After a difficult 4 wk where my partner told me he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me which resulted in him
 admitting I wasn’t the problem he was, that he loved me and did t want to lose me. I told him I thought he was depressed (he’s not been right for around 8mth) and he agreed and said he’d ring gp and seek counselling. Initially much better but 2 wk later he wasn’t right again. Again we talked and got a lot out. Then a week later he admitted to being in a substantial amount of debt 2 credit cards and big overdraft and said he couldn’t see a way out other than ending things with me & me getting him his equity from the house but that wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted our relationship but needed help and that this was what the last few mth had been about.
He agreed he was drinking too much and not communicating properly and needed counselling to address the root of the moods and address the gambling. He said he’d go to GA. Transfer me his wage all except outgoings but wouldn’t let me see statements & just gave me figures and ask me to try get the money released from equity. I told him I needed to think about it all and wanted to talk about it all to which he said he didn’t want to talk because he couldn’t give me answers.Â
Upshot here is that 3 wk down the line he’s put gamstop on his phone (which I’m pleased about) and given me his credit cards but that’s it. He’s not removed them online, he’s still paying for stuff as if nothings the problem yet is in his overdraft and can’t get out. Cards are pretty much maxed out and he can’t afford next payment. A tax bill is about to land and a loan which I knew about but he’s taken extra and on a huge APR (I didn’t know about those bit) and said the only way out he can see is to clear the debt and start a fresh.
Theres a lot of equity in the house but it’s all in my name and they won’t release it due to affordability because even though he pays half of everything and it’s affordable they only take my wage into consideration. Advised me to put him on mortgage (which was the plan when fixed rate ended because he put a lot of money after selling his into our garden work last year) so that’s not an option right now given the situation.
Ive asked him to say no to his kids for treats (£140 spent in 3 wk last month on games points they ask weekly which goes directly into credit card) but he hasn’t. I’ve asked him to look at the debt stuff I’ve been Googling to try and make a plan-he hasn’t. He won’t sit down and try to work things out about how we move forward. I’m going to change the car to reduce monthly payments there and pay half of the loan but I’ve asked him to get settlement figure so we can move it to a better APR. He hasn’t. I’ve suggested speaking to card companies about payments or let’s look at moving to 0% interest ones. Nothing done!
Hes very busy at work (got a decent job-we both have and should be able to save money even after maintenance and treats each month but we can’t) and then busy on an evening with kids sports so says he not got time or isn’t in the mood to talk about it.
Yet I feel like all I can do is think about how to try and help and cut back on spends and he’s not soing anything differently other than not online gambling ( he admitted to sending friends money for bets before and the debt isn’t all gambling it’s partly living beyond his means. Spending around £200 a month on alcohol, if I’m working the weekend he will get drunk alone or invite friends round to watch sport and then they gamble too).
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I just feel like I’m making sacrifices and trying to help get him out of this situation and he’s just burying his head in the sand hoping it’ll go away. We’ve got things booked and planned with kids and friends and I’m going to have to find the money to pay for these now. I’ve cancelled a couple of things but it’s camping and my bday plans which are going ahead still. He’s still committing to things next year as well as saying he’ll pay half of an expensive school trip but I’m not sure what with.
Im so frustrated, upset and worried. If I say anything he just says he can’t live his life doing nothing forever but I’m not asking for that. I’m asking for some commitment to getting out of the situation he’s got himself in and some personal sacrifices for a few month.Â
I just feel lost and frustrated. He’s a wonderful guy and we’ve been together 6 and half years and I love him dearly but need him to help himself too.
Hi pollyann,Â
Well done for posting and thank you for sharing your story with us. So it sounds like you're having a tough time at present as it sounds like your partner maybe accepts his gambling has become problematic but isn't quite on the same page as you regarding the best way to move forward from this.Â
Please feel free to contact our 24/7 freephone helpline on 0808 8020 133 if you would like to speak to an adviser and/or access further support with thisÂ
kind regardsÂ
Tom (forum admin)Â
HiÂ
Thank you for your courage in sharing the pains and fears you are going through at this time.
His lies are a betrayal of your trust you have in him.
I walked in to recovery back in 1969, I was so scared and felt so insecure inept inadequate and did not which way to turn.
The gambling was a self destructive habit for me.
It tends to be very much religious orintated and I am a non religious person.
I use to react to the religious mentions in the recovery program.
I did go but time and time again would find I had certain emotional triggers.
I did not love my self.
I did not respect my self.
I did not value my self.
The emotional intimacy my wife wanted and needed from me I could not give her.
In my recovery I reached a point where I both wanted and needed honest therapies.
I found one meeting and I became very dedicated to the meeting and used the telephone list in order to talk to some one like minded like me.
In time I went to more meetings and found that after meetings I would talk with like minded people.
I Handed over all the finacnces to my wife.
I was given a certain amount each day to buy drinks and food treats.
In time I got use to my financial limits and got to trust my self with money.
The funny was that I could talk to meetings about so much emotional issues but could not open up to my wife.
I have been clean now for over 30 years.
The addictions just indicated that I had certain emotional triggers.
My emotional triggers with pains not healed, fears not faced or reduced, due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, my loneliness and my boredom.
The recovery program reaches a point where you start to heal the hurt inner child who got to learn to live in fear to protect him self from being hurt.
I have expereinced emotional abuse, physical abandonment, emotional abandonment, rejection.
In my recovery I have written down every fear I Have had in my life and faced them.
There are Gamanon rooms which will help you face and heal the pains and face your fears.
When he or you have reduced your fears down to alower level you may consider counsellingfor both or one of you.Â
I am sorry for your suffering and the loneiness and isoaltion you are going throigh.
It takes some time for both people to heal from the pains of our past.
I would like to think that hurt inner child in me can come out and play now and again.
I can say honestly that if a person seriously both wants and needs to abstain also heal the pains, and find much healthier path in their life the recovery program works well if you invest some serious time and effort in to it.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
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