I don’t know where to start really but I’ve been married for 3 months to my partner of 8 years and I am seriously considering separation and a divorce already!
I have always known that my partner is a gambling addict, which has came to arguments a lot through the years but he always manages to convince me that it’s not having an affect on me financially as it’s his money, he can always pay the bills and it never affects me.
Anyway - By May last year he was in A LOT of debt all on loans and credit cards etc. He was made redundant and got a huge payout of - this was potentially life changing and could have made him debt free near enough.
While looking for work etc in the June he was meant to move the money in to an account in my name that I was helping him with but he kept saying let me sort the debt etc it’s my problem... I was mega busy at work and fed up of causing arguments if I questioned him about the redundancy money so I trusted in him, then on 9th July I got home to a suicide note. I had to get the police involved, he’d written all about our failed ivf and his gambling etc and the police were out searching for him - eventually he checked himself in to hospital having taken an overdose.
It then all came out that he had only paid off £XX to his debts and had gambled the rest in 2 weeks on spread betting.
I was certain that I couldn’t marry him regardless of everything being planned and paid for, but after discussions with his family and mine, I kind of felt how can I leave him if I was about to take my vows “in sickness(which he has)” and “for poorer”?!
He told me he would stop (and I took full control of his accounts and took away all his credit cards) he got medication from the doctor started a new job and we had set up repayments which were manageable etc
In the October I did a random spot check of all his accounts and he had put gambling on one of them while I had been away on a weekend trip in July - he said it was a relapse and he hadn’t done it since - his accounts proved this so I was supportive and we got married at the beginning of November.
In December just 1 month after I asked him why 2 random withdrawals of £100 had taken place one evening and he was honest and said he’d gone to the bookies in the train station after work!!!!!
I must tell you he said he would go to GA after the suicide attempt but still hasn’t as he feels it won’t help him
Again after the December I was supportive but also thinking oh my god is it happening again I’ve only been married to him a month! Then a few weeks ago there was lots of £500 PayPal amounts (totalling £3k) the only money I could give him to pay this off was the money his Nan had left him in her Will, which his dad sent to me for obvious reasons.
He cried and said how disgusted he was in himself, so he was going to transfer money from a card so it “technically” wasn’t his Nan’s money that he’d used for gambling.
This weekend I have been at my parents as my dad underwent a huge operation on Friday to try and free him from his cancer and while I’ve been up here he had gambled again - I asked him how he used 2 of the credit cards for this and he said he knew the numbers so it was all pointless me taking the cards away in the first place!
His cards that we had tried and worked so hard to pay off are now maxed once again! I said I can’t believe you’ve done this while I’m looking after my dad and supporting my mam and he just kept saying the 2 aren’t linked and it’s his finances etc etc
I don’t know what else I can do as I feel and look like a mug - I probably shouldn’t have married him but he clearly doesn’t care about me or our marriage (which he says isn’t true) but I can’t help feeling like that, and now I have to admit to the world we’re separating after only 3 months of marriage - what a joke!! I can’t speak to anyone as my parents and family are going through enough with my dad
Hi (I'm not going to use that name). This is not your fault. By the looks of things you taking over finances is not 100%. All his cards should be cancelled, he should have no access. Compulsive gamblers are great at remembering, fooling you. They'll always know the numbers or make note somewhere. As partners we only realise when things get really bad that the person who needs help is us. We don't really know what compulsive gambling means until we go to meetings, gamanon meetings. You learn how they operate and how to safeguard yourself emotionally and financially. A cg who doesn't get help is constantly in denial. You end up sorting everything out and they are off the hook. With his debts he needs to talk to stepchange. He needs to relinquish all access to money. He needs to attend GA. If he's online he can sign up to gamstop, he should show you the email (5years). This is forever. He needs to show you he's stopping. Don't pay his debts or give him money. Get credit reports to see what's really going on. Look after you. It's not your place to work to pay his debts. Until he faces this it will continue. Get some support even if you divorce this will be very upsetting and it could get worse.
Thank you merry go round. I showed him the gambling site which stops online and he kept saying we’ll do it together and then the night never came and I had to go up to be with my dad and then the recent gambling occurred. He’s in a strange position as he can’t declare bankruptcy or speak to people who deal with debt as the line of work he’s in and only source of income is based around fraud so he’d lose his job as he’d become a high risk employee. At least that’s what he tells me anyway. Do you mean I shouldn’t divorce him and things will get worse?
I also don’t want his debt to affect my house / mortgage which we have as I have a 15 year old son and if he speaks to one of these that help with debt etc we won’t be able to remortgage or anything in the future
If you call and talk to someone it doesn't affect anything, you will get free confidential advice. You don't have to use them. If he doesn't seek help via GA, gamcare etc. It will get worse. It's rare that cgs get better via willpower alone. If he continues to run up debt you won't be able to pay it. Don't worry about the future. If the debt is not in your name it won't affect you. He can do gamstop all by himself, same way he can work out how to gamble. Unfortunately compulsive gamblers are compulsive liars.
That is what I am beginning to realise as to be honest it’s the lies and deceit that hurts me the most not the money lost.
Your responses throughout are as dysfunctional as his gambling. I would suggest that you are as sick as he is and that you need help as much as he does.
You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it and you can’t Cure it. But not for the lack of trying, you’ve taken on and paid his debts against your better judgement, you’ve even stifled your doubts and married him against your instincts, all in a bid, well, a bid to do what? To save him? To run his life because he’s too incompetent? To get your fill of drama? To show everyone what you have to put up with?
