Good Morning Diary,

Ive not posted in about a month or longer. I had a lovely holiday back in end of June and bizarrely the weather is hotter here than it is in Lanzarote ?

I’m going to the Park Run soon. Crazy things happening with my running. My times are quicker than anytime since a year after my first kid was born. So, about 11/12 years. My 5k, 10k, 10 miles and half marathon times all way faster. I’ve lost some weight and been very consistent with running and bang it just happened. Back to banging out 6+ minute miles - flying machine ?.

I suppose this is true in life and gambling recovery. Consistency, dedication and hard work is the only real route to success. Even with the weight loss its true. Being good for 3 days per week wasn’t enough. Being good for two weeks and then having a bad week wasn’t enough. And with running, doing lots for a month and little the next month didn’t bring real improvement. Consistency in all areas brought massive significant change. What brought this constistency? I don’t know. I just do it now and have for months. It would feel strange to not go that run or start eating loads of junk again. It would feel strange to want to gamble again. I suppose everything just takes time and patience but consistency seems key.

Need to go now. My 13 year is desperate to beat me this morning. I’ve started beating him again and he ain’t happy about it ?

RR

Dear Diary,

I had covid again last week. This is now the third time confirmed by test and I think I’ve had it a fourth time which I never tested only because I didn’t have a test kit. Getting fed up with it. I’ve passed it on through my kids to finally my wife who’s got it now. I’ve recovered and was back at work on Monday. I went for a run yesterday but I still felt the impact and felt a bit gubbed during and afterwards. 

I was out for lunch at work on Thursday and I was amazed that the pub chain restaurant I was in had roulette machines. I couldn’t believe this. When did this happen? I thought those evil things were only in bookmakers or casinos.

Anyway, I continue to read new entries from first time visitors to the forum and it’s heartbreaking. Just like me many years ago, people in chaos posting worrying posts about debt and not knowing how to stop or what to do. It’s brutal. I suspect more people will turn to gambling as the cost of living continues to rise to unseen levels. It makes me terribly sad.

In the haze of madness the obvious does not seem obvious I suppose. When I gambled it was my biggest outlay. The amount I gambled in a month would be more than my mortgage. It would be more than my car and certainly more than my energy bill. Of course, I didn’t always lose so perhaps a little mis-leading. What is certain however, is that I have more available funds at my disposal since I stopped gambling. More funds than I’ve ever had since I finally paid off my gambling debt a short time ago. This makes sense. It would be like never having to make a mortgage or car payment again. 

I wish people would stop. I wish they could make that leap of faith that says if I stop gambling today then my situation cannot get worse and by default can only get better. Snd it will. It will get better and better and better. All areas of life will improve as the chaos subsides and is replaced with the calm, peaceful days. Debt is stressful. Worrying about money can keep you awake all night. I wish for every soul struggling with gambling to stop slowly dying today and start living their new life tomorrow.

RR

I’m having a super week and I feel good. I’ve had my 5 mile run this morning and I’ve been to the gym. I feel fit and healthy in body and mind.

This afternoon I’m taking the family out for late lunch/early dinner and I’m having a few pints. The sun is out and the sky is blue and everything seems good.

RR

Two days from now, I will celebrate being 3 years clean from gambling. Tomorrow, will mark the 3rd anniversary from the time I lost the plot and gambled more than £10k in just over an hour playing roulette. A lot has changed in those 3 years.

I scared myself when I lost the £10k. Obviously I was out of control but the thing that scared me most was that I didn’t stop by choice rather my credit card stopped working and I had no other registered card that I could use. I was frantic. Frantically trying to continue. I could have done unthinkable damage that day.

I joined Gamcare the following day and started learning how to quit. That in itself was achievable. Trying to stop worrying about the debt or concentrating on anything other than the debt seemed non achievable. Both needs time but you only realise that after you’ve provided yourself with that time and patience and addiction don’t often go hand in hand. Regardless, the key to stopping is time off a bet but that’s just the start. Then, you have to learn how to live life without something you did every day or few days or whatever it was. It becomes as hard as breaking any addiction - you have to go through the process. It seems hard at the time but three years into the future I can’t recall really difficult moments.

