I am so so so *******. My partner was found out last week gambling after promising he had stopped. I told him then that I would support him, but that he needed to sort himself out and get help. I also said I have no more chances left in me and that if I found him gambling again it would be over.
I appreciate many of you think this is a very hard line but I am not prepared to go through what so many of the women on here have before.
He was all pleased with himself and told me he had booked a counselor who specialised in addiction.
He went to see her last week and like I said was all pleased with himself.I opened his bank statement today to discover not only has he gambled 585 this month but he has gambled 100 since we talked 2 weeks ago. I am gutted, and furious.
I texted him at work and told him I had found out. he came back and said his counselor says that to give up completely is not the best approach and he needs to write down his feelings when he feels like gambling etc. She also apparently told him not to block the online sites he uses.I told him I think that's a crock of ****.
Now he is angry with me because I am not supporting him, like I told you I offered him support two weeks ago, and last year and he has betrayed my trust. We have 4 kids between us, I have to buy clothes on sale or in the supermarket we never go out. I paid for our holiday last year. How many chances am I supposed to give him?
Hi wishful
Firstly I'd like to say how sorry I am that you too are in this situation
If any CG who has been to counselling disagrees please feel free but form what I have learnt over living with a CG for 15 years is - no decent counsellor will advise against putting blocks in place etc
I think it's another deception from you partner.
I myself have been thro this year in year out with my husbands binge gambling. Running tens of thousands of debts up which he hid from me and tried to run from himself.
4 weeks ago I'd had enough. I learnt what my breaking point was. Did I want to live a life where I couldn't trust him. NO
did I want to live my life the way I had been. NO
Did want my children seeing this self destruction and allowing him in turn to destroy us. HELL NO
he says I ended our marriage he says it's my fault that my children don't have their dad in their life any more he says my kids will suffer without him. No they won't. His choice to gamble lie and get into horrendous debt not mine and not the kids.
A CG will often turn the blame on others around the rather than accept responsibility for their own actions. Don't be sucked in. You didn't do it, you didn't force him
No one can advise what's best for an individual to do about their marriage/relationships. Each persons breaking point is different.
All I can say is recovery is something he has to do alone and want to do. He has to prove himself.
Protect yourself financially. Make sure he can't get to your accounts savings cash anything.
I wish you luck I really do x
Shelly
Hello Wishful
sorry to hear its happened again
Although i'm not familiar with all counselor styles using blocks and strategies is essential in my recovery.
what I might suggest is if his counselor really does believe this could you ask to have a joint session with his counselor to discuss this?
All the best wishful
Triangle
Hi and thanks for your comments. he is telling me now that he has spoken to his counselor and she has explained what she meant and he completely misinterpreted what she had said. He said he is sorry- that is a first he has never apologised to me for anything, he just mopes about looking like a guilty puppy until I forgive him.
I really don't know where to go now. I am angry and hurt but also so so sad. We will not stay together without help. I can't bring myself to talk to him just yet, I know, very mature! How do we get past this? How do I learn to trust and respect him again when he has lied to my face time and time again, and given us a life of worry and deprivation?
apologies for my language in my original post. I was upset x
Hello wishful1,
It sounds like your partner would have to earn your trust back and in the meantime you are left to look after 4 children, which is a demanding job in itself, even in an ideal situation. It might help you to talk to a counsellor yourself in order to work things out and manage your relationship. Boundaries are important when it comes to dealing with a gambler and you need to develop strong boundaries to keep yourself safe, until he gets things under control.
Free counselling sessions are available through GamCare and we're open from 8am until midnight, 7 days a week, so do not hesitate to contact either the HelpLine on our freephone 0808 8020 133. Alternatively, you can use the Netline:
http://secure.gamcare.org.uk/netline
Wish you all the best,
Ana
thanks for your reply Ana. I am seeing a CBT therapist as I have had bad depression this year. he has helped me to clarify my feelings. We have spoken and he has given me full access to his bank account, control of the family budget and access to his phone. He is seeing his councellor and is trying to get software on to all the gadgets he can bet from- although he is experiencing some difficulties with this as they keep crashing.
I am happy that he is taking all the necessary steps to prevent his gambling, we just need to work on our trust and communication issues.
Thanks for your advise, I may come back and speak to one of your councellors at some point. Are they available to those outside England?
Hello Wishful1,
I am glad to hear that things are getting better. GamCare services are for UK residents. We can signpost to other services also.
Good luck with your sessions and stay in touch,
Best wishes,
Ana
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