If you’re to recover, you need to look at what part you played to arrive at where you are now. It’s not all about him, something in you has sought out an addict to fix and whether you stay or go this time, you’ll gravitate towards the same again (only worse) unless you start to fix the hole in your soul. Your life is about your choices.
Start meetings, Al Anon if you are or have been around drinkers or CoDA. Learn to look after yourself.
CW
Sorry which parts of my responses are dysfunctional? And the reason I stayed with him and married him is because I wanted to be with him and hoped he could eventually get treatment for his illness. He has also helped bring up my son for 8 years. It’s hard to just throw everything away and I was very confused and hurting. It wasn’t a case of seeking out drama and I’m not sure why you thought I was an alcoholic?? I can’t help but feel you have criticised me a lot on this post without knowing me. All I wanted to do by posting for the first time on here was to speak with people who have had similar experiences, not be insulted...?!
I would say Cynical Wife, your response is a little harsh. It's important to be helpful and non judgemental, especially on this website of all places.
Now to any normal person reading your story, the biggest mistake you made was getting married, only because did not know what what you were getting yourself into, because serious gambling addiction is to most people a life long ailment that needs managing for years and years. As you know, the damage is in the loss of trust... How can a marriage survive when you cannot trust your partner?
The reality is that money is important, and it is a big reason as to why a lot of marriages fail. £70k is a life changing amount for most people. He has robbed your family's future security, lets not beat around the bush.
You are in a tough position because your husband is obviously in a bad place, he has lost a lot of money but isn't in the right frame of mind to even recover right now, because he is in a "chasing losses", or "tilt" mode. His mind will be going at 200mph and the gambling will literally be on his mind every hour of the day.
He is taking advantage of you and that isn't forgivable to me. You are bailing him out, and he is letting you down. He will need you to manage his finances and shoulder all the pressure to ensure HE doesn't slip up.
If his family already know, it might be useful to let them know and let them help you, because doing this alone is hard.
What Cynical Wife says has some truth. You need to set the boundary and let him know he needs to change now, and it's your way or the highway. You have been too kind in this case, never help out a gambler with money, it never goes anywhere.
Honestly, this is a lot to take on yourself and for your own mental health I would seek advice from gamcare/friends/family.
Have a scroll down this subforum, and also the success stories subsection. You will see two things. There are not a lot of success stories, and secondly, stories just like yourself, where marriages and families get torn apart.
I really wish you the best of luck, I am always around if you need any more advice. I am a gambler, and also come from a family torn apart from gambling. I can see things from both perspectives.
I’m not insulting you but yes, staying through thick and thin sounds noble but actually it’s about having no boundaries as to what you will tolerate so anything goes. Taking on the marriage vows as binding before you’re married sounds noble but isn’t it another example of accepting a responsibility that’s not yours? Supporting him sounds noble but not when you take work on and work hard to clear debts that weren’t your responsibility in the first place, that’s enabling.
Making it about you, about who you are, what you value and stand for, might be a whole lot harder than merely being his victim but it’s a also whole lot healthier. Having the confidence to know yourself and your own value, doesn’t go with accepting abuse from others. Your life will only change when you make changes, not if he does.
AlAnon is not for alcoholics, (they have AA) it’s for the loved ones of alcoholics, it’s for the children, spouses and siblings of alcoholics if that applies?
You are speaking to people who have had the similar experience. Even if they don’t all say what you want to hear.
CW
What we have to realise as wife/partner/mother is that we play a part in the chaos. We accept dysfunctional relationships as normal. Their behaviour and our reaction continue the cycle. It's only when we change and seek support that our lives get better.
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Thank you for all your advice. I plan on getting some help through GamCare... It’s difficult as my family are going through enough already that I don’t know who to turn to and my friends will just say I told you so and leave him. To be honest I think that’s what I’ll have to do. Luckily the only thing linking us financially is the mortgage and he has agreed to still pay his half etc but I have checked online etc and all his debt is in his name and was from before we were married. He has never stolen money from me or anything like that and always pays our bills etc but I’m worried now what the future holds.
ALN thank you for your step by step break down but I honestly don’t think he’ll do those things! So to me that suggests he doesn’t want to change!! I am so confused as to why he keeps putting me through this if he’s meant to love me and care for me - just feel he has no respect for me! Also the reason I mentioned the job role is because he works in fraud management and so he becomes a high risk employee!
‘Urgh’ thank you for your honesty and I might call on you for advice in the future thank you. I have said a few times now my way or the highway and he’ll abide by rules etc for a few months then we end up back at square one!
I feel so helpless and such a mug to keep putting up with and falling for his patter!
Hi,
I would be certain that his continuation of gambling is nothing to do with his lack of love for you. When I was a gambling addict I very much loved the partners I lost due to my addiction. The problem was that gambling was my emotional crutch when life got too difficult and until I discovered a healthy way to deal with emotions and feelings the cycle just continued. Please don't feel like you've failed him and unloved by him based on his actions because it's something within him that's the issue.
I wish you all the best. X
Thank you Walliss77 - so how do I make him go and get help? I know people will say he needs to want to do it for himself and he always says he does but then never goes through with it!
He said to me going to GA will be like in the movies and I don’t want to do that. And of course I’d love to go along with him to a meeting as his support but we’re not allowed.
I just don’t think / feel like there’s anything else or more I can do for him now which is terrible after only 3 months of marriage x
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