Hello everyone, This is my first time here, I am at a loss because I feel like nobody close to me actually understands what I am going through ... I have been reading through your posts and see a lot of you have also went through similar issues so was hoping for some sound advice.
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years.. I found out about his chronic gambling addiction about 10 months into our relationship.. I thought I could help him deal with it. I haven't.
I can't even count how many times we have went through this since being together in such a short space of time. Some times worse than others... Times he blew his entire wage for a month (nearly £2,000) in one night or times he would go up the town "to get a haircut and lunch with his friends" with £30-£50" and come home with no haircut and have not eaten. The lies about this, have affected my trust in so many other aspects of our relationship.
My problem is I'm too soft. I always wanted to be supportive and stick by him through thick and thin! I thought it doesn't matter about the money, we will always get through it.. I told myself "support him to he gets the help he needs by going to counselling etc, he can't do it without your support" because he would say that he wanted to change... I thought right well He KNOWS he has a problem AND he WANTS to change he just needs me to be there for him.
But I would look up where the Gam Anon meetings where held and when, dropped him off once and he never went back even though he came out of it and said he felt so much better but that he had it under control now and It wouldn't happen again.. I even tried to arrange Hypnotherapy sessions as I had tried everything else, but each time there was excuses about how he "couldn't go" because he had to do this or that or he was " too tired".
Every time he had a relapse I bailed him out, I got loans from my parents.. Then My sister to pay them back.. Then Loan agencies to pay her back.. And my credit card.. Just to pay rent each month! Each time also having to lie to my own family about where our money had gone or what I needed it for. I don't want to be lying to my family. I also can't tell them about his problem because they will judge him.
I am only 22 and i am over £1000 worth of debt not due to my own fault... I have been dealing with this since I was 19. He is only 25 himself but has grown up with gambling being part of his life for so long, his mother had a gambling addiction. His uncle. His cousin. His granny.. All of his friends do it, they bet constantly. It's what they all do for a hobby around this town! There is a bookies on every corner of every street, So that's another reason I end up feeling sorry for him because no matter how hard he tries, there's so much temptation. I can't ask him to cut out all of his lifelong friends because of their gambling. I did ask him to be honest with them though and tell them about his issue but he's too proud for anyone to know! His whole life is football and he enjoys sport so When he watches that, it gives him so much urge to put a bet on!
The worst part of it all is my father had/has his own severe gambling addiction. I listened for years as my parents argued about money and still do.. I do not want to live like that and I do not want my little girl to hear us arguing like that. My dad is not the man he used to be either because of depression.. Depression caused by years of gambling. Years of lies. Years of accumulated debts. I don't want to see him to go down the same road..
I feel now the only way to help my boyfriend is the tough love approach. At the end of the day I still love him very much and care for him so I can't help but worry about what he might do should I leave him. . I have researched so much about gambling addictions and how to help, i close and banned the debit card from all online sites and I offered him rehab! a lot of what I have read today (after he blew £800 last night and we are sitting in a freezing house unable to buy oil or pay rent next week) says "do not give ultimatums. Try be supportive etc" but I have done this before.
I have taken control of finances over 1yr & a half ago , I am left to deal with all the worries of bills by myself.. Worrying every so often where are we going to get the money for electric, groceries.. he still manages to get money off me for miscellaneous things and then would blow it. Then come back upset and begging for forgivenesses I am starting to resent him even though I know it's an illness.. I want to be in a relationship with respect. How can I have respect for him when he leaves us in such a bad way.
we recently got engaged but I don't want to have to worry about will he blow our wedding savings, will he pawn my ring.. If we eventua lly buy a house will we lose it because of this illness. And my biggest fear is what if he does lose so much someday that he hurts himself?
should I support him this time again? Or should I scare him by leave and make him sort himself out himself. I feel like he has to hit rock bottom and be left with nothing before he realises because each time I have stuck by him it hasn't taught him a lesson, he obviously thinks that it doesn't matter if I mess up she will still be there.. I don't want to be here this time. I'm so emotionally drained and fed up with "sorry"
Hi, Char,
I'm sorry to hear what's happening to you.
re apologies, I had the opposite from my husband of twenty years, who turned out to be a CG - "sorry" really did seem to be the hardest word. And there was no need for him to say it anyway because it was all my fault and change obviously had to come from me. It seems that there are two extremes from CGs who are not about to tackle their problem any time soon, either gut wrenching apologies of the utmost sincerity that are forgotten in the rush to the nearest casino etc or the big freeze, as I had. Neither have anything to do with recovery.
