Good evening.Â
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I'm here to probably just vent, as I'm married to a woman who will quite happily throw every penny we have to spare at online bingo. All our finances are joint, other than a private savings account that I can put our money into. But even then, she will nag and shout until I give her some gambling money. She'll stay awake half the night on paydays so she can start playing straight away when money comes in. But I can't talk to her about it, because she just gets angry and starts spewing bile at me and changing the subject.Â
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But what winds me up nearly as much as the actual gambling is the rationalising. She maintains that since she doesn't go out drinking and such (nor do I, FYI), it's acceptable for her to instead spend several hundreds per month on online bingo. Or because she's happy to wear cheap clothing from Temu, but I'll spend upwards of £15 on a pair of trousers a few times per year, it's reasonable for her to spend the difference on bingo.Â
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I'm having to borrow money from my parents with alarming frequency, to put food on the table or for necessities for the kids, but it not only doesn't faze her but she actually expects me to give her gambling money out of the borrowed money. And on top of all this, she's booked an expensive holiday abroad for next summer, that needs paying off monthly. It's delusional.Â
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She's mentally ill, which seems to manifest in selfishness, and anger when she doesn't get her way. We're both pushing 40, but when she's angry she instantly reverts to something resembling a stroppy teenager and any attempt at reasonable discussion is just futile. I'm at the end of my rope, I don't know how much longer I can live like this. I have no support network, all my friends and family are in another country. Her friends don't know the extent of this problem, and wouldn't get involved anyway.Â
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Any advice would be appreciated, but I think I've tried everything.Â
Hello mate and well done for speaking up. It pays to vent now and again. im so sorry to hear of your situation. This is totally not your doing.Â
Unfortunately it sounds like your wife is hooked in a cycle of gambling and non acceptance. A gambling brain will say they are in control and make all kinds of excuses as to why it’s ok. Acceptance of an addiction can only come from the person themselves which leaves you in a tough spot. If it were me I would calculate all the outgoings you have, all the money you put into that, all the loans you have taken to support the family and if you have access to her bank accounts, all the money she has lost. Stark reality can sometimes be the kick in the b**t we need. Maybe get her to read some stories on here. This can only lead to 2 paths. The addiction will grow stronger and things will get worse, or acceptance of the issue and the beginning of recovery. It can be beaten. Your wife will need to support to fill the time when she used to gamble. That’s a hard part. Gambling is a safe space for those doing it. A time out from the world. It’s a very hard thing to leave. Ultimately though it needs acceptance from your wife that she is not in control. The money she is not spending on her kids should be a big wake up call, but that’s only if her rational brain can see this. If you were not there, they would go without. That’s not right. Show her this.
Look after yourself. You’re in a horrible situation that you’ve not caused and it can be tough when the other side blames you. That’s the horrid part of the addiction. It turns us into liars. Not just to everyone else, but to ourselves and until that is realised, the issue will remain.
All the best. Stay strong 💪Â
Hi
It was a life saver for me to get to GA meetings as soon as possible.
It can be done live or on web sites using zoom.
It is important for partners to help them get to their first meeting.
I know now that I could not abstain from gambling on my own.
Being in action is very self destructive and very painful.
In reacting in such unhealthy ways I was causing my self and others much pain and suffering.
The sooner people attend meetings the more likely you are of finding a much healthier life.
Dave L
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