Worry and Regret

I hope you enjoy your Christmas Party and have some wholesome fun mate. 

I'll be thinking of you. 

Drama 

x

Keeping it real like the rest of us.. Enjoy your works party but more importantly get home enjoy lifes party gf..

Boo ?

Good boy last night - home for midnight and no casino. That is a big confidence hit for me. To be drunk with cash and in a city with plenty of casinos and be in control is a nice feeling. To come home having spent far less than I’d planned and with money in my wallet was an additional bonus.

However, I am hungover and just trying to get through the day until bedtime. I dont go out as much as I used to and if you’re not a regular drinker alcohol is like a poison. Cant wait for bedtime.

RR

Posted a long message last night then deleted it because its very negative family stuff. Ive woke up this morning and its still bothering me so here goes.

Went to visit my parents yesterday with wife and kids. We’re sitting in living room and parents don't even bother to come in. My wife looks at me as if w*f is going on - a real feeling of awkwardness. Anyway, I’m round to build a bike for daughters xmas and I'm struggling so I ask my dad for help. He tries to pretend he doesn't hear me so I ask again. He comes out ten minutes later looks at the instructions for 5 seconds says he cant help and I should ask my mum because she’s great at stuff like this. FFS.

Anyway, we’re going to their house for xmas day with extended family and my dad always does a speech listing everyone’s achievements over the past year. He’s asking my wife what have the kids done - he doesn't even know what classes there in i.e. P4 or P6 etc. They live half a mile away from us. They never bother, dont go to any of the kids shows and generally show no interest in anything they do. On the contrary my in laws are very hands on with my kids and my father in law is amazing and the kids adore him.

It drives me crazy. We’ll turn up on Xmas day and my parents act like doting grandparents in front of my gran, aunts and uncles and it’s all for show. It drives both me and my wife crazy.

I found out last week that my parents were driving 100 mile round trip to do my sisters ironing because the “poor soul” was too tired to do it. She’s recently married with no kids and my parents live their life through her. She’s going with her husbands family on xmas day and i get the feeling my parents are devastated  with this.

I must sound mental or jealous but I dont think I am. I think the world believes family is the most important thing. I simply dont get it. My parents and my sister cause me the most amount of hassle and aggravation in my life. I dont dislike them I just dont enjoy being around them. My sister takes the P**s and would happily leave them penniless and if me and my brother comment on this they get upset and say we give her a hard time. 

My point is this - im doing ok just now and Im fed up trying to do the right thing by them. Im fed up playing happy family and putting on a show. I love my wife and kids and would have a great day in the house with them. But, everyone would think thats weird. Christmas is for extended family. I get the impression everyone goes and pretends to have a great time then b*****s about everyone behind their backs when its all over.

Rant over. Family stuff frustrates the life out of me. It pulls me down, makes me angry, sad, annoyed etc. These are emotions which ive not experienced to much of in the last few months. Rant over now.

RR

Happy Christmas Eve,

I’ll be 90 days off a bet tomorrow and a lot has changed in that short period of time. It’s a bizarre statement really because when in the grips of gambling addiction we think everything is financial and we worry incessantly about money. I still have what I believe to be a large and unacceptable gambling debt but I got to a place of peace with it. I make a payment and I move on. Its all the other stuff thats changed. The mental stuff. You're not aware how it affects you until it stops. 

RR

RR,

That is a wonderful achievement, many congratulations and merry Christmas x

Happy Christmas... ??

Boo ???

Thanks for the messages guys.

The feeling of experiencing Christmas Eve and being able to focus on the day, the kids, my wife and the happiness in everyone has been amazing. To enjoy the day without trying to pretend or hide my emotions as I have done in the past after gambling and losing lots of money in the run up to Christmas has been fabulous.

Today has been great and I want to feel like this every Christmas. A day where everyone has been so happy. No negativity, no regret or remorse. I am so glad that I started this diary and I am so grateful for days like today and because I’m not gambling I get to look forward to another fabulous day tomorrow. Great times.

RR

Merry Christmas Everybody 

I take the 100th post on my diary to congratulate myself on 90 days gambling free. I pointed out that I’d be at 90 days on this special day way back at the beginning of my journey and I’m delighted that I’ve seen it through.

I was up before the kids this morning and was trying to wake everybody up by making clumsy noise - non stop flushing of toilets etc. Eventually, with everybody up we had an exciting time opening presents. I feel full of gratitude this morning.

