Emotional abuse, lies and manipulation by gambling partner - my story

As someone who was a liar and gambler, I'm hoping you will make the decision to live YOUR life, YOUR way and not waste it on him. He has had enough chances, perhaps you leaving him for good will finally make him wake up and get help. I'm reformed now and have a good business, amazing family and a good life. If I kept up the gambling, I'd have nothing to show for my 45 years. Time is short, don't waste your time, go and make a life for yourself and be happy. You deserve to be happy again. He is a lost cause and although it'll be hard, you must break free, to be YOU again. I wish you all well.

Hi... Must admit I have only read your first post and even then I haven't fully absorbed the detail, but even so its clear for any outsider to see that this fella is a deeply psychologically flawed individual. It sounds like his narcissism is a deeply ingrained part of his personality and in this sense he will never change. Expect more of the same if you choose to stay with him.

As your family and others have suggested, don't make excuses for him and question your assertion that you love him?? What is love??... is it not more the case that you have become trapped within a dysfunctional relationship and now is the time to exit stage left.

All the best with finding a way forward

Hello all,

Just want to add some resources for anyone who is reading this recently resurfaced topic from 2019. 

How to recognise different forms of abuse:

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/What-is-abuse

Where to get help and support:

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/How-can-we-support-you (England)

https://womensaid.scot/ (Scotland)

https://www.welshwomensaid.org.uk/ (Wales)

https://www.womensaidni.org/ (Northern Ireland)

If you are affected by someone else's gambling, with or without the other damaging behaviours mentioned in the previous posts, you can contact us at The National Gambling Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Livechat with us. We're here 24/7. 

Best wishes

Deirdre
Forum Admin

I never managed to leave him. Some things improved in our relationship since I originally posted and we stayed together. At one point he repaid all of the money he owed me and I thought he had turned over a new leaf, hence why I moved in with him, thinking we were about to have a wonderful life together.

Since then I've had money go missing, he hasn't paid for a single thing apart from the odd meal and now owes me over £6.5k all within a matter of months. My savings are all gone. I thought I was strong enough to handle him and support him to change but he leaves me feeling stupid and worthless. 

What hurts the most is the gaslighting. I found a pen in our bedroom which looked like the ones they have in the bookies. I asked him and he got very defensive saying it's a common-sized pen and I shouldn't accuse him. Then I found the receipt he had forgotten to dispose of to confirm my fears. He claimed he had a spare £40 so went to the bookies which angered me as he never has a penny for petrol, the bills or even the food shop. I even ended up paying for our honeymoon. The pattern continues.

Long term he said his credit rating is so bad he can't be on a mortgage so my dream of owning a home is feeling impossible. I constantly find him opening new online bank accounts which makes me wonder about his double life. This morning he pressured me into borrowing money so he can start yet another business which will apparently repay the debt he owes me. So now I'm back to paying him to work which feels ridiculous even admitting.

I wanted to believe in miracles but I've realised they don't exist with him. I am really isolated, miles away from my family and friends, regretting my decision.  

Good Evening

Thank you for sharing how things have been for you since you last posted.

I  am sorry to hear that you have continued to have a tough time. What you have been experiencing is a lot to go through and gaslighting you is never okay. My colleague had left some links back in March that you may find useful as well as information on how you can get in touch with us for one to one support. 

We have an affected others chatroom that operates on a Monday at 11.30am and additionally a women's chatroom that is open on Saturdays at 6.30pm both for an hour. 

Take Care of yourself

Ricki 

Forum Admin

Hi @feelingexploited

I've read your story and it's a tough read. I developed a gambling addiction many years ago and I didn't ask my partner for help. She caught me out. She stood by me and helped.

A few years later, I relapsed and got into over £50k of debt. This time, I asked for help. But rather than keep it our secret, I was open with all my family and closest friends. This time, it had to be different. I had to get better, for good. Fortunately, my partner stuck by me again but I knew this was my last chance. Currently over a year gamble free.

What concerns me about your story is the gaslighting. Lying, deceit and acting out of character are all common symptoms for a gambling addict. But in your position, you are now left with two options. He either has to be completely honest with you and admit that he needs help or you need to walk away. He should not, cannot and must not ever blame you for his actions. "Popping into the bookies with a spare £40" simply isn't an option for an addict. It's all or nothing. Chances are, he made up a story to justify the receipt you found, but it's not even a scratch on the surface.

