He has so much anger..

Hi Bettyboo, welcome to the Forum,

A lot of people think that handing over control of your finances, self-excluding from Bookmakers or installing blocking software is a cure, but they are only preventative methods, which is a good step in the vulnerable, early days but you still need to work on you as a person, and what you need to do to come through this long-term.

This is why he is taking things out on you - he is finding it hard and a lot of that is because he is not doing enough to maintain classes and do what he needs to do to make progress. I gambled for twenty years before stopping over five years ago; I know exactly what he is experiencing; he is struggling and making you the outlet for his frustrations, which isn't right or fair and you are right to say that you shouldn't be judged for helping him.

He has managed a year, which is a strong achievement; the problem was that he didn't comr to you straight away when he did slip - instead, he let the debt and lies snowball to the point where it did considerable damage.

As you say, he is pushing you further away and that is understandable in the circumstances. What you need to do is try to work with him if at all possible; say you don't want to be his jailer, you want to work with him as a team and tackle this together; ask him to phone you each and every time he is tempted to gamble.

If he won't, then ask him what the endgame is. Does he feel he can stop? Does he see you having a life together which is blighted by gambling? He chose to be in a relationship, he chose to have these responsibilities; all your cards are on the table, you know his history, you know how he acts and reacts to things - there are no secrets anymore and there is no reason for him to lie; if he does, then that is unacceptable after everything you have been through.

It is far from easy and my heart goes out to you; you are understandably confused, hurt and frustrated, but you have to somehow approach him as you would a friend; don't be angry, don't be judgemental - if he feels he can't talk to you, then ask him to write a letter.

I hope you can make some progress my friend. What I would say is that you need to get things straightened out before you make a committment to spend the rest of your life together; the bottom line is that he needs to do more, for you, if not himself.

JamesP

Hi JamesP

Thank you for your response. Firstly congratulations on making 5 years without gambling and secondly thank you for your advice,it s certainly a help in a situation i do struggle to understand.

I think we have a long road ahead of us but I do hope that we will get there in the end.

I am trying to remain strong and not be angry or frustrated, its just you can imagine hard when it seems like he doesn't understand what im trying to do or gets angry with me for trying to help with finances.

I know he has been on here with the online support daily and i do hope its helping, I guess as a loved one its hard when he wont open up to me and cant explain how he is feeling.

He has a lot of built up anger inside and I think he needs to channel it somewhere but in what and how is yet a question to be answered.

As someone who has gambled does it ever go away? is it something that is always there and will always come back with stress, worries or whatever reason? Or is it just a case of learning to deal with it and suppress the urges?? I want to learn more and help but i don't feel at the moment he is willing or able to let me in.

I think a letter is a good idea and is something i will put to him and it will allow him to speak without the emotional response or me butting in.

Thank you again for your response, I live in hope that things will work out as I do believe he can change.

Hi Bettyboo, you're very welcome,

The urges lessen enormously in time and become virtually non-existent; you never think it will at the start, but it does, and then you become very emotionally distant from it all.

There is no set time limit; it differs for everyone but you will likely see a marked difference if he manages a few gamble-free months.

I understand about the need to channel things; I was the same when I stopped, I still needed that outlet, so I started writing, doing charity work, did exercise, went hiking, took singing lessons and much more - these things give me happiness and fulfilment that gambling never could. Compulsive gamblers are generally emotionally vulnerable people and are often sensitive souls - if he could channel how he feels in the right way, then he may have the answers as you say.

I learned that urges are only ever temporary, they soon pass, and that however bad life can get, tomorrow is almost always a better day. Gambling is a temporary solution to numbling out life's trials and tribulations - even if you win, the sensation is fleeting and if you are going through a tough time, the same problems are still there when the lights grow dull.

If you maintain a sincere and open level of honesty between you, and he maintains a sincere level of commitment to coming through this and continuing to gain the help he needs, then you have every chance; many have done it, many have come through this but it takes time, but time is the only thing that will help both of you.

JamesP

Hi Betty Boo....I'm 8 months post finding out my husband had lost everything he had (while i had no knowledge he was gambling). I have completed a course of counselling through gamcare which was great, but I have never taken control of the finances as I know it would cause us to fall out. apparently ultimatums are not recommended, but then I don't think gambling is a great game plan either.

My future is still uncertain, but the way I see it is, if he wants to carry on, especailly with a small daughter (he came clean when she was 8 months old having lied throughout our marriage, etc) that's his loss and if he wants to gamble again ditto. he knows what he risks by doing it again and perhaps I am a fool but he has more to lost this time round than me. I have told him he will be visiting a contact centre if it happens again. I have no sympathy as I think gamblers are thoroughly selfish doing what they do. If I were you at this stage with no babies I'd cut my losses. After all he has more to lose than you. I was completely in the dark myself to his gambling but now we have a permanent tie I am trying to work this through. I think if' i had been given more choice I'd have walked away. why should you put up with his weakness. It's his issues that have led to him being where he is. Not yours. I believe that if someone wants something enough they will change and if not then it's their loss. Good luck.