Clueless Partner

Hi Snow1234

Im the mum of a son who is compulsive gambler.

My son is 20 and has been with his girlfriend a long time and he treats her just the same as your boyfriend treats you.

When/if a compulsive gambler decides they want recovery theres no such thing as one or two bets its zero for rest of their life. As Half-Life said theres a lot of support available to the cg if they want it, its a hard addiction to beat but theres plenty of people who do manage it, with a lot of hard work. Your boyfriend isn't ready to stop, hes still very much in denial and making excuses. An active cg is very manipulative and will have you convinced black is white and will blame you for anything and everything that they're unhappy about.

Theres plenty of posts on here on what life is like with a cg, Im afraid none of its pretty to read, my sons addciton has done so much damage to our family it cant be repaired we've been to hell and back. You need to think very carefully what you are getting into. Ive seen what its done to his girlfriend and I have told her to leave him and Id tell her again if I saw her, he treats her awful.

You have done nothing wrong, this is not your fault you didn't cause it and you cant fix it, the only person who can fix this is your boyfriend and Im afraid he's not showing any signs that he wants to. Be warey a compulsive gambler will tell you what you want to hear just to get you off their back so dont believe anything he tells you with out proof, they lie profusely.

Its vital that you think of yourself with this, protect your finances and get as much emotional support as you can, you're going to need it. The best place to start would be to call Gamcare, lots of practical advice and a plenty of moral support, plus Gamanon, I personally havent been, couldnt get to one but I know those who go so its helps a great deal. Have you got family or a close friend to talk to, dont keep this to yourself, you need as much support as you can get.

You must think of yourself first, take care.

I am a parent of a gambler. Living with a gambler is a total nightmare and can break a family both emotionally and financially. The shock of finding out that a close relative is gambling and has put peoples lives in jeopardy can put you in a state of mind that you really do not know what to do. When they are found out they initially let you bail them out and promise they will never do it again - more often than not you put your trust in them and they do that a few more times and you keep believing them when they say they will stop. This can go on for a couple of years at least and you as a parent keep praying that you are being supportive and the problem will go away. But the gambler gets more and more distressed and turns into such a liar as time goes on because they are living month to month worrying about how they are going to pay their debts off. We as parents were also on tenderhooks each month not knowing what was going to be thrown at us due to the gambling problems. We actually got to the sate where we were afraid to go away for fear of not being here if they got into trouble again or we would tense up with every phone call or text. This stress of course rubs of on all members of the family and sometimes the gambler will also turn to drink to numb the pain. They end up going around in a vicious circle until one day the debt is so enormous their partner throws finally throws them out. On hindsight what we should have done right from the start, to nip some of this in the bud, was to take complete control of the finances but we left it till quite late on with the problem which meant we had ended up bailing out and clearing debts from our hard-earned money. We have now taken over and we can already see a difference - it definitely is a deterrent. There are some very lucky gamblers who have family and partners who will stick by them to the bitter end but there must be some who do not and hopefully those people will be advised to come on here and get support from this community as a starting point. As a parent it is your instinct to protect your children however old they are and your ultimate nightmare is that they will end up in prison or on the streets. But what the gambler cannot see beyond is the fact that not only are they bringing their life down they are destroying the life and health of those closest to them. Their head is permanently spinning with confusion and they end up not really caring because the gambling has taken such a strong hold Things have hit rockbottom recently and we bailed out our gambler one last time on the condition we took over the finances completely and that t hey took advice from gambling helplines and got counselling one-to-one. We are hoping to persuade them to get one to one counselling but they are not keen. I truly believe that these gambling helplines are wonderful and have already helped my -hopefully soon to be ex-gambler!! but a face-to-face session will be beneficial as well. If you are brave enough to open up on here then you are brave enough to meet someone face to face. It must be awful to become addicted to something and feel yourself losing control of your life and you must have all at some point felt very lonely and frightened. I have been reading some of the stories on here and I am full of admiration for the guts people are showing in sharing their problems and I can see how much effort people are making to turn their lives around. My wish is that all of you overcome and can finally enjoy your lives with your partners and families.

Keep counting those non gambling days everyone and remember the warm and positive feeling you get for every day you count. Remember if your parents and partners are very hard with you it really is tough love, and it has to be done, and you will realise that when the problem starts to go away. Good Luck.

Hi,

Thanks for all of your responses. He has blocked himself from all online betting websites, and I have got rid of his casino cards.

Diferent to most situations, he has never stolen or asked me for money to gamble. But- we are both students so we both have a student overdraft - for living and accomadation ect. He gets large sums of money from his mum for 'living' and some of that money does go on gambling. He has taken out payday loans in the past aswel.

Before I met him he told me that he had lost tens of thousands on gambling, but the amount he is gambling now isnt much, just a £10 or a £20 bet here and there. I would think that this meant that the addiction was getting better. But I've realised that it's not the amount he's gambling, but it's the thrill he's addicted to. I cant understand it but he once said that he's addicted to the feeling of loosing and the empty feeling that follows it. He told me that he once felt like there was no point of living anymore because of the gambling.

This is why I'm finding it hard to understand the way the addiction is doing so much to him mentally, even when the amount of money is huge anymore. He can get very angry at no reason and make out that everything is my fault and when I try and talk about the gambling he says that he doesnt like talking about it.

Today I asked him: "do you feel as if you never ever want to gamble again? Do you mean it that you'r quiting?" As I've heard it so many times before and he said "today I do". That shows me that he's not commited to the quiting.