DO NOT LEND HIM ANY MONEY. It will only end up in one place... the bookies/casinos pocket. My wife now has total control over our finances. I have a small allowance each week and that's it. She has locked my bank cards aware, except for a monzo account, which she checks the statements of regularly and questions anything that looks out of place. This was hard to get used to, but I'm genuinely okay with this now. I needed help and she is doing exactly that.

You need to look after yourself. You can't help someone that doesn't want it and isn't willing to help themselves. If you stick around, he needs to understand how lucky he is and be fully open to what lies head. If you leave, you haven't done anything wrong. Nobody will blame you and deep down, even he won't blame you. 

I'm sending lots of good wishes your way. This is a horrible illness and it destroys peoples lives, including addicts family. Tough decisions lie ahead for you both. But don't let him ruin your life.

Darling, you really need to try and break ties with this man and get away, hes not only a gambler but he is ruining your self esteem and abusing you. Hes just using you like a pawn to get what he wants for him self. Its incredibly selfish and cruel. I know its not easy to break up in relationships but sometimes you have to be strong and do whats best for yourself. I am currently going through the process of having to sell a house me and my partner bought only 8 months ago as his gambling and C*****e addictions are out of control. He promised me the world to move in with him and start a life yet hes only gotten worse since we moved. I refuse to waste any more time on him because I want and deserve a happy stable relationship and children one day. He can never give me those things and only takes for himself. If please keep posting so we kmow how you're getting on. X

Good Morning,

I have read through these posts and they are heartbreaking. My initial reaction was anger. The injustice in these stories is overwhelming.

To the original poster, trust issues? Your partner cheated on you, he takes everything from you and offers nothing in return. Any lack of trust is wholly justified.

You seem like a lovely person who deserves so much more and to be treated with respect. 

Your post was so powerful that I hope you find the strength to leave and start over. Each of us is different, and its easy for others to say,  but I cannot imagine life being worse on my own that in such a toxic relationship. I hope you find the courage to leave. You have a long life ahead of you and he is not the partner to go on that journey with.

I wish all of you future happiness and I am  so very sorry for the predicament you currently find yourselves in. God give you strength.

RR

Posted by: @feelingexploited

Hello everyone,

My partner refuses to admit he is a compulsive gambler or seek help. I reached out to his brother last year (which angered my bf as it brought to light to his family he was still gambling) who told me he is a gambling addict and has been since he was a teenager. He begged me not to give him a penny. However, unwittingly I have fallen for his every lie and ended up enabling him accidentally. He has lied about emergencies multiple times or even charity work. Any excuse you can think of, he has used it to guilt trip me into giving him money. I love him so much I don't let him hit rock bottom. I have stood by him throughout everything as he desperately needs help but I can't even get him to admit he has an issue! He accuses me of spying on him or playing games if I mention gambling.

When I first met him he was wonderful, generous and charismatic but it was all a façade. Less than two weeks into the relationship he claimed his bank account had been hacked and he needed to borrow £30 to get home. Every penny he spent on our first two dates he clawed back very quickly. It all went downhill from there and since then he has coerced me to give him thousands in cash which he refuses to return as he feels it is compensation for our relationship troubles. He is a narcissist at his worst and it feels like I am in love with two different people. I no longer even keep a record of how much he borrows to avoid feeling more upset. He repeatedly changes bank accounts too and follows gambling sites on social media. I know he spends a lot of time playing poker and placing bets on football.

He is a master manipulator and convinces me everything is for "us". The money he borrows is for "our future" - the business ideas always conveniently fail. But at the time I feel so pressured I give him the money. He plays on my insecurities and will tell me one of his exes will lend him the money if I don't. Due to his refusal to pay me back we have argued and split up a few times but never for more than 3 weeks. I hit rock bottom last year when I discovered he had been having a long distance affair with and on/off ex-girlfriend. She called me out of the blue as after he had proposed to me, he had called her to ask her if she wanted to give things another go. He convinced me to give him another chance and eventually called her in front of me to end the affair. He was apologetic but I do have trust issues and he has refused couples counselling and calls it "s***", telling me they're my trust issues. It is hard to know when he is lying or being honest now.

With the other woman, we compared our version of his stories, it was humiliating but eye-opening. She asked me if he would say my wages were "our money" and at the time I said no. However, yesterday he said "aww, babe, we get paid tomorrow, I can't wait". The penny dropped. I work so hard to earn every penny I have commuting long distances to work and WE get paid. He was trying to manipulate me into believing he had a right over my money again, like he manipulated her. The hardest part for me is I don't earn that much money and he routinely manipulates me into sending him food, it is usually at least 5 or 6 times a week and soon adds up to nearly £100 a week. But he still expects me to pay for every date we go on and even expects food as an apology after an argument. He has drained my savings from the second he discovered I had them and some months I am left in difficult situations.