I started to focus on getting better. For me that was getting healthier and fitter. So, thats what I did. That takes time but its a process and you notice improvements along the way and that makes you feel good about yourself again. The debt is still there but it’s shrinking. Going in the right direction - everything starts going in the right direction - life, relationships, health, better sleep, being able to relax, stop worrying, stop lying, stop cheating your way through life and all the while this process continues through days, weeks, months and years.

I’ve posted enough about money in the past and I won’t ramble on because it can sound arrogant but I don’t have debt now and I have money now. Gamble and lose thousands you’ll have debt and no money. Don’t gamble and lose money and your money situation will improve quickly. That makes sense.

I don’t think about gambling so much these days and I never miss it. I don’t reminisce about past glories rather the horrors of 3 years ago tomorrow. Gambling me threatens to destroy everything I have achieved. Healthy me thrives in life.

RR

3 year anniversary today. Thank goodness. I never take this for granted.

Congratulations RouletteRegret on your 3 year gamble free anniversary!

Well done on your achievement and inspiring others to keep going - One Day At A Time.....

Best wishes

Forum Admin

Hi RR, massive well done. Your post from 25th September could have been written by me, but, as with you, I have gradually pulled myself out of the deep hole I had dug with the help and support of my family, gamcare and Stepchange.

I still have debt but chipping away at it every month and am now 27 months gamble free.

As you say, you have to learn to live a life again without this horrible addiction and it's always good to hear success stories for people just beginning their recovery to show it can be done

All the best ?

Hi

Worry and Regret

For me worrying is fear based, my fears we the effects of the pains of my past not being healed.

My fears were anxiety worrying and then reaching a point where we panc and can not think things out clearly.

My fears were disabling me from having a full productive life,

My regrets was due to the fact that I did and said some very unhealthy things in my life that caused pains in me

and in other people..

By understanding my unhealthy words and actions I would change my unhealthy reactions in to unhealthy interactions.

I understand that I can not change my past yet I can change my realtionship with my self and with other people.

Today I learn from my past but do not live in it any more.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Quick thank you to Dave for the post above. Your thoughts always make me think and are much appreciated.

I read a post earlier and a comment got me thinking and its stayed with me all day. We all have our own opinions which is healthy and my opinion differs from the message I read earlier today. The message read “once a gambler always a gambler”. I don’t agree with this. I haven’t gambled for over 3 years. I haven’t gambled today and have no intention of gambling tomorrow. I know that I can never gamble again because its bad for me. In fact it’s dangerous. I also know that I couldn’t take heroin, rob a bank or pet a tiger all for the same reasons. I accept that there’s stuff I cannot do but I cannot accept that because I did something before I’ll always do it. 

In life I try to be positive. I think the message we give ourselves is crucial. Generally speaking, if we believe we can do or be something then we will and if we think we can’t do or be something then we won’t. I think the statement I read is terribly negative and self defeating. I no longer think of myself as a gambler and everyday I set out to prove that theory while getting on with my life.

I appreciate different opinions. The original poster’s difference in opinion made me think about my recovery today. That’s a good thing.

RR

So, I’m travelling abroad on business very soon and my company has booked my flights and hotel for my week long visit. I’ve been booked into a hotel which I’ve just learned is also a casino. You couldn’t make it up. 

Seriously, I don’t have any fears about the hotel. I don’t gamble now. I’m not naïve if I see a roulette table adrenaline will surely pump through my veins. I won’t mistake this for excitement more like my body warning me that danger lurks ? I shouldn’t joke about it. It’s not an ideal situation but sometimes life chucks in situations that must be overcome and when they are overcome you surely become stronger and something that once created fear may not hold such a strong pull.

In a way, if I’m not able to go about my day because of the close proximity to a roulette wheel then I haven’t recovered at all. And, I honestly don’t believe that to be true. Evidently, I’m doing far better without gambling than I ever did with it in my life. In my case at least, the evidence is staggering.

RR

I returned from my business trip recently. As per my last post, I was staying in a hotel casino. The trip went well. I didn’t go near the casino and I didn’t even think about it. I thought it was worth mentioning. 

Only three weeks to Christmas. Unbelievable. The last few months has flown by. I love this time of year and even more so with over 3 years free from gambling.

RR

Hi.

Congratulations on a wonderful achievement.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL