He he said he
Hello,
Been with my partner for a year which I realise isn't long. We have no financial commitments together or anything.
My partner has had a gambling problem for the last 2/3 years. It's usually going into bookies on the machines. He once won £14000 on online roulette and his was the start of the problem. He thinks he can win this again.
He went through a stage of being extremely bad with gambling. To the point where he would spend other people's wages online - he used to be self employed. He would go online everyday.
He has banned himself from all online gambling sites and cannot use any of them so now the problem is the bookies. There's been a few times in the last year where he's been in and not told me. I have found evidence like receipts or using friend finder on my phone to find out where he is.
He constantly promises he is going to stop, he is in some debt for his previous gambling which he is slowly paying off but he's fed up of it and never has any money.
So yesterday I find a receipt on the floor which shows he's been into the bookies and spent £100. Might not seem a lot but it is when he's in the amount of debt he has. I rang him up at work in tears at what I had found. He turned nasty really and has been nasty ever since. He tired telling me to just forget it because he can't be doin with the grief I was giving him. He tried to manipulate me by saying he wasn't coming round because he doesn't need me shouting at him. He did come round and started picking little arguments with me. Anything to make this my fault and not his.
He said he doesn't have a problem, he can control it. It was only £100 and not The £1000s he used to spend. He just wanted to win abit of money to help him get out of the financial situation he's in. He wasn't really sorry. I told him I felt let down and like he hadn't of been loyal to me yet again. I know there is more times he's been in and I've just not found the proof of it. If I didn't find the receipt then I would never know. I cannot stand being lied too.
Hi there,
Very briefly (as I should be working). You have done the right thing by coming here as there a lot of people who can offer great advice having been on both sides.
Unfortunately, your partner cannot be helped until he wants help and admits he has a problem (and it doesn't sound like he's ready to either). He clearly has a problem because you said he wanted to "win a bit of money to help with his finiancial situation", everyone here will have picked up on that as compulsive chasing mentality. That and the anger, compulsive gamblers tend to 'fight back' when they get discovered or questioned (it is, as many will tell you, a solitary addiction).
The only bit of advice I can give you (and others will give more, better advice I'm sure) is that you have to look after yourself. You may want to support him but you didn't cause this and you can't start supporting and helping him until he WANTS help (unfortunately, needing help is not enough).
Good luck and keep posting.
Phil
Thanks for your reply Phil.
It's very hard as I am sat listening to him go on and on and on about how it's just one time, he's hasn't got a problem, he can control it and he just wanted to win back some money. That's all it was apparently. He said it until he's blue in the face and I genuinely believe that's what he thinks and it doesn't matter.
Maybe that is what he needs, to make him realise what he is risking. If he seriously wanted to stop gambling there is a freephone number that he can call to exclude from all bookies in your area. To me you sound ready to walk away, for your own sanity; I suspect that the gambling isn't the only issue for you. Do what is right for you, it is your life, and your boyfriend must do what is right for him, but that is not under your control. All the best.
Rhoda's right, for all their failings, bookies (albeit under duress) make access to help very easy with leaflets and notices everywhere. There really is no excuse for not seeking help so, if he hasn't, he's not ready to quit.
I shall reiterate...You are not to blame, you need to look after yourself and, if he won't admit he has a problem and doesn't want to quit then, sadly, he's not ready for help.
Thank you, I totally understand both points. Deep down I know I need to walk away. I really really do, it just scares me, how hard it's going to be.
We aren't really on speaking terms at the moment so who knows whats going to happen next. If I left, he wouldn't be trying to fight for me, he would just sink into deep depression. He's tried to take his own life before so this also scares me. I wish I never had got involved with him 🙁
He is certain he doesn't need the help, if he does do it, he's doing it for me and not him because I've nagged him into it. He can be so lovely at times but everytime gambling crops up, he becomes a horrible nasty selfish person 🙁
I do appreciate everyone's support thank you x
Hi Emma
Life with an active Cg is hell. You can't fix him. Only he can do that and he doesn't want to. Until he does you are in for more of the same all the time you choose to put up with it.
Put yourself first and think about how you want your life to be. All the time he's gambling you're the only one who will.
Hi Emma,
I've read people have already given you some advice. I posted for the first time on here yesterday and it has helped me a lot already.
It's so hard when all you want to do is help and they push you away, but believe me there is nothing you can do until your partner admits he has a problem other wise he won't stop or even start to get help as he doesn't believe he has a problem.
Whether it's 10pound 100pound 1000pound gambling is gambling.
It's all down to what you want from life, personally I have stood by my boyfriend for years trying to battle this and believe me it's hard really hard. It depends what you want from life but you just have to remember if you put things in place that's he's not willing to follow then you have to follow through with your actions here if you need more advice will help where I can.
Ash
Hi Emma, your OH's behaviour mirrors my own husband's and I suppose every other CG. The turning it round on you so they don't have to be the guilty ones.
I was with my husband for nearly 17 years, married for close to 5 and I walked away 2 months ago because no one can live with a CH and maintain their sanity and keep their sanity. Was it difficult? Extremely, but nothing compared to the worry and anxiety of living with a GC. I don't know what the future holds for me I know it's better than the alternative and it doesn't mean I don't love him. It took me a long time to realise it but you really do need to put yourself first and you can't save him, he has to do it himself.
Good luck x
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