You have to start somewhere.

Hi Ross,

I jusr read you posts in the newcomers section but thought id post on your diary.

First of all well done on coming on here. It may not feel like it at the moment but its a big step to just come on here and admit that you have a problem.

Your story is so similar to mine for years i just went through life with the sole purpose of finding money to gamble. I stole from ex partners, i stole from ex jobs, i stole from friends, i stole from family....i basically did whatever i could to get my hands on money so i could gamble it. I completely isolated myself from friends and family and I am only now starting to mend some of these relatinships. All of this led to a half hearted attempt to kill myself many years ago.

Even that didnt stop me from gambling completely and although it never got back to the point where i was stealing I have managed to get myself into large sums of debt which will take me a life time to pay back.

I am now 300 days free from gambling and if i can offer one piace of advice it would be to pick up the phone to Gamcare. Speak to someone...get some counselling or even better go to GA. Until you start t deal with the issues that cause you to gamble im afraid that you may never stop. I have been going to counsellingnow for near 10 months and it was the best decision i ever made. If i can do it anyone can do it believe me.

Keep posting and keep doing what you need to do to stop yourself from gambling. It does you now good.

I wish you all the best.

Damo

Hi Ross,

Most people start their diary at their lowest point but like you've noticed, this is a great way of marking progress as you get further down the line of recovery.

You can't change the past, the earlier you try to accept it and rebuild the better. You can prove to your family that you are not defined by a roulette wheel, but this takes time. Put as many blocks in place as you can to stop gambling, self exclusion and online blocking software is the best IMO.

This is the start of a new and better life for you. I've had a few slips but the main thing is to hang in there and keep trying. You can do this!

Regards and good luck

James

Thank you, I already feel a little bit better knowing im not alone. Reading other peoples diaries does help to give some perspective, as well as putting plenty of fear that theres no quick fix we all wish there was. It's still day 1, I'm finding it difficult to manage my time. For so many years my spare time has been ruled by one thing its left me with a massive void to fill.

Thank you, I already feel a little bit better knowing im not alone. Reading other peoples diaries does help to give some perspective, as well as putting plenty of fear that theres no quick fix we all wish there was. It's still day 1, I'm finding it difficult to manage my time. For so many years my spare time has been ruled by one thing its left me with a massive void to fill.

Ok so nearing the end of day 1 and its been an emotional one. I have been struggling to see past all my issues, and done a hell of a lot of self pity. Then got battered and drowned in a ridiculous storm, so the 1st day was going terribly....had an interview which went very well and things seemed a little brighter, got two more tomorrow so theres a bit of hope there. Thrn I got home to face thr inevitable music from my parents, I had recently stole from them to feed my habit. Now this was something I really wasn't looking forward to, it was going to be painful music, like listening to abba's greatest hits on repeat for eternity....but I did it, I took off my pink glittery knickers and got into my man pants. For the first time in what feels like a lifetime I faced up to my problems rather than running away. I must admit it was so so hard, there was plenty of tough love and a lot of crying involved, but it really hit home how lucky I am, that my family want to still help me after all I've done, that I've got three beautiful children that adore me. Now for the first time in my adulthood I feel I can genuinely beat this....and I will beat this, I want to remember what it feels like to have pride, I want to feel happiness. Note to future self, this is you at your very lowest just see how far you've come!!! Day 1 over

In the early days it is so easy to be filled with thoughts of the negative impact of our gambling and, of course, this is inevitable. Whenever you are able and feel you deserve it don't forget to give yourself credit for not running away anymore and choosing to tackle your problem rather than burying your head in the sand.

Every day without gambling is a huge achievement. In the words of Heather Small in a song that was my anthem and inspiration for many months; 'What have you done today to make you feel proud' ...... Not gambled!! That will do nicely.

Hi Ross,

Took real courage to be honest so give yourself a pat on the back. You are going to have good days and bad days my friend but as I said before just do whatever it takes to get through ut without gambling.

Have you thought about counselling or GA? Show your family you want to do this....get the support you need to stop for good.

Damo

So here we are day 2. Woke up feeling exhausted after yesterday, was a very emotionally draining day. But its been a very good start, by 9 oclock I have been offered a job with two other interviews still to go. Im full of positivity, I have something to strive for. My mum is looking after my money so I can't gamble, obviously payday will be the first big test, bit as it stands im still in the motivated honeymoon period, just going to try and ride it as long as physically possible. Then im trying to plan ahead give myself goals. The first one is xmas, I have a lot of debts so I can't go crazy, but it'd be really nice to treat those close to me, the ones ive really made to suffer. Day 2 and im on my way at least

No she's in full control of my money. She has the card all the logon details online. I just mean I would previously exploit any situation possible, making up stories to gain money. Im just hoping that the temptatipn of knowing theres money in my account doesn't result in any stupid actions on my behalf. At the moment im extremely positive and having an excellent day 2 having been offered two jobs now. I just know it wont last forever and I hope the things we've put in place will be enough to stop me from gambling

Good news on the job front and coming clean. Don't keep anything back get it all out if you don't it will only come back to haunt you further down the line

KTF

Thank you very much im feeling a lot better. I start thursday. Tomorrow is my last day of community service, and I have payment plans to set up for debts so things are looking up. Im off to a mental health group therapy session to help with some of the underlying issues, just got to keep up with it now

So end of day 2. I start a new job on thursday which is a massive positive. Ive been to a mental health therapy group tonight and spoke for 45 minutes then offered advice to others, always good for the soul. Im still having the odd bad thought. I was thinking about it and I remember seeing an interview with the country's top sports psychologist. He said everyone has a naughty monkey in their head, some are more mischievous than others, but everyone needs to control that monkey to be able to show their true selves, now I've caged that tree swinging lil b****** but I can still hear his rants and wittering on. Over time I need to force that cage further and further back in my mind to stop the bad thoughts, and simply never let him escape. It will come with time. End of day 2 and I'm still positive.

Sounds like a hectic first 2 days Ross. Congrats on the job offer and well done for coming clean about everything to your family. When everything settles down and your day count starts going up, things start to improve quickly.

All the best.

Day 3 and back to Earth with a bang.....literally. in a fab mood this morning, last ever day at community service and a new job tomorrow. Get to community service and I slipped off a wall down three foot to another wall where my back took the full force leaving me in agony. A trip to hospital later and im in serious doubt whether I can actually work. Im going to work through pain because I simply have to. But its going to be hard. Also its hard dealing with the resentment from people close to me. I know it was always going to happen, but when youre fighting this addiction its do hard to deal with abuse as well. Im fully aware I deserve every bit of it. But I just had this fantasy that everyone would be so happy for me to finally get sorted. Bit of a painful wake up call. However Im 3 days gf so theres always a positive to try and find.