Weird isn’t it aln how you’ve talked down to pretty much everyone who’s disagreed with you today , why is that?
Where did I advocate any form of betting? I didn’t and I don’t.
If I was you I’d think about stepping away from the computer for a while as it seems you’re wound up.
On a side note if you’re on step 6 after 6 months I’d think about getting a new sponsor as obviously this one is rushing you through them.
What was I after then??!
I’ve actually had a really positive discussion tonight on a chat. Not once have you said anything positive to me. Just doom and gloom. I know it’s tough, I’ve cried enough tears, shouted, screamed, talked but I can’t continue doing that. I’m looking for solutions. My husband is at a different stage- he is younger and he hasn’t worked up thousands of debts. Yes he has thrown money away on this horrible addiction but we aren’t on our knees with it. He has had a relapse and we are dealing with it together. After 7 years GF then admittedly I did get complacent but I realise now there is no room for complacency.
All f&f want to believe the CG and move forward but the reality is they can and do play on that to carry right on and in doing so potentially drag everyone around down with them.
Asking for advice means hearing things you might not want to.
I’m fully aware that I won’t like everything I hear on this and hear what my husband has to say but my point still remains that I’m looking to move forward.
Eij,
Change is possible. You and your husband just need to want it.
CJ.
The suggestion is that looking for solutions for him, dealing with his relapse together with him, involves you taking on a responsibility that’s his and not yours. It’s his addiction, his responsibility, his choices. For this reason, “the solution” as to how you can make him stop doesn’t exist. Long term, the Twelve Steps programme is the answer to addiction and codependency. Shouting and screaming and tears are all natural reactions but as you say, not long term. Get help for you.
Also, addiction is progressive if it’s unchecked. The gambling is an emotional problem with financial consequences. It’s not the other way round.
CW
He is taking on the responsibility too- of course he is. He wants to beat it and I want him to beat it too so as his wife, I want to support him as much as I possibly can. Thanks CJ
ALN - why do you not say to CJ that it was an excellent post? Are you not able to be positive at all? Genuine question
Just a reminder of our forum etiquette: https://www.gamcare.org.uk/frontline-services/chatroom-and-forum-etiquette#.VEEgk_ldXww
Aln we’ll have to agree to disagree, in all the years I’ve been coming to this site I’ve never seen a f&f come under such a sustained attack from an addict.
Perhaps you could fill us all in on what you perceive to be recovery?
What you’ve changed since you stopped gambling?
From the forum etiquette:
"...Please show consideration and respect for other users and for their opinions.
Be sensitive to how your messages may be viewed and perceived by others.
...Before offering advice, Remember, ... what works for you may not work for everyone.
...In accordance with policy and procedure, GamCare staff will delete or edit posts (this is known as “moderation”) that are deemed to be against the purpose of Forum or Chatroom services".
Could forum members pay attention to the tone of their posts, and remember the purpose of the forum is to share peer support.
It was definitely taken the wrong way then. Not the best start to my time on this site but at least I can see that some people can understand where I’m coming from. Hope you manage to stay gamble free
Wow! What are you all doing? We are entitled to opinion. We are all trying to move forward whether that is with blinkers or not. We are all here for the same reason. Yes you will hear what you don't like, you might also hear something important. We all think differently. From personal experience the person I want to help is me. Once I can see where I am going wrong and that in a normal healthy relationship (whatever that is) you don't have to make excuses for your behaviour or partner. Gambling is using, just like drugs. It's escapism. For some it's compulsive. That means no stopping. Therefore that person needs to find a way to cope without it. You cannot stop them. They will go on until they realise that for themselves. Encourage attendance at meetings or counselling or talking. The thing to remember is you are both part of this and therefore you both need to change.
Eij
We care about you and you need to know how powerful this addiction is. You can love someone but you can not let it be a blind love when facing the problems that a gambling addiction causes.
It works along the lines of a drug addiction. It has less to do with the money and more to do with the craving to gamble. In simplistic terms its like an urge for a cigarette or other drugs...medical experts are now putting gambling in the same chapter as substance abuse.
A gambling addiction controls the mind for its own ends. It thinks nothing of partners and children that need a loving home. It is an illness and until the addict seeks help and the mind starts healing it needs to be treated with the fear and respect it deserves.
Ive eaten cold beans in a flat with no electricity on for a week but I was still back gambling. Thats wandering around in the pitch black and crawling into bed with suicidal thoughts. Ive thought of shoplifting for food and its only down to my long suffering family that I kept eating. I lied about the reasons and then waved them cheerily goodbye before gambling most the money they left me with. It gets a whole lot worse than that for gamblers and its easy to see how more serious fraud and criminal records for shoplifting soon follow
We are not saying that gamblers are inherently bad people. I am saying that I was ill and needed all the help available. I recovered but can never be complacent. I was ready to lose the trust because the alternative was secrets lies and walking home on a cold night feeling suicidal...certainly no money for a bus after one of my gambling binges.
So knowledge is strength and you have to look after yourself as the non gambler. Im sorry to say that you have to protect the finances so you have a roof over your head. Its not about treating him like a baby. Its about saving yourself and him from spiralling downwards.
He has to be ready to stop and seek help though. If he is not ready it may all be too tough. You can help but its from a position of strength.I wont skirt around the issue that some people need to get some distance from their partners.
Full exclusion blocks...preferably no cash at all and monitored cards with low access limits...anything that does need cash...a haircut for example well you can see if thats been done.
Thats the level it goes to. There is no room for complacency. Is he ready and are you ready for that?
So you will see tough words here and you are not to take them personally. We have seen so may partners get badly hurt by this addiction. Its not your fault so start protecting yourself. we are not saying that gamblers are inherently bad people but they are addicted and not in control
It can be beaten with abstebtion and a good recovery. A compulsive gambler can not be trusted with money so you need to deal with it now from a protected position.
With the right measures a full recovery is the right way to go. With love and the right help......you know your relationship. I just want you to be fully aware what you are dealing with.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
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