Worry and Regret

Nice 5 mile run this morning with my fastest mile of the year for my last mile. Made me happy.

Rubbish weather today so day in. Fish and chips tonight with a few beers makes for a relaxing night.

Checked my bank account today and compared it with same time last year and there’s a considerable difference which is as a direct consequence of not gambling. Small wins like this drive me forward with confidence.

Also, booked a summer holiday which is lovely and something to look forward to. 

RR

Happy with myself tonight.

Work was borderline horrendous from machinery breakdowns, vehicle breakdowns, material shortages and immense pressure from customers. I just worked through it all never allowing myself to get too stressed or down. At the end it all came together and achieved what was required.

Home after a difficult day and I forced myself out for a run in terrible running conditions. Ive ate well and healthy and not too much. Ive prepared everything for tomorrow and Ive spent nothing apart from a pint of milk at work. Ive not gambled and now Im relaxing with a cup of tea watching Bankcroft on catch up. Ill be having a nice shower soon and getting to bed at a decent time. Thats as goid as it gets for me. 

The old me would have got stressed at work, eaten about 5000 calories of junk as a coping mechanism, stopped for roulette on the way home, parked my bloated self on the couch and promise to do better tomorrow.

Ive ran 18 miles in the past 4 days and Im looking forward to repeating today tomorrow.

RR

Way to go RR.. 

Enjoy your sleep and your tomorrow 

? Boo 

Good stuff that man! 🙂

I actually enjoy running in the wet and wind as long as its not a full storm and the rain isn't too torrential. I prefer it to hot and sunny. I once had to knock on somebodies door to get some water, cos i'd completely misjudged my abilities in hot weather.

keep it tip... no slacking 😉

I’m having a nice day today. Kids dropped off at school and then out for a 7 mile run this morning. I posted my quickest 1k, 1mile and 10k time of the year on this run and my fastest mile was my last. I’m getting there. Much like gambling recovery I just need to keep going and keep doing what Im doing. With both gambling recovery and my running I get great enjoyment from not doing one and great enjoyment from doing the other and the longer this continues the better, happier and healthier I’ll be.

Thats all.

RR

Plenty of fresh air today. Been out for a 4 mile run this morning. Having nice rolls and sausage for lunch. This afternoon Im going a cycle with my boys and stopping at a lovely little village pub for a few beers (coke for kids) and then home for nice dinner. Simple pleasures.

Bad Dad yesterday. I went out with the boys for a big cycle and my youngest was on his bike and the brakes weren’t working. We went down a massive hill and when I got to the bottom I heard him screaming zooming down the hill. I jumped off my bike and tried to get to him but he hit a massive kerb and flew over the handlebars and luckily landed on a big patch of mud. Poor soul was screaming and got a real fright. Totally covered in mud. Poor fella totally lost his confidence after this and we were still a fair distance from home. Thank goodness for that kerb because after that was a road and the other side of that a six foot wall. He’s fine now. Brave boy.

Not got any plans for today. Wanting to go for a run but the pavements are icy and I’m waiting for this to thaw out.

When I was gambling sometimes I would have large sums of money in my account and nobody would know. I wouldn't spend any of it until I’d eventually lose it. Ive got money in my account now which I’ve saved and, again, I’m not spending it. I should pay it to my credit card debt or treat the family to something but I will just let it sit there. I am bad for this. I rarely buy myself anything nice. I’m always thinking about saving or paying off debt, always thinking 12 months down the line. 

RR

Incidentally, when my boy came off his bike yesterday a man was walking past and just kept walking by. What is up with human beings? This wasnt your average kid falling off a bike it was truly horrendous flying through the air type stuff. I would never walk past something like that.

Not wanting to go off in a rant but the world is going bonkers. Nobody wants to help others anymore. I was looked at like a weirdo recently because I vacated my seat on a train to give a lady a seat. Full carriage, lots of young men sitting and women standing. I’m not even old but when did this type of thing begin.

Nobody sees others needs anymore. The human race lacks empathy. Doesn't  matter how bad someone has it nowadays someone else always want to make out that their life is harder or they’ve got it worse. In recovery you read about gratitude but its not just addicts who need to focus on gratitude the whole of the human race need a lesson in this.

Crikey, that was a rant.

The pavements must have melted by now. I off out for a run.

RR

So sorry about what happened to your boy. It makes you think about the important stuff. Yes, there is something up with folk these days. I think the world can be very cold and I think that is why I found myself stuck with a machine spinning black and red for hours. I lost my connection to people because I don't get what they are about. It's all money and all about greed. My gambling was never about money. It was just a place to forget.

Hope he soon gets back to his usual self. Accidents are awful and they really shake you up as a parent. It's not what happened, it's what could have happened that stays with you.

Family is precious. I am glad to be able to spend time with mine now that I have kicked this awful habit.

Lost thank you for your reply. Ive been looking for your diary and can’t find it. I’ll search again later.

I’m in this routine now where I get home from work and cant really be bothered going for a run. Just had my dinner, feel full, tired etc but I make myself go, then I get home have a shower, jammies on, sit down for an hour of TV, check the forum etc and I feel absolutely fabulous. I used to be lazy, have little drive, stuck in a rut but not anymore. I am so grateful for this. My hour to myself at the end of the night and I love it.

RR

A story from past. In my 20s I went to Las Vegas where I encountered my first experience of casinos and most importantly roulette. The feeling of walking into that casino produced an incredible high that would lead me years down the line to despair and turmoil.

