Confused

Horizon,

I remember you I think from posting before. I have got my life firmly back on track, so it can be done. I just worry that you have a doubt. And your gut feeling is probably the right one. You should never settle for less than what you should have. I am sure you ex has full intention of sticking to his plan, but you know and I know the reality of life kicks in. Why does he want to move back in with you? I get the obvious reasons, but it all seems so final...as you say, you have worked hard to have a different life, including social life etc. Ask yourself the question, is this what you want? Are you willing to have to go through his issues again if it raises it's head again. I think you know in your heart what the right thing to do is.

Best of luck.

Julie x

Thanks Julie, really appreciate your comments. I think I know on my gut too I just need to find the courage to make that last step.

I have so much opportunity ahead of me and I know I literally couldn't tolerate 1 more slip and how can any CG say that will NEVER happen again? He says he will never gamble again because our separation has changed him so much but I know from counselling experience that is something that can't be promised or guaranteed.

I'm so glad you're doing well, i'm sure you've got great times ahead of you and I wish you nothing but the best x

Again, another addict here but FWIW, 6 months was still very much the honeymoon period of recovery for me...It was my 2nd year that was way harder.

If you do want to try & rekindle the relationship, you must go @ your pace & not be pressurised by any external factors. I mean every word of my grandiose plans for change but meaning them & putting them into practise in the cold light of day are universes apart.

I have a very long road ahead of me but I am a better person now in recovery than I ever was before although I'm still as selfish as ever & as much as I am adamant that I won't do it, I know I'm also only 1 bet away from disaster. There is no human without faults & from what I've seen, an addict in real & sustained recovery is a joy to behold but you've been terribly hurt for a very long time & 6 months is no time @ all to judge. You are right to be cautious & take advice but your situation will be unique to you & you must be honest with yourself about what you want & will accept & make choices for you, not him or anyone else.

Keep doing what is right for you - ODAAT

Hi, Horizon,

Addiction is long term and so is recovery. I'd measure it in years and even then, an addict is one use away from disaster and needs to keep working to prevent relapse. My husband is still gf but was doing better in terms of attitude at nine months than now.

Its difficult to put the next tactfully but after initial indignation I came to the conclusion that it's probably so and no offence is intended: there is a noted tendency for us f&f to be attracted to addicts. If a relationship ends, the next tends to be with a person with problems and that continues unless we work on ourselves and our own codependent tendencies, not least of which are our very high tolerance levels. Counselling could help to look in this area, not pleasant digging but maybe worthwhile?

Take care,

CW

Hi CW, I definitely have put up with far too much and in hindsight it's crazy that I ever did. I think the fact that he was my 1st love and the fact that we basically grew up together made it harder for me to leave.

I think i'm too nice and don't like confrontation which is another reason why I let it get to the stage it did. I feel strong and confident in myself now and I know I want an equal partner in life, not someone who relies on me all the time. He said he can be that person but experience has made me wary!

Grant me the courage to change the things I can, accept the things I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference. My gut instinct is very rarely wrong. I believe you will make the best decision for you and your life.

Very best of luck to you.

Julie x

Thanks Julie. After telling him yesterday I wanted to end it he has apologised for pushing to move in together and has said that I can have all the time I need 6 months, 12 months living apart with contact a couple of times a week while we both go through counselling and he continues to prove to me he's changed.

The emotion from him is so intense and I've found myself detaching from it probably because my feelings towards him have changed. I am not 100% sure I have made the right decision, just wish I had a crystal ball to see what the future holds! He has done everything to prove himself to me and admits total responsibility for everything but as you have said when the realities of life kick in it may be a different story! When I look back to life before I left him I don't know how I got through each day, it's like I was living in the dark and am now in the light....sounds cheesy but true!

I hope all is going well with your recovery x

Hi

IME six months gf can be a dangerous time. The addict may become complacent or think they are cured. There is story after story of gamblers 'testing' or 'treating' themselves around this time on this forum alone. They never end well. Mr L (I think) went about five months first time round before caving and doubling the debt behind my back. Second time round having all but nuked everything around I still caught him on a FOBT again about five months later with the minimal small change he had on him when we were supposed to be shopping.

If you take your husband back you will need to be on top of everything financial all the time and that will need to be permanent. Everything we own is bought through my bank account and registered in my name alone. Savings are in my sole name. Mr L doesn't carry cash, shows me receipts and doesn't have unscrutinised access to any bank accounts. I also carry out regular checks of his credit reports with all three agencies and open post if I feel I need to. He attends GA weekly and I would be very,very antsy if he didn't. Basically it means living a life without financial trust. It can be done and in time it just becomes background but you do need to think about whether both of you are up for that.

One of the many problems is that we can get completely overwhelmed by the gambler. I certainly do this, someone can ask me how I am and heaven help me, I genuinely think that I am answering their question by reporting how my husband's doing, on the basis that if he's ok then I am too. For variety, I sometimes answer about how the kids are doing.

Actually I am (supposed to be) my own person and a separate individual. Responsible for my own happiness, choices and well being. Hmmm.

Beware of this particular trap. Your needs and best interests are your own and shouldn't become engulfed in his. And he has to be able to recover by himself for himself, regardless of what you do or where you are. Don't let him pass the buck to you.

BW,

CW

Thanks Lethe and CW, I think one of the issues (or maybe not) is that i've detached myself too much. A life without him is seeming more appealing and that's probably because of all the distance I've put between us.

He met me yesterday with a box of photographs of our years together and asked me to look at them before making a final decision about us. I did look at them and all I could remember was all of lies and gambling that surrounded each of those memories! I can honestly say I am now thinking about myself; I've been on holiday, got my own place, socialise and buy myself things if the notion takes me...things I haven't done in years and they make me feel good!

Good for you!!!

Told my OH today that we were over for good. On the one hand I feel some relief now the decision has been made but on the other I feel a level of guilt for not giving him that 'one last chance'.

He is really laying on the emotional blackmail now saying how I can I just throw away 17 years together and he's finally become the person I wanted him to be and now I just leave. It's infuriating because I stood by him for years and years, doing everything I could to help him but now because he finally claims to have seen the light i'm supposed to say 'Great, come home!'.

It really isn't easy but everyone around me says they can see positive changes in me; i'm doing well in work, have so much more confidence and have been socialising and having fun but the guilt getting thrown at me is tough.

The fact is we could get back together and things could be great for a year or 2 but there's no guarantees he won't slip back and in all likelihood I would probably start accepting it again and just end up resenting him so much for it.