Who am I?

Not seen you around the diaries for a few days WAI ! Hope your keeping well .... stephen x

Hi All,

Bit of a mess again.. Feeling like 1 step forward, 3 steps back. I will post once I am focussed again, in the meantime I am thinking of you all x

So sorry to hear your struggling Wai , you are well respected in the diaries and everyone will be wishing you well .

Can't possibly know how you are feeling , but we have been in similar situations and it's not very nice .

Take good care of yourself . We are your friends and look forward to seeing you back amongst us soon .

Have faith that one day you will be gamble free , happy and contented .

I second Stephens post, we are all totally behind you here.Hope to hear from you when you're ready, take care S:)

Thanks Stephen, I really do believe that one day I will be gamble free, happy and contented. Thank you.

I used to read the diaries on here and think 'Wow all these people just can't give up, what is the matter with them?' I am one of these people.

For everyone on their journeys never give up the faith to believe that one day will be your last gamble day, one you will turn you life around, one day will be the one day you change as a person, over come this, face your fears and find yourself.

And for those of you on your gamble free journeys, you inspire me everyday.

Hi wai

I echo the comments above,you have support from your gamcare friends when you are ready.

Take care and be kind to yourself , we are only human x

Thanks Annie I will hopefully get my head together soon and be in a position to adress this x

Sometimes I think we get ourselves in such a mess that we can't see a way out of it. Sometimes we get so used to doing something, even something unhealthy and it just becomes the norm, part of our routine.

Sometimes we can be brave for a while and then relapse. We can also be brave and just keep going, I think the strength to keep going is so much harder that relapsing, I want to find this strength inside myself.

My heart really goes out to you WAI .

So many times I've given in because I was in the habit of relapsing . It a cruel vicious cycle that just seems to go on and on , unless something about our recovery changes than the pattern just keeps repeating itself .

I remember how persistent the addiction could be . Constantly demanding that I gamble , telling me their was no other option available . Could be I gambled just to stop the incessant nagging , I don't know for sure . Sometimes I felt a strange sense of relief when I was broke because than the pestering seemed to stop .

I wouldn't tell my granny how to suck eggs and I won't try to tell you how to stop gambling . I just hope you can discover some peace and happiness in a gamble free life . Take care ..... stephen. x

Thanks Stephen x

I do need to change the cycle and stop the pattern repeating itself.

So today I have told my dad. The one thing I was dreading the most. Feel lower than low.

I have asked him to lend me the money to pay off my debts. He said no straight away.

He and my mum are talking now. I need to sort out the bank cards; something I was meant to be doing last month and never did as I wanted to wait until payday and reevaluate the situation. Obviously that didn't happen and the situation just got worse.

My partner feels like he is leading a double life, pretending everything is okay. Everyone thinks we are the perfect couple if only they knew..

I nearly threw up this morning, wretching as I woke up, horrible sweats in the night again, eyes swollen from tears and lack of sleep.

I feel sick in the head.

Thursday 3rd August, 2017

Day 1.

My partner has withdrawn some cash today for us to live on, he also now has his cash card and both of our cards have been reported as 'lost'. Upon getting the new ones these will be passed on to my mum for safe keeping unopened so we (mainly me) do not have access to that all important 3 digit security number.

From next payday an amount will be put on his cashcard for us to live on each month, the debt will sort itself out eventually, as long as I do not gamble.

Not feeling anything today. Been sick again this morning.. Just ready for this nightmare to end.

Just had the first blip with the new cash card. Tried to send some money from my partners bank, but obviously can't do it via bank card, so thought this would be okay via bank transfer. It didn't work as he needs a card reader, he hasn't got one and obviously we are not having bank cards... So quick thinking we tried my bank, £5 pay a new person. It says it has been successful, so we just need to see how long it will take to go in now.

These are just little blips, getting used to a new system, how it works etc.. Can we manage like this. Well we are going to have to manage like this for a very long time.

Great to have you back Wai . Day 1 . A fresh start . Wishing you every success in your recovery and a life of peace and contentment .

Have you considered starting a new thread to mark this new chapter in your life ?

Thanks Stephen. I am really glad to be back. x

I haven't considered doing a new thread, but maybe it would be nice to once I feel like I have begun to beat this. I think definately that's something for me to consider in the future.

Just had a lovely haircut, courtesy of my mum- early birthday present from her 🙂 feel way better.

Hi wai

Glad to see you back, never give up on giving up that has become my mantra. It takes strength to start again, wishing you success on your gf journey x