Anger

Hello Jimbo-07

I am really glad you have found your way to this forum, and I hope it can provide you with the support you need.

Problem gambling is cunning, powerful and baffling and has a detrimental impact on not only the problem gambler, but on everyone close.

It is really great to see that you wish to continue to support your wife, but we understand that this can be hard, and just so you know we do offer help for not only your wife but for you as well.

Along with our Forum we have Advisers available 24/7 to help you through this.  You can contact an Adviser by calling our Helpline on 0800 8020 133 or using our LiveChat option. 

I encourage you to contact us so we can discuss the best way to help you move forward.

Gam-Anon

I would also strongly recommend you have a look on the https://www.gam-anon.org   This is a website specifically for friends and families of people who are affected by problem gamblers. There is all manner of support on there for people who are and who have gone through the same experiences and many find this peer-to-peer support incredibly helpful.

Please continue to use the Forum where you will find connections, support and understanding.

Kind regards,

Tommy

Forum Admin.

I am not in your position as I am a compulsive gambler and you are not, you are an innocent bystander. But I would like to say that I agree with you that it would be very important for your wife to come clean to her family, It is not fair for you to live with a lie. Five years ago, I turned over all financial controls to my wife. My paycheck is direct deposited into her bank account to which I do not have the password. I relinquished my credit cards and debit cards and am no longer in financial messes due to gambling because I do not have access to money. My wife pays all the bills and buys me whatever I need. My point is that now we have a happy marriage, and I hope that you will find a solution that will, over time, allow you to once again have a happy marriage. I'm sure there is  a way, you just have to find it. Things can get better with the passage of time. 

How to persuade your wife to come clean to her family? I see that as the crucial thing that needs to be done. 

1) point out to her that you have empathised with her situation and are trying to help her and support her and doesn't it make sense that her family will probably do the same.

2) remind her that hidden secrets have a way of eventually being found out and wouldn't it be better to do it now, rather than wait til later when some slipup reveals her secret and when her relatives learn about it this way it will be much worse.

3) question her motives to find out the real reason why she doesn't want her family to know. Often, people in her situation have a reason that they are afraid to tell someone, and it may be different than what we think it is. Encourage her to talk about it, talk in a non-threatening environment, and sooner or later she may give a clue as to the thing that is the blocking point and you can find some way to address it and get her to realize that if she does the right thing, her situation will only improve, not get worse.

Maybe these suggestions will help? Best wishes, stay strong. 

Posted by: @jimbo-07

My beautiful wife admitted to me a couple of weeks ago that she has had a gambling addiction for far longer than we have been together. We have been together for 7 years and married for nearly 4. In the early days of us being together she inherited about 70k from her grandparent and up until her revelation I was under the impression that 50k of that was sitting in a bank account waiting to be used as the deposit for our first house together. 

 

We were literally just about to sit down for a phone consultation with a mortgage advisor a couple of weeks ago when she admitted that the money had been gambled away years ago and she had also recently got into another 15k of debt through gambling online slot machines. 

 

We have a 3 year old son and I was so excited to finally be in a financial position to be buying a house. This has literally turned my world on its head. Two months prior to this I was found on the kitchen floor having a seizure and was subsequently told I had a brain tumour. This was surgically removed within days and I was told I should live normally from now on. The past few months have just been too much to comprehend. 

 

My wife is a beautiful and incredibly intelligent woman and I know she has had some sadness in her early life that has no doubt led to the gambling addiction. After the initial shock and becoming incredibly angry (verbally) I quickly made a decision to help her as much as I can and stick by her no matter what. I can see that she has carried the lie with her throughout her adult life and how broken she is having to admit that she has lost everything financially and her fear of losing her family. I love her dearly and its breaking my heart too.

 

My problems are two fold. 

 

I believe that it doesn't take an expert to understand that whilst she think she has unburdened herself by being forced to admit to me that she has a problem. She refuses to come clean to her family who she is very close to. I understand her shame but I don't think she will get better until she confronts the issue with her family as the root cause of all this is surrounding them and the death of her mother when she was 17. She will continue to live a lie - except now she has involved me in the lie and I don't want to be! We see them regularly and I just am not the type of person to sit and smile and play happy families now I know about it. What do I do? I feel like the burden has been shifted entirely to me and me alone as she doesn't want me to share it with anyone.

 

I can't force her, I can't tell them and betray her trust. But I genuinely can't see any good can come of her continuing the lie. I am pretty certain her family will understand and help and give her love and support.

My second issue is ANGER. I love her and want to help her and have days when I can focus on showing her how much I support her. But I am also having moments and days where I just can't see a way out of our financial issues and what we have lost that I wanted so much. I get so angry at the situation and it comes out as sullen moods followed by explosions of anger at a naughty three year old. I am trying to protect her and tell her I'm not angry at her (it's the situation) but the reality is that I feel that our whole 7 years has been a deceitful lie and I am angry that she didn't share it with me before we got into such a mess. Anger - just so much anger and I haven't got an outlet for it. I am still off work recuperating from brain surgery and I find myself on days like today where I just want to curl up in a corner and die. So so depressing and woe is me but I can't help it. 

 

I'm trying my best to be positive and I know that the only way we can get out of this mess is me remaining strong and supportive but I feel like I am fighting a tidal wave of darkness. 

 

Suppose I am not really asking for help; just using this forum as an outlet for my anger and grief.

 

It sounds to me that u both need help I've gambled for 50 years and just gave up all my life I have ruined people's lives it's a illness but u should never give up on her if u love her just small steps and u b ok I promise 

Hello Jimbo and Welcome

Your emotions are a natural process so don't be hard on yourself. However you will need to talk them through even in counselling so they don't eat you up. Anger is a natural energy that must be channelled so it doesn't turn on you as it just affects your mental health in the end

It's not your fault and I understand your emotions.

You can not be expected to live a lie and you need to talk to her about that

You can be proactive and I would say that she needs reality checks that you may well warn others not to lend to her and you may well tell the truth where it is needed.

In life you need to tell her that you will do what you think is right and what makes you morally proud

The truth will set her free in recovery but I understand its a delicate situation

However she can't really get away with not facing her addiction like its a dirty little secret. If her family have substance they will understand that she is an ill person trying to get better

Nobody here is saying she is a bad person because we understand this addiction

Again you need to talk to her and say secrets will make you both ill

YOU SHOULD BE CONTROLLING ALL THE FINANCES AND YOU HAVE SOME DECISIONS TO MAKE WHICH WILL MAKE YOU FEEL MENTALLY BETTER.

She can recover with proper help but you may well need your own support and counselling to give you space and strength to help

PROTECT YOURSELF as this is as much about you. 

Best wishes from everyone on the forum