdays pain, we draw tomorrows strength'.

Night Sharon and I'll raise my imaginary glass to that 🙂 'A gamble free future! Here. Here.' x