Hi,
I am the wife of a compulsive gambler, iI am with him 11 years - all of which he has been a compulsive gambler. Recently got 3 months recovery but has gone back harder than ever. He says he wants to stop but his actions dont really show it. He is hurting badly and has asked me not to give in when he asks but it can be very hard as I hate how bad the fights can get and take the easy way out.
He has gone to a meeting recently but it isnt enough in my opinion to stay off.
i recently read an article that really changed my perspective. I realised I am enabling him and have made this situation alot longer than it should have been. I didnt realise what I was doing was so bad and why I done these things.
I realise I have to stop giving him money and believing one last time. It has got extremely toxic and we have children so I need to be the strong one.
my question here is what is enabling?
So i control the finances and we allocate a few hundred each for food, desiel etc. the rest goes to bills or car repairs savings (which never happens) stuff like that.
this month he insisted he was ok to have his money in revolut (no card & gambling block on) but then proceeded to send it to someone who gave him the cash/ put a bet on for him. He was honest straight away.
Am I enabling if I give him money from our savings for diesel? I would put it in the car & because we pool our finances & he earns more than me - it is technically his.
also i was taking on his addiction and it took me to a depressive state. I am letting go control and here if he needs me to get better. Where does it become ignoring the problem or just detaching? Im unsure how to do this.
i have joined a support group to help also.
Thank you!
@anon209 Well done on your post.
It feels as though you are blaming yourself and holding yourself accountable for this situation a lot... You did not ask for any of this and he has taken the action to gamble.
Are you enabling him? He is enabling himself! If it gets to the point that you are managing the money and he is then transferring money to a 3rd party to make bets I fail to see how you are enabling him?
It sounds as though you are being bullied into giving in and I fail to see how that is you enabling him?
You are clearly not ignoring a problem.
I think that you have the 100% right to demand more from him in tackling his gambling issue. Yes a gambling problem is a mental health issue, yes a gambler can feel motivated and can lie and cheat to gamble. However these are not excuses for bad behaviour and you deserve to expect more.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
