Who am I?

Thanks Annie for your post on my diary. Love the fact you've only spent £40 this month so far apart from standard outgoings, it's amazing really how little we actually need.

Day 2.

Don't know how I feel today. Just going to do some cleaning up (have really let things slip) hopefully will feel better once I've done something.

Nothing so fine as a stroll by the sea

To taste the salt air and laugh cheerily

With a song and a smile wave the gambling goodbye

Your a wonderful lady we all know as Wai

Thanks Stephen, you really have a beautiful way with words, you posts around this site often make me smile.

Day 2 nearly over x

Day 3.

Feeling rough and headachy. Today I am going to do some more cleaning (not loads, but it did make me feel better yesterday). I'm also going to take Stephen's advice and have a slow stroll along the beach later, try and clear my head.

Our new bank card is fantastic, really impressed with it so far, hopefully it will become a way of life for us, always having a small amount of cash as a back up and this card.

Day 4.

Feeling 60% with it at the moment. I know that as the days clock up I will begin to feel better again.

Stay with it Wai , enjoy a lovely weekend , maybe while away a few minutes at the beach , feel the sand between your toes , connect with mother earth . enjoy the simple pleasures that life offers .

Or go rock climbing and scuba diving ! Whatever takes your fancy .

The beauty of it is you now have more freedom to choose what you want to do .

Your no longer a puppet dangling on the string of gambling addiction

Take care ....... stephen

Thanks Stephen.

I am feeling so low at times. However I know these feelings will pass.

I feel happier now. There was a problem with cancelling my partners card, saying he needed to call and verify a few things, he has sorted it, the new one is on its way ready to go to my mums. It's definately cancelled, I made him try and deposit into a site just to make sure and it didn't work. It makes me feel utter relief. This is something I wish we had done months ago.

Onto the future. I know we can rebuild in all areas of our life.

We are going for a walk now in the lovely sunshine.

Day 4 nearly over, lovely bath before bed, feel relaxed. Work tomorrow. Night all.

Day 5.

So glad I cannot physically gamble, really wish I had done this ages ago.

On the positive I am glad I have finally put these things in place and accepted that I need this help.

I still don't feel great at the moment, think it's a combination of realising how badly addicted I am, how much money I have wasted-it has been alot, feelings of guilt and regret, feelings of remorse, knowing we shouldn't be living this way, knowing things will get better, it will just take time, knowing I need to address my issues one day, knowing how lucky I am to have the support of my partner and mum and dad, knowing my next pay day will be eaten up straight away, knowing I have to 'grow up' so to speak.

I've always been a dreamer.. Now I need to get real.

My life isn't a complete mess, my head, house and finances may be but overtime I can work on these. In the meantime I have alot to be grateful for.

Hi WAI

Well done on 5 days GF you are already almost a week GF.

I think we do get regretful its just part of the process but you have to remember to be kind to yourself too and cut yourself some slack. You have put some great blocks in place and its wonderful that you are focusing on the things to be grateful for.

Everything gets better with time and its one of the only certainties we have, the passing of time.

Take care

Annie x

Thanks Annie, yeah it is horrible knowing how much I have simply 'wasted'.

You are completely right over time things will get better.

Day 6 today. Feeling abit better. Just going to keep working hard and try and make the best out of a bad situation, a day at a time, bit by bit things will get better.

Hi Who Am I,

Reading your diary made me a little sad. You carry the weight of shame in almost every post. You apologise for letting others down but one thing is truly clear, you desperately want to stop and beat this. Don't feel shame any longer, what's done is done. Don't be defined by your relapses, be defined by your determination to recover despite them. It sounds like you have an incredibly supportive other half and your parents are helping too. By taking away the finances you should in theory not be able to gamble. This is not in any way a negative, it is you doing what it takes to address your problems and finding the courage to do so.

I truly wish you all the very best.

Matt

Thanks Matt. I do feel awful. I think what I find worse is having to admit I have no control over this. Realising I am not strong enough to beat this, or capable enough to manage my finances and I can't just 'stop' on my own makes me feel ten times worse. I really wanted to have the strength to stop, to just 'not do it'. It should have been that simple. By handing over financial control I have had to admit that I can't do this on my own, it makes me feel ashamed, weak. However, I also know it's a very big step for me to take in doing this, because I'm admitting I have a problem and I need help, even though I may not be ready to deal with the roots behind my problem at the moment, I fully intend on never having those cards back until I have adressed the reasons behind my problem.

Thank you Matt and I have read your diary, you have overcome so much and it really seems like you have gone on a very spiritual journey to get you where you are today. Onwards and upwards.

Thankyou Wai . Always great to read your posts . Heartbreaking to see the pain you have endured , we've all been their and know how awful it is . Don't run yourself down , your a wonderful person who sadly is also a compulsive gambler .

However this is a new chapter in your life . You accept that you need help to overcome your desire to gamble . You have put all the necessary blocks in place to prevent you gambling . You have handed over management of your finances to your loved ones . You have done all you can . Put it all out of your mind and enjoy life , aim to be contented and at peace , in time it will all get easier .

Take care Wai ... stephen

Thanks for posting such kind words on my diary, so sorry you feel so pained and are having a hard time. Honestly don't feel bad because you can't do this on your own, none of us are doing this alone, it'S with support, counselling etc anything that stops gambling.Any way is a good way! Take care and start being kind to yourself S 🙂