Hello Everyone,
I'm new to this site but could really do with some help and advice.
I've been with my partner for nearly 5 years now and we have a 3 year old daughter. When we first met I knew he liked to have a bet on a Saturday and Sunday and never really thought much about it. I moved in with him quite quickly and that was the point I knew his betting was more than just a weekend. He would bet every single day - mostly on horses but likes football bets too. I then found out I was pregnant with our daughter and didn't want to be around someone who had such a gambling problem (especially since he was having trouble with money too). I left him and went back to live with my parents for a while. We kept in contact while I was pregnant and towards the end of my pregnancy got back together. He had just been evicted from his flat so he came to live with me, as my parents moved down south to be closer to my sister who had been in a serious car accident.
Everything was fine at the beginning - he would go to work, come home and help look after our daughter. This went on for a few months but while cleaning one day I knocked off his wallet and some betting slips fell out - I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach - he had lied to me and was still gambling. I did a stupid thing and kept it to myself carrying on with life hoping he would see the light and stop.
When our daughter turned 1 - my parents moved back - this did not set right with my partner and we had a row about how he felt uncomfortable living with my parents - I mentioned about his little secret and he said he likes doing it and no one is going to tell him to stop. I told him I couldn't live like this and he should think about his daughter. He eventually agreed that when we moved to our new home he would stop - I made him promise and that was that.
We moved into our new home and once again things were great for a while - but one day I had a feeling to take a peek in his wallet (I know it is wrong but couldn't help it) I was right he had betting slips in his wallet again. We had a massive row and I told him to get out. He went to stay at a relatives house for a week - during that time I went to see a counsellor - she advised me to think hard about the situation and the fact I don't trust him, maybe we should call it a day on the relationship. He came back and we had a long chat and for the sake of our daughter I decided to stay with him.
In December 2013 we moved away from the city into a nice small village - I thought this is probably what he needs to help get him off his gambling. In January 2014 He gave up his job so with no income coming in we were struggling to survive and guess what?? he was still doing bets. One day we went to visit his ex-wife and their two older children, we got onto the subject of his gambling and she told me that this was the reason she left him. We made him promise that he could bet on a Saturday and that is it. She told him to think about the fact every time he spends money on a bet he is taking food away from our daughters table. He promised and no more was said.
Back In March I had that feeling again and once more took a peek in his wallet - guess what? he is still betting on a weekday. I really do not know what to do. He just keeps lying to me and the fact he does not want any help in his addiction makes it a lot harder. After everything I do still love him, but don't know what I should do.
I hope someone can help me.
Hi Dolly77
Thanks very much for contacting GamCare. You've done the right thing by getting in touch.
It must be difficult, still loving your partner but not being able to trust him.
You said that your partner was out of work and still gambling in January, and that his ex-wife told him gambling was taking food from your daughter's table. But I don't know if either of you are working now, or if you're having financial problems. If you are, I urge you to seek help for those by contacting for example National Debtline on 0808 808 4000 (free, including from most mobiles), or your local Citizens Advice Bureau.
There are options for your partner. He can get support if he wants to stop, but he has to want to accept help, and you say he does not want any help.
You can't change someone else's behaviour, but you can change how you respond to it. You have left him before but it sounds as though you might be reluctant to do so again. If your partner carries on and does not seek help for his gambling, what boundaries can you put in place to protect your daughter and yourself from any financial and emotional effects? Could you take over the family finances for example?
This forum has many members - some are gamblers and their friends and families. Hopefully you'll be able to hear and benefit from their different perspectives. Do have a look around and read other people's stories too. We're also here for you on the Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or the Netline, both 8am to midnight every day.
We wish you and your partner well and I hope we'll hear from you again.
Take care,
GamCare Forum Admin.
Hi dolly 77
I am a CG and on day 37 of not having a bet! Your partner really has to want to stop if he is to beat this illness which is what it is. I find that the GA meetings are really helpful and my wife comes with me too. A while ago I tried to stop but was not fully comited, now I am. Good luck for the future.
Jaym
Hi dolly, im sorry to hear about your situation its a terrible position to be in. i am a CG but have been on both sides as my mum was a CG and i grew up living with that.
As a CG i can guarantee that having 1 bet will not enable you to stop being able to bet on a Saturday wont help your partner, myself and many others say i can not win because i can not stop. your partner has to be fully committed to wanting to stop t-total. this for most is the only way to free yourself from this. If he isnt ready he wont stop no matter what support or ultimatums you present him with, many people have lost everything and still gamble others thankfully hit rock bottom and then start over. I wish you all the luck in the world but in my opinion it sounds like your partner does not want to stop, isn't ready to say goodbye to that lifestyle and that can bring many dangers for you, your child and himself.
jess
Hi Dolly,
I am so sorry to have to hear this story. I live with a CG and he has betrayed my trust over and over. For me the most important thing is to protect our family finances and safeguard our security.
My honest advice is to tell your partner what you have discovered, and to get his explanation for it. he more than likely will lie and tell you it's a one off etc etc.Ask him to show you his bank statements and to explain anything that is not clear.
Try to stay calm, try not to judge, give him the chance to come clean. If he does not want to come clean, then you have two choices, firstly tell him how his gambling makes you feel as a wife and mother, let him see how vulnerable it is making you. Tell him how it effects his child, and his children from his past relationship. Ask him to give you full control of the family finances. take his cards and access to cash away and take charge. If you love him, tell him you do and you want to help him, but make it clear you do not trust him , and that gambling has no place in your life.
Your second choice, if he is unwilling to accept help, is to leave. I know this seems extreme, but why should you risk your helath and security for someone else's habit. If he is not ready for help, you cannot help him, no matter how much you love him.
It is my honest opinion that a man who is ready for help will accept it and will move forward with you, if he is not then he won't no matter what you do.
I wish you lots of luck x
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