Hi there
I am a new member but sadly not new in my experiences with gambling and compulsive gamblers.
I always knew my boyfriend of 6 years liked to have the odd bet and play a bit of poker here and there but I could never have contemplated what has actually happened.
Following our engagement 6 months ago, i have recently found out that he has gambled all his savings of £100,000 which he got from the sale of his old house.
This money was supposed to pay for a deposit on a home for us and for a wedding etc. I am utterly devasted and feel sick to my stomach.
Having a gambler as a father I knew too well the devastation this can cause and would never have thought I'd end up in a relationship with a gambler.
The worst thing is the lies and emotional unavailability. I have no trust left and find myself searching his pockets and wallet after a night out, something I would never normally do.
He tells me he doesn't have a problem and won't see anyone, however i struggle to understand the denial.
I am on the brink of leaving now and can't believe that our future has been destroyed. I don't know what to do and feel very alone. I'm worried if I leave he'll never get the help he needs
Thanks
L
Hi L you must feel complete shock. If he doesn't see this as a problem then what will change? You can't put your life on hold to wait for him to realise that gambling is taking over. It's not up to you to help him. It's up to him. The only person you can look after, help, save, change is you. So here you are asking for help. The first thing to do is secure all your finances, no joint account, no bailout. This is forever, they never stop being compulsive gamblers, they only arrest the addiction. You are in a fortunate position as you now know before you choose to make a huge commitment. I would call gamcare. I would find a gamanon meeting. Get all the help and support you need. This is a tough road, my cg has gambled for 30 years. It changes them, makes liars of them. Don't ignore it.
Thank you so much for the advice.
I will definitely look at attending a meeting.
I spoke with him and asked him to admit his problem and to seek help or I couldn't stick around.
He once again denied it and then went out. He can't communicate at all and literally has to go out and text me telling me not to leave I get nothing face to face despite telling him I will leave.
A few days later he admitted he might have a problem but would look into help but needed time and couldn't promise anything.
Makes me wonder if this is worth the stress I will continue to suffer in the future.
Thanks
L
Hi loo he's in denial and struggling to admit that money is gone forever. Try not to make ultimatums and the not follow through. It doesn't work. Hopefully he will come to some realisation. If not he's probably gambling loans etc. Look after you. The choice is his to gamble.
You're not responsible for whether he chooses to get help. That's entirely down to him. It doesn't appear he wants to. It doesn't take any amount of time at all to virtually eliminate his access to gambling if that's what he wants but he doesn't or he'd be doing it.
You can't do anything to help him unless and until he wants it and even then it's hard going for all concerned.
What do you want? How do you want to live?
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