However, I do agree with HL - there's no need for your OH to change anything, knowing that you'll sort it, that you won't leave him out in the cold for too long. Why would he bother? So for what it's worth, I think you're asking yourself the right questions about what you should tolerate. No prizes for tolerating the intolerable. And he will forget about each bailout quicker and quicker as he goes off to gamble it. And the losses will just increase, the addiction is progressive.
Can you think about the next bit without taking offence? None is intended: There is a thread running through your post that's based on a total fallacy. You seem to want to save him from himself and sort everything thing out for him, make everything right. But Char, you can't, it simply isn't within your control to do it. Your standing by him no matter what he does won't make him change. Kicking him out won't make him stop. No one else has enough influence or control to make an addict stop using, not the family, not friends, not clergy, no one can make an addict stop, whether they care or they just care professionally or they don't care at all. No one. You saw this with your father and it's the same now: the only person who can chose between recovery and continued gambling is the CG. The three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. Things can change - for you - but only when you buy into this idea. You deserve better, you are worth so much more abut you need to get the help and support for you to cope with this and to stop letting him - or anyone else - walk all over you.
There's a lot of info on the forum but best is GamAnon, they're group meetings of people with the same problem who encourage and support each other. GA is separate for the gamblers.
Focus on what you need, take care.
CW
Hi Char, my advice, don't marry him, well certainly don't rush to! HL & CW know the pain from your side of things & have given you sound advice but I am a CG & want to come from a different angle! After nearly 3 decades of destruction, I am finally in recovery...Not to boast but I have a good job, a husband now & stability. My mother, who is also a CG has nothing, she maintains she does not have a problem...She lives in my flat, I have her wages coming into one of my accounts & she uses a joint credit card (with me) with no cash facility because that is the only way I can guarantee any bills will be paid plus she has just gone back to work having retired from 28 years of teaching a lifetime ago. Periodically, we get the puppy dogs eyes, tears & remorse with promises that she will never ever gamble again as she 'breaks down' & comes clean about the latest problem! Admits the amount of debt she has gotten herself into, admits to things like: 'borrowing' money that she has previously sworn black was blue she hadn't touched, pawning family jewellery that she was looking after, taking out a log book loan on a little Kia that I bought her (@ £300 per month interest) and someone bails her out! Used to be me but mostly it was & now is only ever my Nan who has pretty much lost her mind over it & randomly insists that my mum pays her back x or else. In her aging head she knows that my mum has not a pot to pee in, leading to more frustration & more upset! I don't ask for presents on birthdays or @ Christmas, "you know me" Mum says, "I don't go into all that!"...All I have ever asked for, for as long as I can remember is for her to stop gambling! You know these feelings, you have lived them & more besides, it really hurts. Thing is, my Mum doesn't need to accept she has a problem because there is always a solution.
What I'm trying to say in a clumsy way is get help for you! Protect yourself & your baby @ any cost both emotionally & financially because whilst he is surrounded by people who accept gambling as the norm & does not need to take responsibility for his actions (because you are a caring person who accepts that it is an illness & therefore puts him before yourself)! It maybe an illness but there is help out there & if he is not willing to get it, why should you keep investing your time & emotion in him when he invests none in you! You are young with your whole life ahead of you, you shouldn't be hurting like this. Get yourself some support & decide what your boundaries are going to be then lay them down! If he wants to continue behaving like a child, then he does it on your terms, providing receipts for every penny he gets or no money. No money = No gamble! It's not the solution because finances are only the enabler for this addiction but if you're looking after them then you shouldn't have to budget & re-budget everytime he lets you down!
Time to put yourself first - ODAAT
Hi Char
Im the mum of a son who is a compulsive gambler.
My son doesn't live with us any more after being told to leave after years of living with his gambling got too much for us.
My son is only 20 and his gambling started while he was still at school, scratch cards and slot machines to start with and by the time he was 18 he was a very serious gambler. From the very begging of his gambling I knew something was wrong, and I was always trying to help fix it, after all Im his mum its my job - or so I thought.
For 5 years we just kept going round in circles, he'd mess up and I picked up the pieces every time, bailed him out, paid debts and each time he made promises that he never kept. Eventually it all got too much and he was told to leave, we dont have any contact with him at the moment. He owes us 3K that we'll never get back and the the debt letters still pile up every week.
A year ago I started counselling that Gamcare arranged for me and I learned a lot about my son and more importantly about myself. I didnt see that my helping my son was infact enabling him, why would he want to stop when I went into mum mode and "fixed" things for him. This went on for 5 years and he never got any better only got worse, a lot worse, he was out of control.
