Hi everyone,
I found out 5 days ago that my fiance, whom I have been with for 9 years, has a gambling addiction and has raked up a debt of nearly 82,000 pounds over the last 7 years. He played only online sports betting, by his own account playing infrequently but with ridiculously large bets per session. He has over 20 loans (some large, some small) that he has taken to try and cover the month to month payment, but it clearly got to a point where it became unsustainable.
We have been in a long-distance relationship all this time, but I just quit my job and moved across the world to be with him about 3 months ago. The turning point apparently came when we recently opened my bank account and I put my savings in. He said it came as a wake-up call when he realized that he was considering using my money. I had gone overseas and he had withdrawn some of my money, but he put it back without using it and confessed to me the day he picked me up at the airport. He said this wasn't the guy he wanted to be.
Since then, he has given me full access to his bank accounts, drawn up a list of all the loans he owes and the outstanding amount / interest rates, and installed K9 blocking software on his computer and phone, asking me to set the password. He has signed up for counseling and is on the waitlist for a therapist. I have told him honestly that I can't look at him with the same trust and respect I had for him before, and he has taken it solidly and reassured me that he will prove to me every day that he has turned his life around.
I guess I'd just like to hear from people, if you all truly believe that someone can change after so many years of hiding and raking up this insane debt. I still can't really believe this is the same person who through the last 9 years has been making promises about our future that he must have known he would be unable to keep. I keep thinking this guy with the debt and the guy I was supposed to marry are two different people. He treats me very well and we have never had any other problems or relationship-breaking disagreements. I thought he was my soulmate.
He says he is still the same person, but now feels freer and is ready to face up to the consequences. I don't know if I can feel that he is the same person. Can he really become that person again? It will take at least 7-10 years to pay back this debt. As betrayed as I feel, I can't just turn the love off. I want to be there for him, and I want to believe him and support him through this. But the very idea that he could incur this debt before, that he could very well incur it again, and all behind my back, is just too heartbreaking...
If he is gambling such huge amounts & you have only been with him for 3 months & moved across the world to be with him then it's very unwise to let him have access to your finances.
Please protect yourself as the 20 loans say he doesn't know when to stop & he's already thinking about spending your money.
Don't get stranded half a world away with no funds because of someone elses addiction. Protecting yourself is a wise thing to do & if he loves you he'll make the change.
After 14 years together found out a month ago that my partner is a CG similar to you sports betting, ВЈks at a time. It's devastating and totally knocks you. Difference is I discovered the hidden debt rather than getting a confession. A big plus point is that your partner did of his own volition tell you about CG. Do everything you can to protect yourself financially esp if you are away a lot it will help you feel more in control. I also think you need to think about getting some counselling as your emotions of loyalty through love to your partner mixed with the sense of betrayal and destruction of trust can send you on an emotional roller-coaster. Personally I feel tied to my situation because we have kids and if I didn't have them I think it would make it harder to stay. Sorry I don't have much advice as it is early days but I was getting feelings that I must have been such a fool to trust him for so long and not see what was happening. Rationally and with help from Gamcare I am coming to see that I can't let myself feel like this. You are not alone on this part of the forum and there is lots of support if you need it so sending you a big hug xx
Morning,
My husband is a CG and it's quite incredible how he hid it for so very long. I thought I must have the word "mug" running through me like a stick of rock.
On an emergency basis, put your life savings and anything else that's yours into an account in your sole name. Don't leave cards, codes or passwords anywhere that he can get to, your devices should be password protected and always enter passwords manually. You can't trust him financially so don't; believe the contents of up to date bank, credit card and mortgage statements, don't believe what he says.
My husband cleared out our children's accounts and spent the next six years trying in vain to win it back, before the loss came to light. Another example of what you've seen: active CGs have absolutely no foresight. All they know is the craving to bet, money's there to use/"borrow", it's ok because they'll win it back. Except that they can't win because they can't stop. And the money was needed elsewhere. GA literature talks about immaturity and this is an aspect of it.
Another aspect is that he's told you and feels much better, fine as far as it goes but his addiction is his problem. It's for him to pay back the debt, take measures to block his access to gambling, go to meetings and do what he can (if you both want it) to rebuild the relationship. If you're willing to do so you can support him by accepting financial control. But don't let him hand the problem over to you to fix. You're not his mother and accepting responsibility for himself is part of his recovery.
The other sign of the classic CG immaturity, selfishness and lack of foresight is his expectations of you. So far it's all about him. You've had your foundations rocked and none of it is going to resolve short term. He's not what you thought you knew. So keep the focus on you. You've made a good start here but aim to get the help and support to deal with your situation. Read the forum, call the helpline, try GamAnon meetings, tell a trusted friend in RL. That will put you in the best position to make the right decisions for you, when you're ready to make them.
Take care,
CW
Thank you all for the advice and kind words, it really helped me when I woke up in the middle of the night from a bad dream of us losing everything to this years down the road, especially since we are now looking at remortgaging our house.
First thing this morning, I'm checking about how I can change the password on my online banking account. My fiance has a bit of a photographic memory, but I'm going to make sure I don't leave my credit cards lying around and hope that he won't remember the one he attempted to use last time before he confessed, since it's a new card.
As for protecting myself financially, well, I have told him to please not ask me for any money. I quit my job to come be with him on his assurance that he could afford a simple life for us together, so all I have to pay my insurance and various bills back home are my savings. The good thing is that the bulk of it is in an account he can't reach, but I just wanted him to know how threatened I would feel security-wise if he were to ask for any of it. In the meantime, I am looking for a new job here. Everything is just so painful to think about, and like you said, the emotions of loyalty and love are constantly warring with the doubt and worry that I feel every day now.
At this point, I really hope that our partners can change for good. It is just so crushing. Even the money we were supposed to have saved together in preparation for me coming over was spent before I ever arrived. I am pretty frugal since I grew up in an environment where my family was in debt from failed business, and personally I have never ever spent more than what I could pay back the next month with my income from work. So knowing of this debt and the various means he took to get all those loans goes against every one of my own financial ideas and practices. All these years, he really made me feel he was as rational, if not more rational, than me when it came to this. I still can't believe it's true sometimes.
Hugs to you as well LouiseB and Cynical Wife for all the pain you've been through. Let's get through it one day at a time.
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