I have tried to establish boundaries or give him less money than he asked for, but it frustrates me he has the nerve to ask time and time again. Currently, he is working and I thought things would change but he would rather spend his money on hotels breaks for himself instead of budgeting for the month. I just feel like nothing changes. Regardless of whether or not he works, he expects me to fund his lifestyle or he becomes very moody and will make you feel like nothing. He tells me I am selfish or if that does not work he will try being nice. It is almost as if I have to pay him to treat me as a human being. This whole process has been so degrading.

He struggles to hold down a job and uses his depression as an excuse for sympathy during periods of unemployment. I have looked after his every need from his food, clothes to phone bill. Even if I give him £100 so he does not feel like has to beg me for food that week, he will meet up and still refuse to pay for anything on a date. He often will say he can't afford to pay and won't meet me, knowing full well I will pay just to see him for a few hours. He is always busy unless I am treating him to a nice meal or day out. From reading other posts I know his disappearances are probably when he gambles. Sometimes his phone is off for 4 or 5 hours. He always lies about when his shifts are at work too.

He was prescribed tablets for his depression but I know he does not take them. Whenever he does find a job he becomes really horrible towards me, especially if he makes new friends. He tells me I am jealous his life is back on track. His jobs never lasts. He has a few friends in real life but most are online friends. A lot of girls follow him on social media and he will flirt with them to make me feel hurt or jealous. He makes attention-seeking posts up all the time which simply did not happen.

To everyone else he is a wonderful guy with morals and a great sense of humour but I have experienced first hand how verbally abusive and manipulative he really is. He constantly gaslights me or will turn things around to make them my fault. He tells his friends I am controlling etc. I feel like I have become very bitter as a result of this relationship and he has destroyed my self-esteem. He makes me doubt myself.

However, our relationship has many positives which have kept me there. We got on really well and when we are going through a good patch he is truly amazing. But it never lasts for more than a few weeks before he starts asking for money again leaving me wondering if his feelings are even real? Somewhere, deep down inside of him I do believe he does love me and I try and see his gambling as an illness. But my family say I am making excuses for him and can't see how psychologically and financially abusive he is. Maybe I do, but struggle to accept it.

Today, I am trying again to end this relationship and stick to my decision. He blocked me last night but has unblocked me this morning (more mind games). I know he is going through a hard time but I am tired of being exploited. His behaviour and mood swings are all in line with his addiction and I have been tolerant thinking I need to support him. But he has clearly gambled for years and is now an adult still in denial. I am torn between wanting to support him and trying again to walk away from him for good and protect myself. We have discussed moving in together and marriage but the thought of him gambling our lives away scares me and I feel like his affair has caused lasting damage as much as I try and move forward.

I spoke to GamCare today after it was suggested by a counsellor I had arranged privately. I have lost my own friends and family who avoid me as their solution is simple - LEAVE HIM. But it's hard when you love someone to just turn your back on them. I just feel like I have nobody left to talk to and they all expect me to be so relieved when we split up but I am usually in pieces. I miss him as he is a huge part of my life. Has anyone else struggled to walk away or been in a similar situation? I feel like I am desperately searching for a light at the end of a tunnel. Is his behaviour typical of a compulsive gambler?

I would love to know what the last comment said but it was deleted. Sometimes I wonder if my husband found my forum post and worked out this is all about him.

@mrlyndhurst - you were right. I only saw the tip of the iceberg. My world and marriage came crashing down recently when I finally managed to get into his phone whilst it was unlocked. It has left me shaking, unable to sleep and in a very lonely place. He never stopped gambling. But there was also a barrage of evidence to show he never stopped cheating either. The man I married, took home to my family and introduced to my friends and work colleagues, worked tirelessly to reintegrate into my life and get accepted by everyone, and was trying for a baby with - was a fraud all along. He is more depraved than I could have imagined.

Since my last post we stayed together for nearly a year. I always felt like I don't know who he really is anymore. He was never really present in the moment. His eyes were always vacant. He was moody unless around his own family. He was shady about his phone. I kept thinking Covid drew us apart before the marriage. He ruined every special occasion with his narcissism causing arguments or somehow making the event revolve around him. We were always the first to leave parties or argued there as he would randomly demand money or create issues with my social circle. He did his best to isolate me.