His girlfriend told me we dont support him and obvioulsy dont love him as much as she does, I told her it was because we love him we have to let him sort this out for himself. He manipulates her just the same as he did with us, empties her bank account frequently gives her hell, he promises never do it again and the whole cycle starts again for her.
I told her to leave him, I knew full well the heartache it would cause my son but I knew what it is doing to her and it was only going to get worse. She said he needed support and we didnt give to him and he needed her, I tried explaining that all she was doing was letting him continue, you can't support a cg in denial. If I saw her again I'd still be telling her to leave him.
It isnt your job to help your boyfriend, you cant make him stop gambling, nothing you say or do will change that, only he can decide if he wants recovery and obvious he doesnt.
I know how worried you are about the idea he might hurt himself, I was frantic with worry over my son, constantly worried he would hurt himself, he told me several times he would, it felt like I was being emotionally black mailed. In the end I realised I have no control over him what so ever and it was my fear that he might hurt himself was holding me back.
Dont under estimate how calculating and devious a cg can be, you must protect yourself from their destructive behaviours both finacially and emotionally. Get yourself as much support as you can always put yourself first.
Take care
Char,
Your story is similar to mine and I feel the anguish and despair you're feeling right now....like there's no way out and you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Whatever you decide to do is your decision alone, my only advice to you is to stick to it no matter how hard it feels. If leaving him is that decision then be aware....Gamblers are, by nature, very convincing, manipulating and great liars. He will use every trick and promise in the book that this time things will be different, he will stop...blah, blah, blah.....he will ask you to stay with him, help and support him....when he realises that you aren't backing down like usual, then he will turn nasty, self pitying, blame you.....be strong and stand your ground. It will kill you inside as you say in your post that you still love and care about him very much but he has to realise his selfishness is having a profound effect on you mentally, emotionally and physically....which will in turn effect your little girl. Like you say, hitting rock bottom could be what he needs and a lot of people say the same....that it is then the catalyst to sorting themselves and their addiction out. For some it works....for my husband it didn't and we are back to square one....but that is another story.
Now is the time to put yourself and the needs of your little one first instead of him. He doesn't deserve it I'm afraid, as harsh as that may sound. Be selfish. You deserve to feel settled, happy not worried about money as he's bet with it all, fearing him pawning your engagement ring, worrying what kind of stressful future you will have together....no one wants to have a future like that. You deserve better. If he wants you he will have to work at getting you back. Stopping gambling. Attending counselling. Self excluding from websites and bookies. Making real, long term changes. It has to come from him. You don't make him gamble. You can't make him stop. The important thing to remember is that you matter too so take control back of your life and make him grow up and take control of his own.
Good luck and keep posting for support
All the best,
Sad x
Hi
of course i have a similar story:-( i have a partner who is a cg and since i have been with him , 5 years, we have hardly had a month without furious rows on pay day. At the beginning like you i thought i could help him if i supported him through it but i cant. Ive tried by taking over his finances, be arranging councelling but when it came down to it he said he could sort it himself. He cant, or he wont is more like it.
ive thrown him out countless times over the years and in the end given in after finding him hiding in the shed or sleeping on the beach when its been snowing outside. I tried to be strong but when the anger subsided i just worried myself sick and felt too guilty .
as soon as he was back immediately it was as if nothing had happened and he was all sweetness and light. Never any remorse , no sorry, just resentment that i had made him go through that.
i always dread and still do, payday as he would change into a different person. Competely obsessed with gambling until it was gone, sometimes a morning, sometimes a couple of days.
last friday it was payday and by the afternoon it was all gone. Didnt tell me as usual and showed no sign of anything wrong, but i know the signs. I couldnt face confronting him until monday as i didnt want a miserable weekend but in the end i did. Matter of factly he just said, i lost it. He didnt want to talk about it as it stressed him out and just walked away.
I threw him out there and then, i was so angry . Done it so many times before though!
he has been sleeping rough since then in the woods apparently near home. He has his work uniform and the clothes he stands up in, thats all. He has been turning up at work but i cant imagine what they think. I tried not to but was worried so i txtd him last night to ask him if ok. He said his legs hurt and he was hungry and then went on about how he has to ' think' . The main thing he is concentrating on is survival from day to day.
what sort of life is that? To me that would be rock bottom but he seems to have accepted it!!!
i think perhaps there is no hope for him 🙁
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