It doesn't need to be a worry for her. Gambling isn't gender indiscriminate and she will find valuable advice and support from people who have been exactly where she's been.
re the debt, possible bankruptcy and beyond - you and she need to take professional advice. Payplan, Stepchange or CAB are good, free places to start.
Don't fall for the tears. It's very common for a CG to pull a full-on pity party when they're found out or can't sustain the deceit any longer. Mr L could have strolled an Oscar. Even though you're reeling, unfortunately you're the rational one in this. Put yourself first. Taking full financial control and insisting on full transparency isn't turning her into a child. It's protecting your interests. There's a wealth of help and support out there if she's ready to take it. Being too understanding leaves you open to further deceit and manipulation.
I'm the only female in my GA group I like to think that I add a different perspective . Compulsive gamblers are compulsive gamblers no matter what gender we all have the same common threads.
My wife has contacted a local insolvency practice and went through the process, they will take her old debt, add new debt – overdrafts and cards. For a fee of £50 a month on top of the repayment amounts which could be up to 10 years until clear – we still need to check.
I will not have to use my savings to bail her out.
We know the place she spoke to isn’t a charity, but the fee could knock years off the overall debt.
Also, we can’t go down the bankruptcy route, we can but is not advised as we have equity on our house and a high chance, we could lose our home.
She is still waiting on stepchange to get in touch, I understand that’s a charity!
The last time she went through debt management, the banks overdrafts were not included and she’s been paying the fees on the overdraft alone for the whole time. That was a charity she used.
Is there anything I should look out for?
I’m sure stepchange will explain the process but thought id ask here
Many thanks
Hi
Thats great about The GA meeting. Hopefully meetings like that will bring something out of her in terms of humility and we are all equal here.
I dont think the men are going to be giving her a problem because she is a woman...I would hope not. They should be respectful as with any member and I believe the meetings are structured with a group leader. If anything the issue affects both genders and the balance of the meetings should reflect that.
She could get a lot out of it in terms of reality because thats what she needs. She will hear stories which should open her mind. I dont know if she is shy or nervous but she will get out of it whats she puts into it...no need to fear it
On the finances all we are saying is dont be in a rush to look at any savings you may have and pay people off. I think in something you wrote you seemed quite keen to get things paid off straight away with savings....you will need your savings protected while you get careful financial advice from professionals like advisors at the CAB who have dealt with it all before many times
I would think that repayment gestures to your mother are a priority so Im saying there is a structure of who can wait and will be forced to wait in an organised financial plan
We are not financial advisors and you need financial advice. Yes Bankruptcy is a serious matter and it may not be an option if there are assets which will affect you.
What I am saying is you have to use every thought process so the debts dont worry any of you into stress or illness. To a point let the creditors do the worrying as you carefully plan what you can offer.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
I hear you all! Its still fresh and the knee j**k reaction was to use my savings. My mood was “well ive never had money anyway” – she is my wife, richer or poorer etc.
Todays insolvency people, from what I can gather – were not pressuring her but happy for her to sign up right away and she was happy to, but had to stall them to explain it to me etc. so I came here.
Like I said, were waiting on stepchange – its been mentioned a few times so will wait. I imagine they are quite busy and there are others.
The GA meeting went well, small group but they explained a lot more usually attend. Timing with covid and another local meeting cancelled or something, some confusion. Probably better it was quiet for her 1st.
1 man younger than her with the same online gambling habits but the rest were confused by the online way – all horse and dog men. When she did speak, that’s what they spoke about.
That younger guy - they had a chat afterwards but for her 1st meeting at least she came home with the idea someone else she has something in common with her.
A better day!
There's help out there CAB
STEPCHANGE. that don't charge a fee. Just be careful what you sign up for
Bailing a CG out rarely ends well. They have lost the connection between action and consequence and it just cushions them further. Mr L doubled the debt after a full bail out from me and my parents. After that and having taken full permanent financial control I made it his responsibility to contact the debt advice agencies and figure out what he was going to do. Helping them to remake that lost connection is one of the best and kindest things you can do long term hard though it seems now.
Yes, it’s a difficult time and making decisions when angry, confused, worried etc and making sure we are supporting her and seeking support, I probably assumed it had to be done immediately as it’s a emergency situation. Being so close to Christmas and with lockdown, shopping habits changing and work commitments all added to the pressure and realisation of ruin at this time.
My head was spinning and information overload didn’t help but gave me the sense of choice etc.
Its not the end of the world but difficult and I panicked – how could she do this, why did she do this, will we lose the house, divorce, the kids, my mother, my job – you all know how it goes!
Even now I feel im rambling but its helping me process and I thank this forum for this option.
Gambling is a bad thing in my mind and not something I have learned during my life – to be dabbled with, family history etc. its like finding out my wife was having an affair.
Im only noticing now its everywhere, I stopped for diesel at a petrol station the other day and saw gambling adverts or noticed them for the 1st time, even watched “the chase” on tv and noticed “sponsored by gala bongo” we watch that together.
It’s pretty shocking TBH but I feel im now either seeing it for the 1st time or making excuses for her actions. For example, last year I placed a bet in work, I think it was an accumulator, I picked a football team for £20 and everyone was exited about the potential win. I just felt it was a wasted of £20 even before we lost. I only placed the bet so not to be the odd one out. I didn’t have the notion to do it again to get the £20 back!
Listening to my wife’s explanation, now were calm and shes being honest – 1 small bet led to small wins, that become larger bets – to win more. Then large losses led to larger bets to cover the loss and debts. Its apparent that cutting those losses and paying the debts wasn’t an option and the chance to get back on top was at least in her mind real.
Again, im preaching to the choir but processing. I still haven’t reached out for help other than here, its still sinking in.
Thanks again.
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