hi, I live with a gambler and it has an impact on everything. We both work however, his wages go on paying off his debts and gambling leaving nothing after payday. Which leaves me struggling to pay the rent and household bills on my wages, he also expects me to buy him cigarettes and alcohol and he expects money to go out with at weekends. As of the new year I've stopped giving him money to go out with at weekends and have drastically cut down on the cigarettes I buy him. I've also been helping pay for his solicitor, anything to stop an argument. He's not a bad person, just very selfish. By doing all I do, I'm not giving him money to gamble but my actions allow him to, to use his words 'if I lived alone I would have to pay the bills anyway' . He has said that he has looked for help to stop but could find nothing locally however, when I looked there is lots of help out there. I've been blame because I work antisocial hours, so he gets bored but getting a job to fit in with his working hours is not the answer It got to the stage now where he said he was leaving and I didn't stop him but he didn't go, then I found out the true extent of his debts and I now think that he won't go as he would be homeless. I know that I am not responsible for his gambling but this is no life and I can't keep walking on eggshells with his moods and feeling used. Everything gets twisted to being my fault and stupidly I always take the blame and apologise, not that that makes a difference. i sound very selfish for saying all this but I hate not being able to go out and do things and if I buy something I can't tell him as he'll tell me I've wasted my money.
Stop being a doormat. It's a form of abuse he's putting you through making you believe it's all your fault. Get out of that poisinous relationship while you still can and seek help for yourself.
He has to want to change himself but it doesn't sound like he wants to. Nobody can make him do it. Leave him at it and get on with looking after yourself. Don't fall for any emotional balckmail either.
All the best
Hello stitch
I have to agree with what Sam said. I'm a compulsive gambler myself and I can see that he desperately needs help but he can't treat anybody like this nevermind someone close to him.
You mentioned he looked online for help but he said he couldn't find anywhere locally where as you found a few places where he could receive help. If he really wanted to turn things around he would go to these places to receive the help. He has obviously just lied to you.
You can't keep apologising for things that aren't your fault, I'm very lucky that I have a gf that now looks after my income and finances but she keeps her finances separate and spends that on whatever she likes. What I'm trying to say is that whether your boyfriend is a CG or not you should be able to spend your own money on the things you like to do and the things that make you happy otherwise your going to end up as sad and miserable as a CG does when they are losing money.
Do what's best for you. Good luck.
Attempted to talk tonight but as usual he gets defensive. I've said it's not right that because of his gambling it's costing me, called him out on his lies. I do not believe him when he says it will stop and he won't get help. Thank you for your words, they are what I already knew but sometimes it's good to hear others say it
Hi, Stitch
It's a rubbish situation to be in but you can make things better for you. Best advice is to continue doing what you have started by posting here: get help and support for you to cope with the situation that you are in. If you read round the forum, you will see a lot of common themes, including the blame that you've mentioned. Knowledge is power and if you know what to expect, you'll be better able to deal with it. The Helpline staff are very good and I would advise you to make the effort to go to GamAnon meetings. If he can't understand why you're doing these things, tell him calmly it's because his gambling is causing you a problem.
With the right targeted help and support, you'll be able to make the best decisions for you.
A warning though: it's about you doing what you can to help you. You can't "make" him do what it takes to stop gambling or otherwise address his problems. So keep the focus on you and what you need to do to be financially safe and emotionally safe.
Take care of you.
CW
I have no support. It's been over a week since he said he would find help and when questioned about it, the reply was 'he had looked into it'. He got very defensive when I said that looking wasn't taking action. He's a compulsive liar and when I question what he says, he gets defensive. Maybe i was wrong to tell him his gambling and debts have and do affect me but it's the truth. I want to tell his family how much of a problem his gambling is, as they try and help him with money, I'm not sure what reasons he gives for borrowing the money but that would cause worry for them and arguments here. Next step will be for me to seek help, not too sure where to go but I'm sure I'll find some
Hi, Stitch,
You can't fix him but you can make your own situation a lot better.
The best help is GamAnon meetings. GC run a helpline and net line and also offer counselling. There's a lot of info on the forum and a lot of publications about addiction out there.
Take care of you.
CW
Hi
The good thing is your partner realises he has a problem and you know about it so some of the secrecy has gone. That should make it slightly more difficult for him to gamble for a start and it gives you both a step on the ladder to help him. However he is fairly typical of someone with a gambling problem and is playing on your good nature and being manipulative and becoming selfish and wearing you down. Probably because the thoughts of gambling leave him with no room in his head for other peoples feelings. It is a sad situation for him and you but it is not your fault so stop blaming yourself for any of it. I suggest you pick up the phone and ring Gamcare to speak to someone. They will give you info and moral support. You also need to protect your finances and your welfare if he his flatly refusing to help himself. Also he could possibly be getting money out of his family for the gambling without them knowing and their finances could also be at risk so it is up to you whether to tell them or try and persuade him to own up to them. The worst thing to do is bail him out or lend him money. He needs to learn how to control his finances independently and very often the method of taking over control of their finances is a good thing - if you can get him to agree. I always suggest getting as much information as you can from gambling counsellers and websites, or even local gp has leaflets on it. Then when you have more knowledge sit him down when he is calm and put it all in front of him. Even suggest this site for him just to look at some of the posts. There are ways of you getting support but please do not be scared to pick up the phone, asking questions and keep posting on here where you will get plenty of listeners and support.
Good luck.
I'm a bloke and women are a whole lot better at advice then me.he doesn't have to change because he can manipulate you to what ever situation he wants. I get snappy as hell when iv lost. but I'd lie and say I had cigs or I'd borrow on sly to cover bills (if money made it too the bills!) alls I ever fealt was a outright guilt that I was ruining 2 people's lives. He just sounds like not a nice bloke. Like iv said I'm really not good at advice as I'm abit abrupt so if iv said wrong tell me I'll edit it if can
B
I think a lot of people will find your post useful because it is a really brave and honest insight into how anyone with this problem can start behaving out of character i.e. the manipulation, secrecy, lies etc. It also shows that while people are gambling they get a 5 minute high and then the great big low is how it affects everyone around them and I have witnessed how the low lasts much longer than the high. If you read some of the posts on here there is really good advice from both men and women. As a parent of a gambler thank you for helping me understand a little more about the problems of gambling and I daresay you have helped a few more who read your post. Good luck with your future.
Hello Stitch,
You're welcome to call our freephone 0808 8020 133 for emotional support, and for details of free counselling appointment services near you.
Another possible source of advice might be the 0808 2000 247 freephone 24 hour national domestic violence helpline, if you feel your partner's behaviour is abusive.
Take care,
Forum admin.
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