Hi
Why did it feel like my addiction controlled me in so many ways.
That I felt lost confused, inept inadequate hopeless that I was so powerless so helpless that I had no value in my self that I felt so worth less.
I use to think that I loved gambling it was the most important thing in my life.
On walking out of the gambling establishments was I in pain, what levels of fear stunted every sense and feeling in my body.
Not doing it just once but time after time.
Why did my emotional age and physical age match up or were equal.
Was Gambling an adrenaine rush based on so many pains so many fears that I could not see any chance of escaping my self.
Every day seemed like I was anxious nervous and panicking nearly all the time.
It seemed that money had no value.
It seemed that I as a person had no value.
It seemed that I was in a spiral down motion to self destruction and a spiral down motion of self painful to a point of zero.
Walking in to recovery I felt like a complete failure.
My promises were a complete waste of time and breath.
No matter when my last bet I was advised to keep going to meetings.
Learn from every last painful emotional trigger.
Then attending more than one meeting per week, jus so that I could be clean for a few days.
My understanding of how much fear I lived in was some times anxious, most times nervous, and on extrme times I reached a state of panick when I could not work out the healthiest simplest of decisions.
Before during and after wards my focus was on staying out of peoples ways waiting for the big explotion of self destruction.
My pains caused fears in me that seemed a way of life.
Always living on the edge of being found out.
Always scared of my own shadow.
No amount of money or lies would make me be a healthy productive person.
A healthy productive person success is based up on healthy actions, healthy motives, and healthy words.
How can being a low self esteem self destructive person be succesful.
The addictions and obsessions just indicated how emotionally vulnerable I was.
Then the big light bulb moment that the word recovery means healing.
The gambling estbalishments never made me Gamble, that was my choice.
The gambling estbalishments never hurt me hurt my self.
The gambling estbalishments never lied to me I lied to my self.
How much time and effort am I willing to invest in to healing the hurt inner child in me.
That daily choice was mine.
How much time and effort am I willing to invest in to exchanging unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
Healing Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
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