I hope everyone has a fabulous day and for those poor souls who have had bad experiences with gambling in the past few days I hope you find it within yourselves to start recovery to ensure that next year is different. Ive masked my feelings in the past after my own brutal episodes and feel for all experiencing the same.

RR

So, Ive been looking into a serious challenge for 2020 which is something that I think resonates with my journey of recovery from gambling addiction. I think the challenge will be difficult, I think it will take lots of hard work, self discipline and a tremendous amount of blind faith. More than anything, just like my initial thoughts on living a life without gambling, I don't think it will be possible.

I am on the verge of accepting the challenge of running 2020 miles in 2020.

I don’t have the time. I don't have the discipline. I don't have the energy. I dont have the fitness. But, just maybe, this could be possible.

I would need to consistently run about 40 miles per week. I'm getting out about once per week for a 4 or 5 mile run. I would need to build up to this. This is where the blind faith comes in. If it takes time to build to 40 miles I would eventually need to run over 50 per week to make up the early shortfall.

I want to be fitter, thinner and both mentally and physically healthier. I believe these things will make me better, happier and enable me to continue my recovery.

I think I’m going to try to run 2020 miles in 2020.

RR

I run rr.. I cannot promise 2020 miles but will dedicate one of my weekly runs to you In The next decade.. Let's pound those pavements and tackle those  trail routes together RR roulette regret or RR road runner.. Mmmmm

????

In fact RR.. I wonder if I could ask could I join you InYour new year quest by adding some of my runs each week to your total. we could both help in reaching your goal and giving me an incentive to..

I tend to do 3.. To 6 miles perhaps 3 times a week. 

I understand if it is a personal ambition.. 

Boo ???

Let me know.. 

Thank-you for sharing on my journal. I found your post really raw when I read it earlier and didn't know what to say. It's sad when your folks treat you different from siblings. (Understatement). 

Look. I still dunno what to say but I do mean thank-you cos realising I'm not alone in some of my experiences makes me feel like I can rise above it and learn to let it go. 

That is all. 

Drama x

Every single day in these holidays I’ve woken up up just after 6am. d**n body clock. Even the kids are sleeping til 9am. Princess wife snoring away til 10am. I’d love to have one long, deep sleep. So is life, guaranteed I’ll struggle to get up for work on first day back. Typical.

Going to have a nice day today. I’m going to go out for a run this morning and work off some of this excess and then taking the kids for a cycle on their bikes. Tonight, we’re going out for dinner to a nice Indian restaurant which we love.

Recovery from gambling addiction affects us in so many ways. Lots of situations to deal with that take patience and blind faith. Our joint account is a riot and lots of money coming out over the past weeks. This would usually be a major concern for me and something that I would “fix”. Now I need patience. I need to sit with new situations and new feelings and just let them be. More than anything I remind myself that there is always a logical solution to a problem and gambling isn’t it.

Ive been restructuring debt this past week and I’ve managed to get my gambling debt moved to a 20 month zero percent card with no charge for the transfer. Great stuff. My wife’s c/c is worse than mine and I’m moving that to a card we have with with zero balance at 18 months zero percent. She’ll need to swallow the 3% balance transfer. 

Marriage and relationships are funny. My wife thinks I’m so good and responsible with money. She’s fairly brutal with her finances. She just wants to buy nice things all the time. She has debt and lots of nice things. I have debt with nothing to show for it. I’ve bailed her out several times - transferred her debt to mine etc. She doesn't know about my gambling debt and I wont tell her. She wouldn't know how to cope with that situation. My gambling was always secret and not from an account that she would see. I’ve managed to reduce my debt from 7200 to 5500. Its great that Ive managed that but makes me sad to think what else I could have done with that money. I need to start reducing how much I pay over the next 20 months. Take it slow. In a strange way the debt perhaps helps me not gamble and the reducing of debt encourages me to keep going doing what Im doing and living my life the way I have been for the past 90 odd days. One day it’ll be gone, I’ll have a few years of abstinence behind me and things will be better. Blind faith.

RR

Had an easy day today. Went a run. Didn't go out on the bikes with kids and didn't make it out to nice Indian restaurant - wife says shes feeling sick. Suspicious behaviour - never sick when going for her fave Chinese and no signs of sickness when stuffing Christmas mince pie in mouth earlier today.

Im really hoping for a good long sleep tonight.

RR