I've read a lot of other posts about losing houses and assets ect. And I feel that it's petty compared to others, but I'm finding it hard understanding the efect gambling has on a persons personality. He's completely fine with his friends, but he takes it out on me and his family. We're both young and I'd hate to think that our relationship will continue with gambling inbetween us for years to come.

Thanks

C x

Hi snow1234

It does appear boyfriend has made some positive steps and I really dont want be pessimistic but you still need to be very cautious. In my opinion he's doing as little as possible to get you off his back and for you to think he's stopped, very very common tactic.

My son went to university but was kicked out for not going to classes. He had student loans and we gave him money towards food and other bits and pieces. He was living with his girlfriend so we thought his money was safe and he seemed quite happy and nothing for us to worry about.

It didn't too long for us to find out that not only was he using the money we gave him but practically all of his student loans went on gambling. When that money ran out he memorised his girlfriends debit card details - (so she never knew it was missing) and got into her banck account plus he managed to access her paypal account, he drained her bank account of thousands. She did find out, she threatend to leave him , he promised he'd never do again but he did several times, shes with him to this day. During this same time he stole my bank card to pay off debts and stole cash from us on several occassions.

Ive seen plenty of his bank statements and they make horrific reading, even worse than I thought and I knew it was bad. I must point out out that practically all of his betting is in small amounts, £5, £10 or rarely £20 and its literally pages and pages of this, for years. Small bets do not mean its not as bad, Ive seen him scrape pennies together to go into the bookies. A cg can not bet ever, not so much as a penny, regardless of the amount its the additctive mindest that they have to get out of.

As for debts he owes at least 10 companies money, mostly high interest pay day loan type companies and one major bank, he owes thousands. At one point he'd tried to get a loan in his dads name and he tried to get one in his girlfriends, thankfully we found out before he managed to and her mum got suspicous and stepped in. When he found out we knew he was terrified, especially as her mum wanted to go to the police, none of us did -( I wish now we had, might of stopped him) it seemed that fright was enough for him to stop - how wrong we were. Initially I helped him set up a debt management plan ( dont ever do that they have to) but he only ever made one payment, the companies are still chasing him. Every week theres letters still coming to my home, - because thats the address he gave them all - and most of them have threatened him with debt collectors, while I live in fear of this he's off in his own place not giving a stuff what we're left with. Never underestimate the lengths they will go to when they get desperate to gamble.

For a few weeks he seemed to be doing well, but gradually it became obvious he'd never stopped and all that happened was that his gambling got worse. As far as Im aware he's still gambling and his girlfriend is still giving him money, or he could well be taking it from her account, either way she lets him and told me she refuses to go to the police if he steals from her.

As I said earlier my son is 20 and he and his girlfriend have been together since they were 14 so over 6 years, for 5 of those he's been gambling and its rapidly progressed, he's literally out of control with it.

On the surface it appears good that your boyfriend has blocked himself from online gambling but again this doesnt prove much, theres literally scores of new ones popping up all the time. My son self excluded and we thought great but he just went to new sites to set up more. As Ive already said Ive seen lots of his bank statements and one day I counted up how many different sites he used in one month and I lost count after 50, and theres plenty of new ones since.

If your boyfriend wants to stop its got to be 100% commitment, no such thing as bit of this or just the odd bet its, zero and zero tolerance for the rest of his life. Dont believe anything he tells you with out proof, tell him you want to see bank statements, get credit reports for him and Id say you to given what my son did to his girlfriend, they will show all of his debt. He needs to give up financial control to you or possibly his parents, no access to any money. If he has to have any money you want receipts..If he isnt willing to do everything needed, then dont trust him, if he really does want to stop he should be willing to do everything that you ask him. Blocking software should be put on any phones and pc's, theres some free ones and others charge a fee, Im not really sure which is the best one, Id guess someone will be along soon who has better knowledge than me on that, if not call Gamcare.

Thats the financial blocks in place next Id highly recommed GA, Gamcare and or counselling that Gamcare can arrange for him. Id strongly advise you get some counselling too, that can also be arranged through Gamcare, plus you both will have use of the stundent uni counsellor , get as much support as possible.

Compulsive gambling can't be cured , but it can be halted, its something he will have to work a the rest of his life, he can however have a great life gambling free if he wants to put in all the hard work thats needed. This is all on the presumption that he genuinely wants to stop, if he doesnt nothing you say or do will make any difference.

Im sorry to sound pessimistic, but this is reality of what life is like while living with a cg. I love my son very much but I also see what its done to us and his girlfriend and as horrible as it is I told her to leave him and I'd still tell her to if i saw her again.

Hi snow

I forgot to say you need to make sure he has no access to any of your finances, no cards, bank statements anything and everything financial. Change pins and passwords, make it all bullet proof. Again dont underestimate the lengths a cg will go to when desperate.

Take care

Hi Snow1234

My son is 27 and has been a compulsive gambler for 9+ years(he is in recovery now). One of the hardest things in my opinion for both sides to realize is that this is a long journey and it can take a long time to see positive change. Agree with Phoenix67 ... don't think that because the betting amounts are small that he is controlling his gambling... it isn't about the money. It is the need to continue betting that keeps the addiction thriving. Somewhere along the line it will escalate... it always does. Do not underestimate this addiction. You may think that there are lines he wouldn't cross but those lines get very blurry when a CG gets desperate.

It's great that he has blocked himself and sounds like he is ready to find recovery. I would just suggest that you put as many personal boundaries for yourself in place. You and he will need these long term.

Unfortunately this is his battle to fight. You can help him with the financially barriers (which is a huge help) but the mental/emotional work is up to him. The best thing you can do to help him is stay strong and look after you.

Take Care

Cathy