Hi there,
I am new to this and looking for some advice / understanding
I have been in a relationship with my best friend for the last 2 and a half years, and whilst it was far from perfect [he doesn't work and money issues caused some difficulty] I had never felt so loved or secure. He was unquestionably faithful to me, as he had been to his previous girlfriend.
We don't live together, and whilst I knew he was a problem gambler to an extent [we have known each other for 10 years] I was unaware of how bad the problem was. It came to light before Christmas, when he confessed all of the money I had lent him to pay back payday loan companies had in fact been gambled every time, and the debt was mounting. Thanks to the help of his supportive parents, the debt was dealt with and he signed up to a rehab programme that day. I was distressed about the money and the lies - as the only one earning, and supporting his lifestyle [as well as unknowingly supporting his addiction] I had been massively set back in my own goals and left myself in debt too, but stood by him without a second thought.
The programme was great for his gambling problem, and whilst we couldn't see each other he made his committment to me and to changing our lives very clear whilst he was there. He spoke of finding a job, us moving in together, and spending our lives together.
After the 3 and a half months away he returned and whilst he was no longer gambling [fantastic of course] little else had changed for the better. He began to drink more whilst we were out, and used me as an emtional punching bag, blaming me for his recovery not being what he wanted [when he was drunk]. He would threaten to gamble during arguments [for example, to get me to leave, or to agree to what he wanted] and would tell me when he gambles again it's going to be all my fault. I considered leaving because I couldn't stand the thought of being responsible for that, and his behaviour changed in a way that I no longer trusted his faithfulness to me.
6 weeks after returning, he ended our relationship bluntly and cut off all contact with me. 2 weeks later he confessed he had cheated on me with my friend and had been involved with her whilst we were broken up, but begged for me back telling me it was all a mistake. Of course, like a fool, I let him back in, and here we are 3 weeks later with him back to being unsure if he wants to be with me again [one night of drunken blame and namecalling down, and another anticipated tonight].
Sorry for all the detail. I've been working to try to understand how his addiction affects his behaviour, but I'm just not sure if the emotional back and forth and the betrayal is due to his addiction/ recovery or if he has just changed as a man? Is there any hope of this getting better or is this what I'm in for now?
Any advice / sharing would be so so appreciated. Feeling at a total loss. x
Hi Kit, welcome to the forum 🙂
Sorry to hear how appallingly you are being treated because yes, addiction does very much affect our behaviour but we still have choices. Recovery is hard work, he may not be gambling but he is drinking & cheating & I would suggest therefore not doing a great deal of recovery work @ the moment. A stint in rehab doesn't cure us (nothing does but we can arrest our addictions & become better people) & a few months of hard work is but the tip of the iceberg. I understand that he was your best friend but you have been lied to, stolen from, manipulated & cheated on & assuming it's not you doing the name calling (not that I would blame you), generally treated like a bad word starting with s & ending with hit...Why are you still with him? Reading from the outside, I would urge you to get help for you, either from the National Domestic Violence helpline 0800 2000 247 and/or the GamCare one to try & get a better handle on his behaviour & perhaps more importantly why you are willing to put up with it. We're great @ manipulating everything, laying our blame with everyone but ourselves & are very good @ constantly pushing boundaries. He's caused your pain & will continue to do so as long as you will put up with it...Time to find a way to look after you since he clearly isn't doing so. Hopefully some of the other loved ones will be along soon with some better support. If he starts tonight, ask him to leave or get yourself somewhere safe...Take care of you - ODAAT
Dear kit11 that's a shocking story for someone who seems to be doing all the work for very little return. I don't think infidelity is part of addiction. There is a lot going on and I think you have got debt that isn't yours. Don't pay a gamblers debt, let them live with it as a constant reminder. Unfortunately he seems to have substituted one bad behaviour for another involving alcohol. He sounds very angry. So you need to realise you can't fix him, stop giving him money. Unfortunately the more money you give a gambler to pay debt, the more they gamble. You haven't signed up for any of this and you don't have to put up with it. It sounds very damaging especially when you say 'you're his emotional punch bag'. Please make sure you are safe, call the helpline. think long and hard about whether this is what you really want.
Thank you both for your responses. Your words [along with reading a lot on the forum] helped me to find some strength today where I didn't think I had any.
Unfortunately tonight was much of the same. He got drunk, phoned me to pick him up and I swiftly found out he had cheated again tonight. His standard name calling and blame ensued, and he then threatened to post intimate photos of me on social media and physically assaulted me. Needless to say I am finally done.
I think I was dealing with not just an addict, but a very very broken man unable to deal with or take responsibility for his actions.
Hoping I can find some equally great support down other routes to help repair the damage he has done.
On a practical note, does anyone have an idea of where I stand legally with the money I lent him over the course of our relationship?
k11 x
Hi k11 I don't really know about the money unless you made him sign a contract. I'm really sorry to hear that he assaulted you. Please don't be dragged into his web any longer. Don't pick him up late at night if he's been drinking again. A long walk home should sober him up. Do you feel like you should tell the police? I would definitely warn his parents so that they can deal with him if he starts knocking on their door. Please call the helpline. This may not be the end of his contacting you so stay strong.
Dear kit11,
sorry to read your story, it sounds like you have been through a very challenging time. You have already been given some excellent advice from previous posters, and I would reiterate, please call the GamCare Helpline, or get in touch with Women's Aid. As Merry go round says, it is unlikely that this was the last time you heard from him. Physical assault and threatning to post intimate pictures of you online are both criminal offenses, so I too would recommend you get some advice from the police.
Stay strong and keep posting if you feel it helps.
All the best,
Eva
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