F&f reaction to disclosure of gambling

For me it was shock, followed by denial and sticking my head firmly in the sand, followed by fear as the extent of the deceit and debt became more apparent, followed by frustration that he wasn't doing enough. Then as more lies came to light, I went into anger. I don't know what comes next. Devastation and sadness? Or new hope for whatever future I choose for me and the kids? Whether that's staying and supporting recovery or striking out on our own?

I first found out in June. It took until a couple of weeks ago to get access to his bank accounts and credit reports. throughout the last four months he has continued to lie. I am seriously considering whether or not we have a future or not. 13 years of marriage and four kids to consider - It's a big decision to make. We're going to marriage counselling and I need to sort counselling for me to ensure I know I've done everything I can to work things out. Time will tell if I'm flogging a dead horse.

Hi Nikki I started writing last night and then didn't post. I started exactly the same as red rock 'I was in shock'. Incredulous, how the * do you do that? I think you go through phases, despair, anger, fear. You don't realise this is forever and probably going to happen again. Madness is also another description. Am I mad, is he? Even now I can't remember things in the right order, I should write it down. There have been episodes of arguing, ignoring, whatever! I realised anger wasn't helping. They're addicts. They can't stop. Why would you not help someone? Once they've admitted and sought help. We are powerless they will and do, gamble regardless of us. They are compensating for an inability to cope. Learning about addiction will help you, going to gamanon will help. I think we're angry at ourselves for being fooled, for not seeing, for putting up with bad behaviour, for letting them do this to us, for not leaving, for ? It's happened, it's gone, today is all we can deal with. I use the expression 'troubled souls'. Family, my husband and children are far more important than money. I wanted to stay together so I had to find a way to do that. Sometimes that meant I had to do a lot of soul searching. I had to change, stop reacting, stop judging, stop assuming. I did a lot of reading, gamanon literature, codependent, books on anger. Keep talking.

Merry go round how long have you been together and how long since you know about gambling? What ages are your kids? Hope it's ok for me to ask those.

Hi Nikki we've been together 21 years, married 18. Children are 17 & 15. I knew he gambled when i met him. Didn't know he was compulsive. Really had no idea what that would involve.

Can i ask (and feel free to say no if question is too personal) how are the children coping with the whole situation? How do you talk with them about it - they are older so completely aware of the addiction i presume, do they get suport too? How did you manage speak with them about it when they were younger?

Hi Nikki when they were younger they didn't know. As they got older I told them not to give daddy money and if he asked to tell me. That never happened. He changed jobs for health reasons and is around more now. My daughter saw him come out of the bookies. He was just doing the odd £1,£10. I had all the money. When I went to gamanon years ago I learnt that I am powerless, I cannot stop him. My son told him he's an idiot. My daughter was upset, she took it personally. We've told them about addiction, told them we go to meetings. Nothing bad has happened. We talk at dinner about it sometimes, it's out there. It definitely helps they know. It's not a secret anymore. Gambling is everywhere. My son and him watch football it's in every advert. You just move on. He's a difficult person he has bipolar 2 as well. He doesn't drink or smoke. He's not out, he's a family man. It's addiction, it's not a crime. I don't want them to think he's a bad person, he's their dad. You can let it rule you, destroy you. I'm not like that. If he hadn't handed over finances years ago things would be different. If I hadn't gone to gamanon things would be different. I took responsibility. Kids know what you tell them.

Talking is good, your children sound very reasonable, well done! I think they probably cope as well as the non-gambling parent as they cope what they see.

I believe with the correct help that I will never gamble again. I hate gambling, and I have gone there twice after having serious problems in my life. To me it has been an escapism from reality. I have severe thought based OCD and I have just been diagnosed with bipolar 2. This has opened my eyes to many things and I believe with the correct therapy and medication that I can find the trigger that leads me to seek escapism at times. The two situations that drove me to out of control gambling where my son being diagnosed with Autism, and my wife almost dying from a cardiac arrest that I gave her CPR for. There was almost 4 years between each episode of gambling that I never bet once and nor did I think about do so or have any desire. While I will always say I am a gambling addict until the day that I die, I also believe I will find the answer to cope with lifes situations. Some f and f are telling me to stop kicking myself so much, while a few others probably want me to kick myself into the river. People get addicted to all kinds of things, probably to escape life at times. Drugs, alcohol, shopping, even s*x for some. Some will never be free of their addictions sadly, but others will live a better life after them. Anyone can fall, it is getting up and seeing why you fell and doing something about it that truly matters. I cannot speak for familly members who have sadly had to see someone going through gambling addiction. They have every right to react any way that they do, with anger, hate, or wanting to help. Everything is individual, and it is also like that for an addict, nobody is the same and some will be able to help themselves better than others. My friend was addicted to class A drugs in his early 20s. he was in a place so low that he almost died. He now is married with 2 kids and a lovely wife, he runs his own business and volunteers counselling people with drug addictions. He had that strength that sadly some do not have in them. He was as low as anyone could be and a one point he was basically almost dead, but he came back. Addicts need to see the hurt that their actions cause and take responsibilty for it. Sadly, some will never rise and live a better life, but many will. Family members need to do whatever they have to and stop worrying how it will impact on the addict. We all deserve to live a decent life.

I am waffling again.

Stay strong all.

First time round is a bit of a blur. Shell shocked and then panicky about who was going to be turning up on the doorstep is probably close but he was bailed out and as I had control of the finances I thought he'd learned his lesson. I tried to be understanding and tiptoed around the vile tempers and distance that I now know were massive red flags that it was all still going on. I swallowed the lines about why I suddenly couldn't log in to the credit report and how it was going to be sorted imminently.

This time round I didn't mince my words about anything. No filters, no boundaries. Even now I can still make very pointed remarks when I need to scratch that itch although it doesn't happen nearly as often as it did. He knows I don't trust him round money and get easily spooked by anything out of the ordinary. A NOC saying he doesn't want to be offered credit disappeared from one of his credit reports recently. There was an above board explanation for it and it's now being reinstated but it's still very easy to jump to worst case. I don't think that will ever go away and I know he feels guilty but he caused it and he has to live with it.

As far as I'm concerned he's responsible for his recovery. I do the practical stuff that protects my interests and he's grateful any temptation has been removed but I won't pretend to understand why and how he could have done the things he did. Some of it was just too far removed from anything in my experience. He goes to GA for that understanding and I am very thankful it's there relieving me of a further burden.

I think gambling is very bad addiction.

It sure is Moni, yet some can carry on and live without going back to it, sadly others cannot.

Relapse rates are high and I'm not suprised. Gambling is just a symptom, if people don't sort out their lives outside of it and by that fins other ways of dealing with stressful stuff they will continue to relapse, and this is even after they've kicked their denial. Mental health adds to this of course.