Can't pay the bills

Thank you all so much. This has really opened my eyes just how deciptful a cg can be. I will be sitting down with him tonight and talking through all this. As you all say I need to protect myself.

Hi Reezie.

Hopefully this will make you focus on how dangerous compulsive gambling is. Reading your first post I think you are now realising that this is no game with any room for half measures. Gambling leaves people homeless, divorced, alone, in prison or dead!

If he is ready he will be glad to find that born again moment and let you take complete control while his mind heals in recovery.

If you both sit and write down what he has been up to and the money lost it will focus both of you on how crazy it is. Its an addiction which takes over for its own ends.

As others have said knowledge is strength and you will have to ensure you look after yourself. He will need to be living on an allowance with full receipts provided and he is not to be handed any level of money which could cause a problem.

At times he will have been ashamed and confused. Saying he will live on the streets is just this confusion and shame. Its a strong addiction which can be healed to the point where he will wonder why he ever did it.

However it may always be within us to some extent and it can come out of the blue with certain stress and depresssion trigger factors.

Im afraid rule number 1 is protect all money which keeps you housed and fed. Then he deserves some help but only if your love is not blind to the power of this addiction.

Im not saying he is a bad person. Im sure it will work out for you when you both realise what needs to be done. You must base your ongoing decisions on his willingness to do the right thing and seek all the help he can get.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Hi Reezie,

I agree with all of the above. I was sorely tricked the first few times around...I saw one bank account, which was bad, but it was only about a quarter of the full extent. After finding out it continued and continued, I had to stick to my guns to get access to it which she didn't like and when I did get access, I went through the transactions with a fine tooth comb and noticed patterns in the transfers and payments which led me to other accounts and credit cards. It all unravelled from there.

Unfortunately, I had no idea what was hiding behind those doors so perhaps be prepared for what you think you know about the problem to change. But you need it all out in the open, even just for yourself as there is no arguing against the fact when your able to put a figure on the scale of the problem - it might not sink in to them, but it certainly made me firm that something had to change. LIke others have said credit reports, accounts, wages need are now in my name.

I've only just done this in the last two months and wish I would have done it sooner as it might have saved my family some money!

I too am just learning about how to deal with this problem by putting myself and my family first too. The best expression I've heard so far is that I need to be really clear on my boundaries and limits - and these controls are a must from what Ive learned so far, along with the need to stay viligent. I've also stopped being silent about the problem. Once I started talking about it I felt better.

I wish you the best of luck.

CC x

Hi Joydivider and CC

Many thanks for both of your replies.

It appears that at the moment we seem to have hit a brick wall. Although he is happy for me to have his cards and allowed me to take control of his PayPal account he is still refusing that I can have access and control of his account. Although due to previous debt I do not think he is able to take out loans I have already uncovered that the problem has been going on longer than I thought. After looking at this PayPal large amounts of money have been sent to gambling websites since at least January. He has closed up since I challenged him about this. It’s in the past and not relevant apparently and he has reverted back to not believing he has a problem. So sitting down and working out what he’s spent and when etc is now out of the question. He is still very much at a low at the moment however without my assistance he has managed to sort out the majority of his bills by speaking to companies etc to push bill dates back so I feel there is a little victory for both of us at this point as obviously I don’t want him to suffer.

After our talk the other day he has agreed that there will be no form of gambling ever including free games which I watched him delete off his phone. He has promised he will still go to the doctors, continue to allow me the control he has given me over cards and will come into this website at least every payday. I don’t know if that’s enough but it’s a start and a learning curve for both of us. This forum and everyone’s help and support has really opened my eyes. Reezie

Hi reezie don't forget that it's not just about him. You too can call gamcare or go to gamanon meetings. It doesn't sound like he is ready, he's giving you what he's willing to show, not everything. He wants to continue. He should be sorting out his bills himself, don't worry about him suffering. Just make sure your money is safe. I think he's just saying what you want to hear. If he doesn't see he has a problem it will continue. Be careful and vigilant. Make sure he has no access to your joint account or close it. Get some support for you. Good luck!

Hi, Reezie,

Echo MGR that your problem won’t go away just because he’s denying his. I bought into my husband’s denial first time round and it was a huge mistake, the haemorrhage continued.

Would urge you to lock down your finances and go to GamAnon meetings regardless of what he does or doesn’t do. These are the sort of actions that undermine the denial and state your reality as it is (ie that there are red flags in what’s been kept hidden from you).

Look after you.

CW