He won't stop

Hi Keren,

You've come to the right place for advice (Admin, you may want to move this to the f&f section).

Speaking from personal experience, giving up gambling is incredibly difficult but, as you will see from this forum, it can be done. You husband needs to stop gambling but he will only ever succeed if he WANTS to give up. I won't bombard you with advice as there is a lot of people on here who are better placed to offer it. There is help out there but HE needs to make the decision to quit, it sounds like he has a lot to lose so I hope he can/will do it.

All the best and keep posting on here, you will find everyone is very supportive and there is a lot of good advice out there.

It may be helpful for us to know the nature of his gambling (is it horses, sports, FOBTs

Welcome to the forum

Hi Keren.

You are in the right place and you will get plenty of help here

Yes you should look after yourself and your finances. You should start mentioning to your husband that its not acceptable and you will not tolerate it any longer. Dont shy away from it but obviously I understand that you dont particularly want confrontation and active gamblers can get angry and upset when challenged too much. He needs to be ready to stop and you have some tough love decisions to make.

Im afraid that your husband has a gambling addiction and he need to learn what it is important in his life. A gambling addiction is very powerful and you will learn a great deal about it

Do you have your family that you can talk to? You need advice and calling gamcare is very helpful so please ring them as many times as you like.

You may need counselling over this. Its not acceptable to tolerate the behaviour of a gambling addict. You didnt cause it, you dont gamble and you cant cure him. You can offer help but only when he is ready to accept a problem, go to meetings and hand over all control of finances. You cant help a gambler that doesnt want to give it up

He needs to be ready to go into recovery but only he can make the decision to stop. For now you need to protect the quality of life for you and your children.

Im saying get more advice keep talking about it and use this forum. Members like CW have lived through this so you will be getting loads of great help and advice

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Keren Goole wrote:

My husband says he'll never stop gambling. He hasn't got it in him. I've being putting up with his behaviour for the past two decades. Don't think I can take much more. Shall I just ask him to leave so he can't drag me and the children down with him? He spent 500 pound in 12 days so there's no money in the bank til he gets paid again in 19days. He expected me to use the children's birthday money to buy food. I hate how selfish he has become.

Maybe he hasn't got it in him on his own. gambling can be incredibly addictive but there is help along the way. has he considered counselling that's been mentioned or help like GA? You could start by contacting Gamcare by phone.

Hi Keren

There are things he could do today which would virtually eliminate his access to gambling. Claiming he hasn't got it in him to give up is a cop out. He just doesn't want to.

Time to put yourself and the children first financially and emotionally. All the time he won't give up you and they will come a very poor second to gambling. No-one can decide for you whether that means asking him to leave but if you do need to issue an ultimatum just make sure you're prepared to follow it through.

Thank you all for your kind words of support. I am trying to find the inner strength to have it out with him but he becomes very angry when I've tried to tackle the subject in the past. This is why he's got away with it for so long. He knows I hate confrontation.

Hi

Understood but build some support and deal with it when you are ready.

You can be a shrinking violet and watch your childrens piggy banks emptied or you can get some pride and self respect back and deal with it. Can you speak to your family for some support? Im not saying deal with it alone if you feel vunerable.

This is why you must talk on the families section and there is help out there like the citizens advice bureau and other organisations for therapy and counselling. The doctor can be a great help for a chat about the stress caused

Ive been a gambler and I certainly wouldnt live with one. I am now proud to report my finances to my family and be seeking help in recovery.

It boils down to this. Either you and your child are important to him or the gambling is. Gambling is often a sign that he is stressed or depressed with life. He has a clear choice and so have you. The addiction has made him ill but he still has choices to make or he will lose you

He may gamble himself to oblivion but he must not take you down with him. Im sorry but its a clear choice that you must face up to.

Im not trying to be over dramatic and nobody wanted this for you. This unfortunately is the reality of problem gambling.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Hi, Keren,

JoyDivider has said it like it is. I was the shrinking violet first time round and my children's savings were duly taken, gambled and decimated. With the twenty twenty vision of hindsight, not a course of action to be recommended. My husband got angry and I backed off to keep the .... well, it wasn't peace, it was me walking on eggshells, tolerating the intolerable emotional remoteness, not a state of affairs worth preserving.

You need accurate information about addiction and targeted support to be able to cope with your situation. Call the Helpline and go to GamAnon meetings, tell someone in real life you can trust. Then when you are ready, you can make the best decisions for you.

Keep the focus on you and the kids, on how you want to live your life and on what you expect from an equal lifetime partner.

CW

It's amazing how many people these effects. I have lived with a gambler along time and the emotional state I'm in now is unbearable. We are in the process of splitting up i don't want it but has left me no other choice. I blame myself thinking have I been such a bad partner for him to be like this. Also his lies and the mental bullying has took its toll on me. I feel so lonely and ashamed I don't socialise due to lack of money but he never goes with out. I carnt understand the selfishness of it all. He doesn't tell anyone not even me I find out myself then he lies again when I've confronted him. I've tried calm talking ranting raving the lies and the decit gets worse and I've ended up jealous of people and family because I carnt have holidays etc and my kids do without, knowing we could have if it wasn't for him.

Proud as the recovering gambler in my household please believe me when I say DO not blame yourself. He made/makes the choice/choices. I know as other people have said it is incredibly addictive but there's no way you are at fault. Many addicts of all descriptions are notorious liars and masters of manipulation to get what they want. Put yourself and the children first - only he can stop or try to stop if he really want to do so. Best wishes, Phil.

It's just so hard I have been drinking lots I have told him I'm think I'm drinking for the wrong reasons to cope and bloke everything out at the time. I don't drink every night but about 3 times a week. So now I'm to blame for his gambling. Thanks for your advice it's just awful making that choice to go separate ways when there's no remorse back from him only to put the blame on me. I do everything for my kids and he is such a good person apart from this. It's the lies and very believing when confronted gets to me. I hope your recovery is going well take care.

It's just so hard I have been drinking lots I have told him I'm think I'm drinking for the wrong reasons to cope and bloke everything out at the time. I don't drink every night but about 3 times a week. So now I'm to blame for his gambling. Thanks for your advice it's just awful making that choice to go separate ways when there's no remorse back from him only to put the blame on me. I do everything for my kids and he is such a good person apart from this. It's the lies and very believing when confronted gets to me. I hope your recovery is going well take care.

i thinks quit gambling is a very difficult problem to face, because gambling already become a everyday activity when you addicted to it, you will feel very desperately when you re not gambling, and you will always think want to be rich from gambling, and want to change your current life condition, for quit gambling we have to change our mindset first,. we have to think gambling only lose our money..just use this mindset, i believe it can quit gambling.