After over 10 years of marriage, all of it tainted and eroded by gambling and the lies etc it entails, I've told my husband it's over and he needs to leave. Since he's paying off the accumulated debts from his last relapse he is still living in the family home, me supporting and paying for everything, while he gets himself in a position financially to move out. With his being the father of our kids I couldnt bring myself to throw him out with nowhere to go and no money to get somewhere.
So, almost a year on he's still here and seems to be stringing it out as long as possible. If I would give him another chance he'd stay but I've had enough and can't continue living like this anymore. I feel responsible for breaking up the family even though it is through his actions, so it's reassuring to read other posts that CGs are all the same when it comes to manipulation. He had me believeing he gambles because our marriage has been unhappy. The fact is he has gambled all his adult life, long before he met me, and our marriage has been unhappy because I have never been able to trust him and have been betrayed time after time.
I dont know why I've posted today, I'm not looking for answers. I know what I want to do and why I'm doing it. I just feel a bit stronger knowing I'm not alone.
Rock/hard place
Hi am in the same place as you I have told him several times over the last couple of years that he should move out. I finally made him leave two weeks ago. Its very up and down emotion wise but a lot easier on my own. I had to do it for my own peace and sanity. He has gone to stay at his daughters so I feel I have moved the problem onto them which is hard I know and all he says is that he is somewhere he doesn't want to be - but he made those choices by being on his phone. Your husband/partner is making his own choices and is not thinking about the impact on you. When I said that he had to move out his first words were I will go when I find somewhere and I said that he would never be able to afford somewhere else as he has no money but he could go and stay with his daughter. He had no answer for that. You have to fight for you.... not fight to try and help him change. Imagine all the effort you are putting into making him better or for him to change - Stop and turn all that effort you are giving to someone who doesn't appreciate or want on to yourself you deserve it otherwise it will make you go mad and make you ill and he wont be there to help, as that would be doing something nice or putting someone ahead of himself. Send him to a friends a family member and stick with it. It's not easy and I miss my husband and I have bad days and good days (today is a good day) but he's not going to support/help or be in any way a decent person, just a selfish/childish emotional drainging free loader who can play his little games and not contribute to life or bills. You are far too nice a person and deserve more than this rubbish you and we all put up with from someone who couldn't care less. It only impacts on them when you change the rules. Then you will find out it's all about how he feels not you. Take a chance on you, you are the only reliable person in this family and I am sure you will have friends who will support you. I send you all the luck you need but I also know if I can do it you can. Take care of you xx
Thanks for your comments NWNH! Sadly my husband has nowhere to go. He has very little family and none that he's clsoe to, emotionally or geographically. And he has no close friends (apparently he keeps people at arms length because of the gambling). So, until he's in a position to leave and look after himself I'm stuch with him. Out kids are at primary school and I cant subject them to watching him flounder and sink without trace just because I want him out asap. So, I'm resolved to hanging in there until we can separate as easily as possible for the children. However, I AMresolved that we will separate and I AM deteremined that my children will suffer as little as possible and I WILL be the parent providing them with stability. After years with this man, I have come to the conclusion that I've wasted enough years trying to fix someone who doesnt want to be fixed and I wont be dragged down with him and I certainly wont let me children be dragged down. Thanks again for your words, they really do help xx
Is he working and if he's still gambling he has got the money to leave. He will string it out as that is what they are very good at manipulation is the name of the game for them. If he can't or wont move out can he be left to fend for himself or are you already doing this? Do what ever makes you happy and if you need to chat let me know xx
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