I worked 24 hours a day - fulltime and like a domestic slave. He lived in shocking filth and refused to help around the house. Our bedroom looked like a pigsty. He could not function like an adult. Messy eating, diabolical habits. Only when he was going out to see other people did he shower, gel his hair which he constantly dyed and brushed his teeth. For me he wouldn't even shower or change his clothes. He was an absolute slob who would morph into a handsome man the second he needed to go outside.

He would spend him time loudly watching the same videos on repeat on his phone whilst I tried to sleep before work. Things were pretty bad but my self-esteem was already at rock bottom and I was desperately trying to save our marriage. He continued to coerce me into paying him money to the point I've now lost nearly 12k. There were weeks I couldn't afford to eat or feed both of us, scouring the supermarkets for reduced items. His solution? Borrow money from your family. I always put him first. His preferred meals were cooked. His snacks were the only ones that came home.

He would come home in the middle of the night claiming he was working but any money he gave me was soon borrowed back. Sometimes there was no money after his so called night shift. He later admitted he went to gamble thinking I would believe he had come clean about everything and give him another chance. The lack of sleep has destroyed my health and left me falling behind at work. I am unwell. I paid for us to go traveling but even on holiday he continued to act like I didn't exist. He was glued to his phone and only posted social media pictures which looked like he was travelling solo. When times would get tough and I would summon the courage to leave he would bombard me with affection, promises, showing glimpses of the man I fell in love with and the man he could be. However, it was all a façade. I discovered he was messaging women all along, on our anniversary, my birthday and all of the holidays I paid for. I feel so stupid.

The first red flag appeared when we got married but our intimate life was at zero - he made excuses to avoid me, blaming me for killing his mood, until I found his blue pills on our honeymoon and thought he must have ED. I tried to support him through it. He was defensive, refused to go to the doctor. It was so clear he wasn't interested in me or attracted to me anymore but he kept insisting he loved me and that there is more to a relationship. He was very caring at times in other ways but deep down I was miserable and he was refusing to let the relationship end. Now I know why... He had another addiction alongside his gambling addiction which turned my world upside down. What truly devastated me was he has been paying P*rn stars/P*********s regularly with money he extorted from me. Not only that but had gotten someone else pregnant whilst we were engaged and had been rekindling an affair with her too. But she wasn't the only woman... He had multiple "long-term girlfriends" - women who all think he was exclusive with him. Not to mention the girls he picked up off dating apps for one night stands. His profile picture on one of the apps was a photo taken on our wedding day! I was disgusted in how he had EVERY interest in the bedroom with other women, just not his wife.

I sat there and read the messages in disgust. All of his life suddenly made sense. I thought I was only dealing with the gambling and stealing money from me, but he was cheating on me in shocking ways. He had the audacity to deny it first, then tell me we can work through this and he is ready to truly change. However, the trust is finally gone, not only in him but in everything for me. I now have to wait weeks for the sexual health clinic results and get retested to allow for other diseases to be detected. I am glad I not pregnant. I am glad I know the truth. But it doesn't hurt any less and my own health is a state after months on edge. He married me for the sole purpose of treating me like an unlimited cashpoint and domestic slave. I also boosted his credentials within his family. He had a loving, respectable wife to mask his true identity.

I finally left our home. My friends have been really supportive. I am off work at the moment but will go back as soon as I can. The nights are difficult and I have a thousand weak moments a day where I sob uncontrollably. He has no idea how much damage he has done now I know the extent to which he gaslighted me and abused me. I will be going through with a divorce. Some of his family members have said I need to stop being stupid and support him as he has realised what he has lost and needs support to change. However, I know him all too well now. I want this nightmare to end once and for all.

 Hello feelingexploited

Your post is heartbreaking to read and I sincerely hope that you accept the offer of support from your friends.  Please don't be alone and keep reaching out here on the Forum.

Along with the Forum we have Advisers available 24/7 to help you through this.  You can contact an Adviser by calling our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or using our LiveChat, WhatsApp or Facebook options.  I encourage you to contact us so we can discuss the best way to get the support in which you need and deserve.

Please be gentle with yourself!

Best

Amanda

Forum Admin

I just wanted to say … well done!  Well done for finally walking away.  It could not have been easy.  My Daughter was in a similar position as you.  Her husband would not stop gambling.  She gave by him 3 chances and asked for help from his family members.  She was fully supported by his family and left this year.  Thankfully she wasn’t with him for long.

we have since heard from a family friend that he contacted them to ask if he could be part of their gambling syndicate.  Was told by family friend absolutely no!

it’s sad benign he is asking to go into a syndicate he is almost certainly betting again!  He can’t go online but I expect he is just using cash it and in-house card.

Stay strong my lovely you are an inspiration x