Back then I was very naive. If you gambled in the casino at a table you got free drink. I gambled minimum stakes, won and drank for free for 5 days. It was amazing.

Fast forward two years and I’d never been in a casino or played roulette since. I wasn't aware of roulette in bookies until I was away on a friend’s stag do. Lots of us away and drunk and many went to a bookies. I stayed in the pub because I didnt really gamble much back then. I walked in to find them after a while and they were all stood around a machine playing roulette. They’d lost their money and were asking me to put a tenner in. I say I was naive back then and winning a tenner was a big deal.

One week after the stag do I started going to bookies on my own. I loved it and couldn't wait until Friday which was the day I went. Always winning because I’d always collect. I could walk away with XX and feel amazing. Within a few months I won over a XX in an hour. Every number I picked would win that day and that is where it all went wrong. From that day on I wouldn't leave with small amounts. I was no longer naive. I knew how much could be won.

One night of terrible embarrassment witnessed me with a balance of over XX on the machine with a crowd of people watching on. Everybody was telling me to collect but cocky me wouldn't leave until I got over XX. I battled for ages until I lost the lot. I walked out embarrassed and appalled at what I’d become promising to quit. Of course I returned after a few days and continued like this for about 7 years.

I can never, ever recall a time when I bought myself anything significant with any winnings.

Back then it was mindless gambling with highs and lows. Later on it would start to affect me mentally. Not being able to sleep, concentrate or think about anything other than winning money. I would lie about my whereabouts, make up lies about traffic, working late etc. Eventually, I got to a stage where I was sure I wanted to stop. From then on I would gamble less but lose far more in one sitting. I played less but my debts would grow. 

There are lots of more stories and examples of my ability to be rash and cause myself financial and mental harm but ultimately I am trying my best to care for myself in a far better way. It has to be everyday and I’m far from perfect but in terms of gambling its needs to be perfect. It needs to be something that I don't do everyday no matter What life throws at me. Also, its not for nothing. My life gets better everyday.

Enough for now.

RR

Dear Admin,

I apologise for the detail in my above post and can see now how this could be upsetting or unsettling to other members.

I was aware that my diary doesn’t relate to much of my past and wanted to describe some of the experiences that I am trying to recover from. Having said that, I will bare in mind that values/figures can be detrimental to other users.

I extend my apology to the whole Gamcare community and I sincerely hope that my post didn't have a negative effect on anyone.

RR

I don't see that your post is triggering at all. This is your story. It's not a gambling promotion. Far from it. It's not glamorising gambling. It is telling how you fell for the trap. 

Talking about wins in the context of how it affected you mentally is not triggering in my opinion. After all, we have all won sometimes, that's why most of us are here. We all know that things can be great in the beginning. I had periods of winning every day without fail. I didn't realise that I was being conditioned to win. To make the win look easy. This went on for months and I built up plenty of funds. I became confident, arrogant and would smirk at those that worked hard each day for a living while I was spinning my way to a nice pay packet. How stupid I was.

One day, the winning stopped. I couldn't accept it. I chased the win, but it never came. I gave them back all that I had built up and all my family's savings too. I had built up the money over months, and I lost it in 6 hours. I never really recovered and still thought that winning was possible, because of how it had been before.

I then proceeded to carry this on for 2 decades, taking out loans, credit cards and building up debt. I thought I was smart, but now, still £20,000 in debt and having lost £20,000 in savings as well, I don't feel so smug. There is only one letter different in the words 'smug' and 'mug'. The first is how you feel when your gambling adventure begins. The other is what you feel when you realise you fell for the trap.

The way it all starts out, all fun, exciting, bells and whistles.....that's what gambling sells. The glamour, the fun, the excitement, the thrills.....then comes the roller coaster, constant ups and downs, but never coming close to getting back what you lost......and ultimately.....debt, despair, depression and self harm. Try adding that to the gambling adverts....I wonder would that sell?? No. I don't think so. You fell for the illusion of gambling, just like most do. The reality is ending up on sites like these, telling our story and clawing our way back to life.

Like you, I also don't think my diary says much about my story. It is called 'last chance to make a change'. It's how I felt at the time, a few years ago. It was either leave this life behind, or I'd be dead. 

I haven't really told my story very much on here. I used to comment on another website called Rethink gambling but it closed down. My diary on here kind of picks up where that left off but it doesn't talk much about how I got into all this mess.

Keep the fight because no matter what happens in life, it is so much easier to deal with without the shackles of addiction.

All the best to you on your journey as a non gambler.

Ive just returned from a 8 mile run and I feel very happy with myself. I’m getting fitter and I’ve stayed dedicated to this long after most historical New Year resolutions have long since faltered. Its feels good.

Yesterday was a difficult and stressful day at work fighting through one disaster to the next. I stayed late on my own and worked through it. Got home late, no dinner, knackered etc. But I got through it and now I’m having a good day today.

The old me would have gambled. I would have escaped and thought that winning money might make everything better. As it is, it was just a day. I didnt run from it,  I didnt hide I just rolled up the sleeves and battled through it. With 120 days gamble free under my belt it makes sense that this is how life should be approached. Some days will be good and some wont but they only ever last 24 hours at a time. 

Going to watch my little princess at her school show this afternoon. Going to enjoy that. Going to enjoy being present in the moment with nothing to worry about and being able to just watch and be happy. Simple life, simple pleasures.

P.S. Note to self. I had money in my bank the day before payday in the month after Christmas. This is what happens when you don’t put it into a machine.

RR

Doing mighty fine that man! 

Right am off for a run... its gotta be done!! 🙂