My name is Dave of Beckenham I am a compulsive gambler.
For me I doubted and questioned that spiritual healing and recovery would never work for me.
For me to abstain be honest and talk about any thing in my life was very difficult thing for me to do.
Sadly I was not able to articulate my feelings and often thought that every one was the same.
There was a saying children should be seen and not heard, I now understand that children asked questions parents were ignorant of the answers.
I question things today not because of deep seated fears or lack of faith but because I am excited at understanding how people interact or react to other people.
I was a very humiliated person walking in to recovery, I did not know why I kept lying and escaping responsibility for my unhealthy actions and words.
Now I understand that I lied because I feared consequences of being honest, I thought that people would not like or love me any more.
I even thought that being honest was painful, now being honest has helped me grow and be more mature.
I use to blame every one for how I felt, I used to think that other people stressed me out, sadly they did not stress me out, that is some thing I did to myself.
For me stress is fear based, for me anxiety is fear based, procrastination is fear based, why do people want to hard on them self, not being happy with progress always thinking they must be perfect of they feel they have failed.
For me there is no such thing as failure in my recovery, every experience faced is strengthening my steel.
The fact I do not try or avoid doing things I am failing myself, by putting off doing things I am failing myself, by taking the easy I am I am failing and cheating myself.
Closing my mothers things is unsettling yet I feel a kind of peace with in myself, today it would have been my mothers 92 birthday.
Mother gave so much of herself to me, yet she was not able to be emotionally intimate with me at an I am failing myself.
Once I understand my mothers experience and life I understood her having emotional limitations.
Shirley and my beliefs have changed as we have both become healthier and more trusting.
Because of paperwork left by mother I have found that my grand father mixed in some very interesting levels of friends.
I even have a gold medal which was awarded to one of relatives.
My interaction with all people has helped me understand that I am becoming more and more fearless my relationships grow and blossom with all people.
It is healthy for me to treat every one with the same respect I have learned for myself.
I am no expert I am still a student of spiritual values, I am excited by doing my best each day and facing new challenges.
Being hard on self is unhealthy, being impatient and intolerant I questioned if I could find recovery and healing if I did not have or was not able to believe in any form of religion, was it possible.
What did it mean to me the word spiritual, in time over 40 years I would question every avenue of recovery and healing.
Loneliness fades once you overcome your fears, fears inhibited me and my relationships in so many ways.
I am not alone, I know that my recovery is my responsibility and I can longer blame other people for my failings.
Love and peace to every one
Dave
excellent post dave- thanks x linda
THank you for your comments.
Take good care of your self
Dave
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