What can i do?

Hi Claire

I can't give you the CG's point of view but standard advice for friends and family is to protect your own finances, ask for proof of everything your CG says relating to money - preferably taking control of the finances to protect the household and to put yourself and your needs first. You can't control whether he gambles or not but there's no reason to keep secrets for him or to walk on eggshells.

Hi Claire, welcome to the forum 🙂

Unfortunately, what we want & what we need are poles apart. I thought I wanted a mind reader to step in & stop me gambling when truth was, I was the only person who could stop myself and what I really wanted was a scape goat so I could continue & have someone else to blame. Fortunately, what I got was someone who refused to buy into my crazy scheme. My now hubby took control of my finances (well took about 15 bank & credit cards plus all my internet passwords) so that I couldn't gamble in secret anymore. I qualify this because I still had to manage the bills & he never scrutinised my credit reports which I would recommend to any loved one accepting this responsibility. It's pretty demeaning for us having to ask for pocket money or produce receipts to the penny for any cash that we have but it was needs must for me.

There is no right way to deal with it & the best advice I can give is look after yourself, trust nothing he or you can't prove & arm yourself to the teeth with knowledge. Call the helpline, get to a GamAnon meeting, maybe even consider counselling (GamCare will provide this free of charge) because living with us especially if we are active can be incredibly painful. If he tells you about urges, be glad that he's fighting & distract him if possible.

What I wanted then was to gamble, now the fog has cleared, I want him to be supportive of my recovery because stopping gambling is about way more than just money. In learning to live with our addiction, we have to figure stuff out about ourselves which can be challenging & painful. For some that means their partners go to meetings as many times a week as they need to go, for me it's meant many hours on the internet & him putting up with horrendous mood swings that I used to mask because of guilt.

Hope this is of some use. Look after you - ODAAT

Hi

When I lied I caused myself and other pains.

The recovery program helped me understand that I could not do it on my own, to become healthy I needed to listen learn and relate from other people, to see and feel myself in other people and their experiences healthy and unhealthy.

The gambling establishments were places I went when I was emotional vulnerable and could not cope with people life and situations.

Long before my addictions and my obsessions I was risk taking, I was stealing, I was not being honest and open.

A time came when I decided to become selfish, to put as much effort in to my recovery as I put in to my addictions and obsessions.

I use to think that the recovery program was going to control my life, this was not so, the recovery program was going to help me heal from the pains of my past, not just from the addictions but to help me heal my hurt inner child.

I had unfortunately got in to the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my feelings and my emotions.

The recovery program is all about healing for me, healing from the pains of self abuse but more importantly healing the hurt little child in me.

In the recovery program I would embrace healthy spiritual values yet I am not a religious person.

By being in the recovery program we heal from the pains of our past the pains of the past become our strength today. I understand today that by going to the recovery program and sticking with it, I am not only a survivor but more importantly I value myself more than ever before. I set boundaries for myself and my well being, by set boundaries for myself I am no longer the victim and I value myself.

For me the recovery program is not about who is right or wrong, is not about who is good or bad, it is for me about myself becoming a healthier person emotionally, becoming a healthier person who respects all spiritual values, non religious of course.

The recovery program was going to help me help myself become more healthier and more productive.

The recovery program was not going to stop me gambling that had to be my own daily choice.

The recovery program was going to help me exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

By going to meetings I would learn from other people.

By going to meetings I would relate to other peoples therapies.

By attending the recovery program in time I would start to feel and heal.

Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham