anyone out there notice conpulsive gambler they dealing with has difficulty with experiencing emotion (appears not really feel distressed, anxious) and also total lack of both sympathy and empathy (can only intellectualise and theories were about emotion - I can understand that a person may feel that way if I do this but can't genuinely get a sense of what that feels like)? I'm talking in all contexts - not just when being in denial or projecting blame as consequence of gambling and lying etc
my husband came willingly to relationship counselling session to try to address things and it's so evident he can't feel- counsellor asked him to try to feel the fear of this terrifying situation and he said he can't. I believe he can't as it's evident in how he behaves - just wondering if this is a common thread. at the end he genuinely mused as to whether there was any reason he should change and work on understanding emotions vs me trying to not have them etc. I explained that it's in his interest to stop self destructive behaviour and for him to have normal healthy relationships but it's not hitting home.
Hi lttf yes my husband says he has no feelings. Doesn't like talking about stuff. Doesn't have empathy, doesn't care how I feel. Impatient, will change queues a dozen times. There are a few glimmers sometimes but not often. He also has depression and on meds so I don't think that helps. Never a dull moment!
It's such a sad state of affairs. Really is. Of course objectively we can sympathise with people grappling with addiction but it's so hard to get over the impact it has on us especially if we're trying to cope with lack of compassion from partner generally.
I just noticed themes in what husband says about gambling - does it because he's bored, sometimes finds gambling boring, can't be bothered to stop gambling almost ... gets restless on time off work- always seeking to be occupied whether working, gaming etc. Only gambles alone, frustrated with other people not agreeing with his viewpoint - plus the lack of feeling. Almost like gambling may have once filled a void where there is nothing but then it has become boring, then lies become addictive and perhaps exciting, then the drive to "fix things" (financially- as this is only what he sees) and then this gets fixed, then gambling re starts ... always needs to be striving etc. No lasting effects to warn against repeating cycles as not left with any feelings to relive etc. I'm seeing the addiction and lack of "emotional intelligence" as linked.
Just wondering if likely driving force in gambling or consequences or both.
Hello all :))
So from the thought's of a Compulsive Gambler ! .
I don't know how long your partners have stopped gambing for but I'm coming up for nearly 2 yrs and I know that my emotions and feelings are well and truly back now , when I gambled there was nothing really I was just going through the motions of pretending to be in the room during conversations and yet all the time being focused on my internal dialogue which was comparing races and odd's and working out a plan to get some me time to gamble with .
It took me a while to notice my feelings return and I'm not sure if in the begining it was just sadness and sorrow for what I'd done , I'd be happy one day and down the next and crying my eyes out but over time this has definately changed and when speaking with people I can definately connect more with their feelings and feel genuinely closer to my loved ones which I think is down to being able to share again , I no longer have to cover things up or hide what I'm trying to do.
Gambling's so strange in what it makes you do in terms of behavior and looking back now I can really see that but at the time it seemed all quite normal , it's also a very solitary thing those that gamble online usually do so when alone or secretly tucked away somewhere , even when I gambled which was always in a high st bookies , there would be loads of people who I'd seen there for many years but they were just like me and I'd be hard pressed to give you a name , so I belive that isolation for many years of addictive gambling then continues initially at least into the first months of abstinance and we simply have to learn to intigrate again with society and eventually our loved ones , I think for all of us there is a heart in there somewhere but it can take a while for it to surface again .
Best wishes to you all :))
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