5 years on

Hello

not sure if it’s ever really a success story, or just another step on the never ending road of recovery, but I got to thinking tonight about how long it had been since I had gambled, and that prompted me to check my gamstop account.

my 5 year exclusion period that I signed up to after hitting, without question the lowest point in my life, had expired in march this year. after seeing this, I quickly signed up for another 5 years and felt bloody fantastic about how I didn’t even flinch at the idea!

I then thought about the dark days after I was able to admit I had an addiction to gambling; explaining to my wife what I had done and the impact it had had on our life, the guilt, the shame, thoughts of ending it all (I don’t type that lightly) and that brought me back to this forum to revisit my posts from that time.

re-reading my initial thoughts on this forum made me do several things; cringe, cry, smile, re-Live the guilt, but above all, an overwhelming sense of achievement and pride at the progress I have made in the last 5 years. Dark times have to come first.

I am in a completely different place now compared to then; after being sure my marriage was over and I would lose my family, we somehow began to heal. My role in this was simple, be transparent and don’t gamble. We all know in reality that this is the opposite of simple for an addict, but understanding how your family see your addiction is critical to your recovery, and I took that as a challenge to maintain recovery and rebuild my (and subsequently our) life and so far I have held firm.

lets be honest, the addiction we all suffer from can never be truly cured. I still see Tv adverts for betting sites and think about whether I could ‘control it’ this time, or re-live that rush of a rare win, but it is only a fleeting memory now, time really does heal but although you absolutely have to forgive yourself before you can move forward, never forget why you made that decision to stop, it is absolutely crucial!

Whatever step on this never ending road you are on, please never lose faith; I was as deep in as you could be, I lied about money, where I was, what I was doing, why I was so angry (after covering up another loss usually) and gambling nearly cost me my marriage, my son, and my life.

you can beat this, whatever stage in your recovery you are at you 100% can conquer it, one step, one day, one week at a time.

if you relapse, understand the reasons, deal with your emotional response and go again, just reading this is all the assurance that you need that you are serious about recovery.

I am a gambling addict, and I haven’t gambled for 1,956 days. I hope anyone that reads this can celebrate this milestone and beyond on their journey, the pain and temptation never truly goes, but life without gambling is so, so much better!