Flickering lights

What would be your husbands definition of recovery?
What would be yours?
Do they match?

Sorry to hear this CW. I think you're right that it's the dry drunk talking. Maybe reality is setting in and he's realising this is forever. It's possible that after all this time he's not feeling any happier and he's wondering if it's worth it. If he's not doing the steps or addressing underlying issues he won't be feeling better yet from not gambling...he might even be feeling worse as he's nothing to hide behind. It must be galling for you though. To be putting so much effort it and getting this in return.

I found that as I started to change following therapy other people who hadn't changed/who hadn't experienced it didn't like it. I knew it was down to personal responsibility but they still thought it was everyone else's fault. I knew I had a choice about how I reacted to things, but they felt it was something they couldn't control. My staying steadfast in my understanding made me come across as a bit cold/distant/uncaring. I knew I was right but they thought I'd become a cow. Could that be true here? (not the cow part) Have you had joint counselling? Could you have some? Having someone there to mediate could be really helpful.

It's a long hard road and I guess you're only a short way along it. Dan said something recently to the effect that it was harder for his wife after he'd stopped. You thought this marriage was worth fighting for....hopefully this is just a bump along the road. LB x

Thanks v much for the replies and support. We were doing so much better together and now this.

My basic dilemma remains the same: to cope with a dry or active gambler, you have to detach. But marriage is all about unity. If I unequivocally open my heart and let him in, I risk injury from bumps downturns and full on relapses.

Dan, we have had serious recovery conversations (although not so recently) but there's no prospect of asking him now!!! As far as he's concerned, he's recovering just fine and all our problems lie with the fact that I'm not. And at the moment (not six months ago but certainly now) I would say the reverse. Well, I was recovering just fine...Or I thought I was. I find myself thinking that this isn't part of the plan but who am I to determine what the plan should be?

LB, what you say is true, (and I am quite capable of bovine behaviour on occasions). Last year one of his lines was to the effect that our relationship had deteriorated since I had started GamAnon and he couldn't see why I couldn't see that. We have had monthly joint counselling most of this year, he drags himself to the sessions and he has always fully participated once there but now he thinks that we've just been wasting our time. Or the addiction thinks it. The next session is in a couple of weeks but the original scheme had been for me to see my therapist weekly, for him to see the Therapist who helped us last year every other week and then for all four to be at the joint sessions. Unfortunately the Therapist hasn't been available recently, so it's not working well.

HL, a dry addict is someone who isn't using but behaves as if they are. Unless he changes direction, acknowledges it and wants to deal with it, sooner or later full relapse will follow. So say the books. It's addict behaviour and in one sense I'm not worried about anticipated financial loss, it's the effect of living with the addict behaviour. I've resisted the first temptation to book an immediate appointment with the matrimonial department but I can't take it long term.

So let's hope the hiccups/ bumps are short lived and occasional.

Thanks again.

CW

Firstly I wondered if it was a bad day, I'm prone to those but it doesn't sound like it was a one off 🙁

So my next question is, is he really a dry drunk if he's interacting with the therapy even if it wouldn't be his choice to go there? Maybe this being in the back of your mind manifests itself into not being the credit he thinks he deserves?

I'm not trying to defend what he's levelling @ you because despite my sometimes sensational outbursts it's never because I want hubby to change even if I can find a million reasons why he has put me in my foul mood. I may still be a very long way from finding out why I did it but there are emotions in me that I can't control & when they want out, same as it was easier to blame someone else when I gambled, it's always more comfortable if I have a scapegoat.

We had another Betari box discussion last night after he managed to diffuse an argument by recognising there'd been a miscommunication somewhere. It's not good that you have been made to feel like this but something made you both fight for this in your own very different ways, maybe a scheduled sit down between you without a therapist is worth a shot?

Hi cw..can I ask what has lead him to call you a liar. ..control freak...and someone incapable of communicating with him...?
Maybe it's nothing to do with his addiction....
Maybe it's just how he feels within the relationship...
Does he say he still loves you..?
Do you still love him ?
Do you both want to move on in your relationship ?
I'm just trying to think things through. ....id never call my husband a liar. ...or a control
freak....we set down the new rules of our relationship regarding my addiction together....and I can't imagine any scenario when id call him those things ....
I hope you manage to sort it..good luck

Hi CW,

It sounds like "gambling frustration" to me. The fact that he cant ever gamble again. The fact we cant be like normal people who put a pound on a horse once a year and walk away. The fact that something so huge in his life he cant do anymore.

There is also "guilt" in what he has done to you and the kids etc. Sometimes we lash out at thise persons closest to us. Why - because we can.

My stepkids are experts in winding mum up who shouts at them so its her fault as they only wanted to talk to her. The fault never rests with them.

We want things to go back to normal asap and have little patience. What is normal?

My wife pointed me in the direction of aomething called "irritable male syndrome". (dont laugh) Some points in there I could relate to. Have a search on Dr Google.

Best wishes

Hi, again,

Thanks for replies and support. Still think it's dry drunk but will google IMS.

Loxxie, my therapist has gently pointed out over time and he has pointed out gently and less gently that I don't communicate well, I tend to shut up in real life rather than say outright what I think or what won't go down well. Or I expect everyone else to know what I'm thinking, often find this with Clients. And I don't do continual "I love you's" although I do have a dim and distant memory of us saying it regularly at the outset. I'm working on it...also working on being more affectionate with the children. But on the one hand he's telling me that I don't communicate, I don't call him, all I talk about is work and I should be talking about important things (not sure what these are) ...but whatever I've said this week, he's monosyllabic, cold and disengaged. There is no pleasing him and actually it's just manipulation again.

