Am I kidding myself?

Sounds like he doesnt want to stop. He refuses to actually take any steps to arrest his addiction. Protect yourself & your children Katie firstly then insist on financial control of the families money. Get him to attend GA. Offer your support only on these conditions. Sometimes hard choices need to be made because without change nothing changes.

I remember replying to you Katiecola. Your share touched me. Given that compulsive gambling can be an addiction but not everyone is an addict, is it unreasonable that your husband shows willing like day@atime says? Truth is nothing would have got me to get help until I was ready and perhaps this is why its brilliant your getting support through your family and counselling.

Whatever choice you make try and give yourself time to make the right one and then stick with it unless the situation changes in which case you can review.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It just hurts me so bad that even after I have told him I'll stick by him he won't stop. He makes the choice to continue and leave us. I will never understand that. He can't really love us if he makes this choice can he? He is a completely broken man but he won't accept help from me- he would rather leave.

You're doing everything you can, everything I could suggest. I saw my man in a similar hopeless state, i did lose hope and let go but he couldnt leave as he could get anywhere to live so he was a rather smelly pice of furniture for a while, but then he decided to rescue himself and it wasnt a gradual thing, suddenly he just picked himself up, brushed his teeth got in the shower, put clean clothes on and started the washing up. All he said was that he would start the GA meetings again and he did and he's gone from strength to strength with them. I dont think we can understand the depths they have to go though before the real motivation to change hits them, or how often they will return to that point, but I'm glad i waited for him. I'm also glad i stopped chasing him too if you know what i mean, i was beating my head against a brick wall, i had to let go.

I cannot tell you how long the wait will be, but I know the change was sudden and there was no warning here. He's not the man i married, he's kinder and more loving than that now, So have hope, you cant change him, but he's not set in stone, theres some inexplicable process going on in that mind and its taking him somewhere, it could be worth the wait.

Hi pangolin

so much of what you say rings true with me-especially the smelly piece of furniture!!

The thing is I will wait for him but he won't give me the chance. I can only support him if he is prepared to give me full financial control. I can't sit back calmly when I can't check on his credit cards. Because he can and will continue to get us further into debt. But he chooses not to let me because that means I'll see when he gambles. I have the faith in him but he doesn't. I'm hoping when the tablets kick in he will see some hope. Thanks so much for replying.

Hi Katiecola,

My partner is a gambler and I took control of his financies after his mum had had enough of doing it and unfortunately, he continued to gamble. He would constantly ask me for money for rent, petrol, food, going out with his friends and I had no idea that he was actually still gambling. In the end, after a lot of stress and careful consideration, I gave him back his card as he had been doing well for a little while and for me to be able to trust him completely, I needed to do it. Unfortunately, even though he said he knew what the rules were and he would never gamble again, it took him 2 days to go back into the bookies after he had his card back. I had spent my day off going with him and self excluding him from the local bookies and I even praised him and told him how proud I was of him for doing that, but he failed to tell me one of the places that he always went to. So as soon as he had his freedom, he went and gambled there. I ended the relationship last sunday as I couldn't handle the gambling anymore and also the lying that goes with it. I was extremely supportive of him and he constantly told me that but unfortunately, he couldn't help himself. He says he needs help but I was always helping him to try and stop but he went behind my back. I found out after I received an email saying his bank statement was ready to be viewed and saw the damage he had done to his bank account. After I confronted him, he then told me what he had done.

Without sounding really harsh, I would really consider if this is the kind of relationship you would like. I could never completely trust my partner and always wondered when the next time he would gamble would be. I hope your partner is able to turn his life around for you.

Leanne

Hi Leanne

Thanks vey much for your reply. I hear your warning. A couple of my friends have said similar things to me. I have said the same thing to myself! I know that I can't ever trust him, never let my guard down. I'm not sure I can cope with living like that. I always want to give him the benefit of the doubt. He has already proved that he can't stop. I'm not sure he can turn his life around for me, his girls or himself. I want to believe he can do it even though he doesn't think he can. I know if the roles were reversed he wouldn't give up on me.

I admire that you have taken control of your life and made a positive decision for you. Part of me thinks that I'm so scared to be on my own-we have been married for 20 years-that it clouds my judgement. That and my 2 daughters who would be devastated. Thanks again for your reply-every bit of advise is warmly appreciated.

Hi Katiecola,

You are very welcome! 🙂 Myself and my family always gave my ex-partner the benefit of the doubt and because he had a difficult childhood, we always put it down to that. Once the trust has been broken, it is very hard to get that back. I'm 27 and he was my first boyfriend, so to me it was not really the kind of relationship that I wanted as my first! I gave my partner the chance to change his life around and hoped he would do it for me, but the gambling took over again. Now he realises how much I done for him and how much I loved him but its too late. I think you are a lot stronger than you think and I know that your 2 daughters will support you as they would want to see you happy. Is there any way that you could set up a Mobile Banking App so you could keep track of his account online? I found this helpful with my ex and he was very keen to let me do it even though I was looking after his card, which he and his family suggested that I do.

Hi Leanne

He is very resistant to put it online because of course I'll see when he gambles. But I know it needs to be done. I have cut up his card to the joint account but then he used the emergency facility at the cash point! I know what you're thinking - this man does not want to stop - and I know it too. I am aware that it doesn't look good. I know I can't give him chance after chance. But I also know he wouldn't give up on me if the roles were reversed. Thanks for your thoughts and advise. All ideas are welcome!

I would agree with katiecola that the trust issue, is the biggest problem, I find we can get through still being a loving couple without the trust. I open post etc whenever i want, and i tend to be reassured as theres nothing awful going on just now, but it saves alot of confrontations and questions if i can just go check and then let the worries go. Most of the time he doesnt know ive checked.

Protect yourself financially, it all you can do while you wait.

I had to let go of him before he hit the crisis ppoint that motivated hi to get help, so i see the ending and continuing of relationships as perfectly reasonable, you do what's right for you.

Hi I know you're right half- life. Thanks for your thoughts. We have a had a long talk this morning and I'm removing his name from joint account, gonna look into putting house in my name if possible. I'm planning to see a solicitor to know my options, run a credit check -all of which he agrees to. Still don't know what will become of our marriage but can't sit back any longer.

Can I just say thanks for everyone's comments and advise. It's so much appreciated.

i trust him with my life, but not my bank cards!

You definitely need to do what's right for you. Does he know exactly how you feel and how his situation is affecting you?

Hi Leanne

yes he does. Think that is why he says he's gonna leave so often so that he doesn't have to see me so upset! I've seen his credit report today and there is nothing on there that he hasn't told me. I'm just gonna put the financial steps in place to protect us. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. But I can always bite the bullet and end the marriage if he can't change. How are things for you now?