The recent issues that gave rise to all this was when I wanted to make perfectly iced cup cakes for my youngest's party (the kids just laughed with and at me getting stressed - I'm not artistic). Then my son was going out, he told my husband that he needed funding and my husband said he'd give him. I overheard half the conversation and offered to pay up without thinking anything untoward but my husband took grave offence. Possibly thoughtless on my part, but my denials of control type motives or the intention to rub it in led to his calling me a liar. And I tend to hide what I'm doing on my phone because I'm not rushing to show him my posts. I don't like the extent to which he plays on the computer by himself upstairs in our room...but apparently this is because I don't want him to relax.

This is so reminiscent of What Went Before. He gambled because I was extravagant, I was thinking that everything's my business when I used to ask him about his finances...

Usually it does take two to argue but he'd argue with his shadow at the moment. He is stressed at work, with good reason but he doesn't want to talk about it, he'd rather leave it at work. All of which is why sitting down and calm communication won't work - much of the last lot was said by phone when I called him at lunchtime to try to talk things through. Time to back off.

Thanks again.

I can see how the " cake inncident " errupted...that's normal family life in my house !
Me and hubby spit and spat plenty...especially when trying to achieve a household task together lol...im trying to put myself in tour hubbies shoes. .
Maybe he's feeling less of a man...'re the pocket money situation...
Get away for a weekend together..no mention of addiction...kids...work...
Be a couple....show him you love him...may help...may not...least you've tried..

Loxxie, I've been trying (and probably have been very trying) for years!!!

We managed it for several months, we were close but suddenly it's solely and unmitigatedly my fault that it's all gone wrong. Actually, he hasn't faced his demons and long term he'll have to dig where he doesn't want to go if the changes are to be sustainable. Only he can decide to do it, so much easier to project the blame on to me...avoids digging.

I get that the pocket money's galling, there was no intention to rub it in but it got rubbed in, will be more careful. But it is a consequence of the gambling and he has to accept that.

Thanks.

CW

Have you any idea what his demons may be ?. ..
My addiction to the slots happened after a good win fairly early on....
We'd been bumbling along for years before that...at that stage I really thought I wanted out of the marraige. ...the next big win would have given me that get out of jail card...it didn't come...
Hubby diagnosed with cancer in the mean time...
I kept playing to try and get straight....didn't happen...
He found out...we agreed a plan to move forward ..with my addiction....and our marriage...
It's not all roses....but it's a hell of a lot better for both of us now ....
I suppose what I'm trying to say is...I've made the decision that I want my marriage to work....and will do all I can to acheive that...my hubby does to...and we rarely talk about my addiction....everything's transparent...so no need for lengthy heart to heart's...he'llsay to me every few weeks..." you still doing ok love " lol...
Maybe your hubby feels he doesn't want the marraige to work....for whatever reason ...I don't know cw. ...and I'm c**P at writing what I mean...
Wish you well

Sorry to hear it, Loxxie, marriage ain't no bed of roses, is it?

We agreed after he was exposed to try to rebuild and at the first joint session, he said that he'd be "gutted" if our marriage ended. Now he's not sure. Or the addiction isn't.

I would still try but I can't cope with sudden bouts of rejection.

When he threatened divorce last year, I had the district sense that it was to keep me in place, he'd given no thought to the cold hard practicalities. Don't know what he wants at the moment but it's not that someone else who could give him what I can't, he seemed genuinely surprised when I suggested it.

Thanks again,

CW

Hi CW , Can I just ask , Have you ever praised him for anything to do with his recovery ? .

I'm not saying you should after everything youv'e been through over the last few years but maybe he feels that all the effort he's been putting in is going unnoticed , It was just a thought as us blokes tend to like a little praise from time to time however small , I also notice that not much praise is lavished on many here in recovery by either yourself or HL , again I understand why you wouldn't but that then tranfering itself to home life maybe an issue , even the name "Cynical Wife " gives the impression that your'e not very trusting of anyone and never will be but If your OH has given you no real cause for concern and I'm not saying you should give him full access to funds again but maybe just to give him a little slack may help ? .

Please don't thinkI'm having a dig at you as that's not my intention but I know how I would feel if my partner was watching my every move and I'd complied with all of her wishes regarding feeling safe , if at least a little trust wasn't being restored at some point , or am I barking up the wrong tree completely ? .

Nobody like rejection in anyway do they...so I can understand what your saying...
Just be carefull you don't put up to hard a shell to protect yourself... ( understandable)..
That your hubby feels he can't approach you...I can remember in the very early days that I felt ....does he want to talk to me...sit with me...etc and I think if id suspected a whiff of " distance" from hubby....I don't think I would have worked so hard on my recovery...who knows. ..complicated stuff....emotions...any way...just thought id offer thoughts from another addict...good luck

What everyone is trying to skirt around is the fact that it might be you. I can only go by your behaviour on here, but you relate absolutely everything to gambling, addiction and GA. Even poor Bal the other day, he is not being appreciated at work and his team mates are a bunch of lazy so and so's. Your response? Go to GA, it will help you with the resentment - putting the blame on Bal. No relevence whatsoever, no willingness to believe that gambling and addiction isn't the person, it is a part of the person and in Bals case, a very small part now and getting dimmer by the day. Perhaps you're like that with your husband, perhaps you don't even realise it. There seems to be no inclination on your part to believe it could be anything but the addiction. CW, I've no doubt at all that you were hurt more than ever before when you found out the extent of his problem, and although you won't want it, you have my pity, really. I hope you manage to work through your marital problems, and hope that you do that with an open mind. Not everything starts and ends with GA. Your husband was a man, a loved man, before the gambling, he is still a man now but may not feel like one, just an ex-gambler whose wife thinks he could relapse at any minute. I'm truly sorry if I have upset you with this message CW, that is not my intention.